The guilt...it is haunting in a way..always hanging right there over you. The guilt didn't set in completely until the fog was lifted and then it hit with a ton of bricks. H and I are rebuilding and things are going well. I have to sometimes push those thoughts out because H has said he forgives me..he can tell I am working on the issues with myself, working on the issues in our marriage both individually and together. He knows I am doing what I need to do to repair our marriage as well as myself. I do not know how I would handle the guilt if he and i were apart. That is a different scenario.
Maybe it could be all the lies are within you and you need to set them free..whether by telling your H or writing it all down and burning them to say good bye. I don't really know. All work to repair yourself as an individual helps with the guilt. To figure out why you went into the A in the first place. That is where the work begins and continues and grows from there.
You can fix stuff now. You can't undo the past. So sorry to hear how your xAP treated you. Those words are entrancing when you desperately want to hear them. They become so believable and true and then proven wrong. It does hurt and dishearten.
Do you still talk with H at all? I guess I mean...is there a chance or do you want there to be a chance?
I actually went back to the H to repair things, I left that part out. The H doesn't know about the A, I'm sure he has a good hunch since I was acting so oddly for that time period. In a way I feel as though I deserve the guilt since I acted so foolish. I'm hoping with time, I will start to feel better and heal.
Just wanted to know that I'm not alone in doing foolish things when we were in the A.
We all did foolish things while in the A. We waited too long for that last phone call that may not have come. We waited for a response to an email or text and when it didn't come, we let it ruin our whole day/night. We bent over backwards to grant requests putting our own sanity in jeopardy. I chuckle at myself sometimes now when I remember because wow I was pathetic! I was like a groveling puppy begging for one more treat. HOW RETARDED!!! Try not to beat yourself up when you remember those. It can be difficult.
My honest response to my H is I don't know where my head was but it wasn't here. I can think back and go wow...you were stupid. At the time though it made complete sense. I was getting what I needed and wanted so therefore it made sense. I feel bad if I can't answer a question he has but honestly I don't remember some of it and it kills me to tell him that. Guess that shows how important it wasn't since I can recount every detail of me and H back to friendship, dating, engagement, marriage days. I know all of it. That says a lot to me.
I pray for the best in your rebuilding. It can be an amazing hard journey but worth every tear, laugh, yell, rant, etc. It is worth it. We are still working very hard but communication is getting way better. That is one big key to me!
The guilt...it is haunting in a way..always hanging right there over you. The guilt didn't set in completely until the fog was lifted and then it hit with a ton of bricks. H and I are rebuilding and things are going well. I have to sometimes push those thoughts out because H has said he forgives me..he can tell I am working on the issues with myself, working on the issues in our marriage both individually and together. He knows I am doing what I need to do to repair our marriage as well as myself. I do not know how I would handle the guilt if he and i were apart. That is a different scenario.
Maybe it could be all the lies are within you and you need to set them free..whether by telling your H or writing it all down and burning them to say good bye. I don't really know. All work to repair yourself as an individual helps with the guilt. To figure out why you went into the A in the first place. That is where the work begins and continues and grows from there.
You can fix stuff now. You can't undo the past. So sorry to hear how your xAP treated you. Those words are entrancing when you desperately want to hear them. They become so believable and true and then proven wrong. It does hurt and dishearten.
Do you still talk with H at all? I guess I mean...is there a chance or do you want there to be a chance?
Take care
Hope
Thank you for the reply hope,
I actually went back to the H to repair things, I left that part out. The H doesn't know about the A, I'm sure he has a good hunch since I was acting so oddly for that time period. In a way I feel as though I deserve the guilt since I acted so foolish. I'm hoping with time, I will start to feel better and heal.
Just wanted to know that I'm not alone in doing foolish things when we were in the A.
Thank you again hope
We all did foolish things while in the A. We waited too long for that last phone call that may not have come. We waited for a response to an email or text and when it didn't come, we let it ruin our whole day/night. We bent over backwards to grant requests putting our own sanity in jeopardy. I chuckle at myself sometimes now when I remember because wow I was pathetic! I was like a groveling puppy begging for one more treat. HOW RETARDED!!! Try not to beat yourself up when you remember those. It can be difficult.
My honest response to my H is I don't know where my head was but it wasn't here. I can think back and go wow...you were stupid. At the time though it made complete sense. I was getting what I needed and wanted so therefore it made sense. I feel bad if I can't answer a question he has but honestly I don't remember some of it and it kills me to tell him that. Guess that shows how important it wasn't since I can recount every detail of me and H back to friendship, dating, engagement, marriage days. I know all of it. That says a lot to me.
I pray for the best in your rebuilding. It can be an amazing hard journey but worth every tear, laugh, yell, rant, etc. It is worth it. We are still working very hard but communication is getting way better. That is one big key to me!
Take care
Hope