Getting stronger by the minute

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Getting stronger by the minute
4
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 9:20am
I'm moving over to this board from the support board. I've ended my 5 year affair this past weekend after being stood up at hotel waiting for xMM. I still have not heard a word from him but did send a nice long email which got alot of my frustration off my chest that has been building. I know eventually he will contact me, but I will be ready. I will no longer put up with a man who disrespects me.

I have blocked him on IM, Email and deleted him off my cell phone. Funny how less than a week ago I was constantly checking email or running to check my cell phone. Now I seem to care less...like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My H and I are getting along better, I seem more patient with my kids.

I know that time will heal the wounds.....I've been lurking since Saturday reading all the posts on here and you guys give alot of good advice. I will stay strong. Thanks for listening. :)

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 11:22am
Hiya PTC,

Welcome to the board in a sorry-you-needed-to-find-us kinda way.

5yrs is a long time. My affair was approaching the 4yr mark when I called it a day. A long time and yet no matter how much importance it assumes it's really such a small chunk of our overall lives.

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Why do you feel you need that final contact, PTC? If I sent one "ending" email, I musta sent a hundred over the years. Eventually you come to the conclusion that closure is something that only we can really give ourselves. Waiting on someone elses' permission to close a relationship neatly & tidily when it was never particularly neat or tidy in the first place is usually pretty futile. I guess I liked having the last word too much to allow a response LOL!

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All very positive steps, PTC. And, yes, the freedom in not feeling you need/must keep checking for contact in whatever form *is* rewarding. Things to watch out for here might be that blocking him on IM will certainly help, but this won't take away the tempation to check with he's online or wonder if he's chatting to someone else or worse trying to chat to us. Also removing his number from your cellphone doesn't prevent him from phoning you. In stronger moments, these aren't such a problem, it's in the weaker ones that we can easily find ways of tripping ourselves up.

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It's more what we choose to do with that time rather than the time itself which seems to heal those wounds. There's a whole grieving process to go through and each step will have to be felt & gone through before we're anything like starting to be done. It's a very individual thing and the manner in which we cycle through the stages as well as the duration varies a great deal. No matter how long it takes you or how bad it gets, know that there's someone here who's felt just the same and lived to tell the tale. ;)

Keep reading the posts and don't forget the archives, too, and if you need us, we're here, PTC.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 11:42am
>>>>I know eventually he will contact me, but I will be ready. I will no longer put up with a man who disrespects me.<<<

Welcome to the board although I already know that being here is a mixed blessing. The good part is that you are letting go of an addiction that could quite possibly ruin your life, family and marraige. The downside is that you are only at the beginning of what is going to be a very difficult journey no matter how strong you may feel at the moment.

Right now you are functioning on anger. What he did was very cruel but as time goes on, you will begin to waiver, and start missing him. This is where the hard part comes in. Some of us are still reeling in the aftermath even after 6 months, or a year. These relationships are devastating, and unless you are 100% into ending it, you will find yourself starting over and over again, reliving the pain and anguish from square one.

You seem to be strong in that you have already blocked email, IM's and deleted him from your cell. THIS is the FIRST most important step in NC. If he can't talk to you, then you will not weaken from hearing his voice. (or be sucked back in again by his lies).

Hope you hang around and learn ALL that you can. You will be amazed at what you will learn about yourself in the process. Good luck with your journey to emotional freedom ;)

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 1:50pm
I've always enjoyed seeing your upfront honesty in your posts. I think it is well needed and will probably seek you out in moments of weakness.

I hope that he doesn't contact me but I do know that he will. We unfortunately share a best friend who is caught up in the middle of this mess and we have the same circle of friends. It's always been his pattern to hurt me, let me cool off and then circle back. I've decided that there is no circle to come back to this time. I know I'm angry and I just need to remind myself of the hurt and disgust I felt sitting in that hotel room alone on Friday night, waiting. Waiting for a man who didn't give a rat's arse that I was sitting there or the fact that I'd paid for the room while he enjoyed a movie with another woman (of whom he thought he'd get some from, but didn't)

I know that blocking him from IM, phone was not enough but I've also deleted him off my IM list so that I don't know when he's online. I don't care if he's online talking to his next victim. I know it takes two to tango and I closed my eyes and turned the cheek way to often for this man....but no more. I am just as much to blame for allowing it.

I plan on spending this extra time and energy that I spent on the EMA towards my family. I have 3 beautiful children and a H who although things are not great, I think I can make them better with giving him the attention a wife should. Attention that has been elsewhere for 5 years.

Again Posie, thanks for your insight and kind words. Always appreciated.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 2:52pm
Hiya PTC,

<<>>

Good stuff! It's also entirely down to you to ensure that this circle is broken once & for all. Unfortunately, this isn't something anyone can do for you. If you cut off all his methods of communication, he loses the ability to press any of your buttons that he knows so well. The more distance you have and the longer the time period, the more things begin to lose their rosy glow, and clarity starts kicking in with full force.

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As True mentioned, anger is an extremely useful tool for some of us to begin to make the real break. It can help propel us in the opposite direction and while it's a pretty effective shield, it isn't a permanent state.

You aren't "stuck" being angry forever, PTC. Only 6mos from last contact with exOM, I have no anger towards him and haven't for quite some time now. I'll admit to some disappointment that he's unwilling to have a relationship with our daughter (visitations are supervised in the sole presence of my DH - I won't break NC even for that), but I have no anger.

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Exactly, and if only one is dancing, it's a solo performance, right? And if he looks around and notices there's no audience, well, it gets a little embarassing lol!

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This really takes me back, PTC. It makes me re-examine just how little I understood at one time about the extent to which I'd created my own situation. I would have told you I was one-half responsible and even meant it, but I still felt very like a victim.

It wasn't until I had enough time & distance to begin to process it all that I began to get to grips with exactly how I'd not only permitted all that had happened but I'd also enabled & encouraged ALL of it that the penny finally dropped into place. I'd been Captain of my own ship at all times and my ship was where it was because I'd plotted a course, picked the co ordinates, and steered it right to the location I'd chosen. Perhaps I'm just dimmer than most (and that's entirely likely lol), but this took me awhile to get my head around.

You'll be peeling layers from your affair onion for awhile yet, PTC. And that's actually better news than it sounds! There's a great deal of strength, self-knowledge & self-awareness, and yes, peace, too, to be gained.

We'll be here when you need us, and often when ya don't.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie