Getting past this stage??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Getting past this stage??
6
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 9:04am
Everyone here seems so strong. I can't get past crying right now. I can't think of total NC. I can't think of moving past. I can't think of working on my M. All I can do is be sad. I also know MM will contact me at some point soon. When we last spoke (and in my mind ended things for the 2nd time) I was really upset. MM has never seen that side of me before. I am sure he thinks I have lost it. he will contact me to check on me. I am hoping he'll say he doesn't think we should talk. If not I have to tell him we need NC. I hate this "cry any moment" feeling.

Thanks for letting me vent!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 9:16am

Hugs, Bria.


That is, in my opinion, the worst stage. Unfortunately you just need to feel it through and move on when you are ready. You are going through a loss and withdrawal right now. We've all been there or are going through it. You will go through the stages of grieving just like any other loss. Each step will bring you closer to being healed, and speaking from experience I can promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just last week I was in your boat...I couldn't stop crying, couldn't tell H, really didn't want to talk to anyone. This board and the wonderful women here brought me out of that. Keep venting to us. Read all the posts you can so you know you aren't alone in what you are feeling and that there's hope.


Give yourself small goals at first...like for an hour, I won't check my email, IM, etc. Or even try to make yourself get dressed in something that makes you feel good and go out for a little bit. Get some fresh air. Take a walk alone. (I did that quiet a bit to try to clear my head. It's hard to sort your feelings out when H is around) You might still be in that wallowing every-thing-i-just-said-makes-you-cringe phase. That's ok too. Just do what you need to do to get a little strength and slowly, you will build up.


When you talk to OM, be firm. This is the right thing for you. YOU tell him that you don't want him to contact you anymore. You need to do this, sweetie. It won't get any easier if you don't.


We're here for you always!


Love, Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 10:35am
Hiya Bria,

Tears & grieving are a normal part of the whole process. And guess what? If you allow further communication from exMM then you get to start all over again from this point. Sounds like jolly good fun, eh?

You know I'm about to go through your post now so strap yourself in cuz this ain't pretty...

<<>>

Oh yeah, I was real strong when I bought a builder's knife for the purpose of slitting my wrists because I didn't WANT to have a life without exOM. Of course, I never followed through, how could I? I had a one year old toddler (now 22mos) and who the hell was going to explain to her that her Mommie was so self-absorbed and sufficiently selfish to abandon her? It's bad enough I was pretty much emotionally unavailable to her while I got my cr@p together. Oh, I'm particularly proud of that little episode...not.

You, too, have a child, if memory serves. Be honest with yourself, Bria - How much are you able to give him or her & really be there for him or her right now? You'll never have this time with your child again, can you afford to waste it being self-absorbed or faffing about with a selfish & dying EMA?

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So cry, mourn, and get it over with. This, too, shall pass. Unless, of course, you milk it for another few months or so.

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You can. It's just easier not to do so.

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See above answer.

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And you will permit this contact or you won't as you see fit.

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"All the good is gone," remember? So walk away - refuse any further contact whatsoever. You're giving him way too much power over you - who made him King? You did. So dethrone him. What you want (to continue as before) is simply not an option. Make a decision, Bria.

<<>>

Ah, so if he doesn't decide FOR you then you'll decide? Tsk-tsk. Make a decision, Bria.

<<>>

Cry when you can and be done with it. It has to be done and no one else can do it for you. Just don't make yourself do it over & over again by continuing contact with exMM.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 2:10pm
Hi Bria, Posie,

(and everyone:)

I just want to say how great it is to have some place to go to get support while going through this end of an EMA. It really is a loss. And one of the hardest parts seems to be having NO ONE to talk to about it. I'm sorry for you all, but glad to know that I'm not alone.

Grace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 2:35pm
Bria, it's really okay to feel this way; you've got to grieve it to get past it. You don't need to go through all the stages of grief at once -- you don't need to accept the idea of a future of NC just yet, just get through one hour at a time right now. Before long, YOU will be the strong one here offering support to people going through what you're going through.

I looked back at some of my first posts, and I can't even BELIEVE I was ever as distraught and broken and confused as I was 7 months ago. I promise: You won't feel like this forever! :)



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 5:02pm
Thanks for your support! Mornings are my worst times, usually b/c i wake up thinking of him. It was also the time we'd email a lot. I like the idea of not checking my email as often. I always blame the cell phone but I am addicted to my computer. I have at times felt annoyed at friends for emailing me and it not being MM. How silly is that! I know ti takes time. I just hate giving it time if that makes sense. I want it to be better now! I also read your post to TooGood about slip ups. I was really beatign myself up after contacting him yesterday (ened it for the 2nd time Thursday night as far as I am concerned).

Thanks for responding

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 5:13pm
Bria,

I have done the same thing. When my computer makes that little "you've got mail" noise and it's not him, my heart sinks. In the beginning i'd hear it 20 times a day and it was always him. also, when we are IMing at work, i get mad when my family calls or someone at work comes in to talk. it is silly, i just try to look at it as one more way i was not truly liviing my life and missing out when i was involved with him.

hang in there,

lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby