getting tired

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
getting tired
17
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 8:45am

I know that I'm in the fight of my life for my emotional self. But right now, I feel like I'm in the 12th round of a boxing match and I'm about to go down. I guess I'm going about this like I do everything - with full force. But I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm tired of being sad. I've been reading and writing and processing and crying and doing everything I can to stay busy. I am having moments of peace, but I feel like it's so hard to achieve even that. And I think about XAP just going about his life.

I feel like a selfish brat because there are those of you out there that have to deal with LC and husbands. There are some things coming up in the next few weeks that will be hard - his birthday and a few golf outings that I know he will be at.

Not sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just an energy drink and someone to tell me I'll get to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Bodhi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 9:05am
You will get through this tunnel and come out better in the long run because you finally stood up for yourself and stopped allowing xmm to destroy your self-esteem. If you throw in the towel now you will start over with being his secret little fun girl while he goes home to his W. You can do this. You will meet an available guy who won't put you second behind his W. You won't have to hide out and you won't have to worry about what he is doing while he is with his OW if you just hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 9:50am

Bodhi,
One of the biggest steps in the healing process is learning to be patient and at peace through the pain and the fatigue. There is no quick cure for these feelings so one needs to let them just wash over and go with the flow. Pain is a wonderful educator! I know that you saying you're tired and sad does not mean you're looking a going back into the A as a fix. Try to focus on your strength and the positives you've achieved. Changing your perspective and coaching yourself to use your inner-voice in a positive way really helps.

I'm feeling you, though, and sending you a cyber hug.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 10:53am

Bodhi,

It's so difficult. I had some significant dates pass recently. And dealt with many in the past. I always dreaded those dates and events. They were not nearly as bad as I anticipated. I put too much thought into em. By the time they came and went I realized that they took so much energy into them, it was really limiting my healing process.

One thing that really helped me get thru them was I would post here a day or two before the date or event. I would get all types of support n encouragment. During the event or date I would think of all my EAS friends. It was as if they were with me. I was never alone. I would take deep breaths n literally feel them n their words with me. This board can get u thru even if u r not on it. We remember one another. N find that we pull thru together.

U have come farther than u ever have. He is a serious fisher. And u didn't take the bait. You have much to be proud of. Really. It's going to take a lot of time. But u r off to the best start. We are here to help you.

Unfortunately, the pain and exhaustion you are feeling today is part of ur healing. Ya gotta go thru this darkness.

I promise it's well worth what u will feel in the months to come. You will be so proud of urself. U will shine. You will grow...

U will look at yourself in the mirror n like what u see.

Keep posting,

luvin

Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 11:14am

Bodhi,


The first month of NC is the worst.

Babysteps


...even if it is all I can do, I can take one babystep.


NC/LC since May 21, 2010

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 11:19am

Bodhi girl, just keep on hanging tight.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 11:38am

Everyone - I really don't know what I would do without all of you. I didn't have anyone to help me through this until now. I have 3 girlfriends and I've never talked about the A with any of them. I'm glad - I don't want my screwed up life to be the topic of conversation, plus my theory has always been that everyone has a close friend that they think won't tell anyone.

Why - you're right. I have to remember my goal. And that's getting through this so I can be free to meet someone of my own. Thank you :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 11:44am

(((Dee)))

I need hugs today :) Thank you. I have a hard time with patience.

<<>>

You're right - I'm not looking to go back at all. The thought of that scares me. I just always wanted him to "fix" things and I think that's why it's setting in that I'm in for a long haul on my own (so to speak).

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 11:56am

Luvin -

<<>>

I will do that. I have had a very hard time with events because over the course of 7 1/2 years, there have been a lot of them. I think of all of you as friends too. It really helps knowing all of you are out there.

<<>>

You are so right. I'm sure XAP is still driving by. Making sure no one is taking his "property". I feel his presence everywhere. Deep breaths.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 12:02pm

Babysteps -

You made me cry :)

<<>>

I don't want to weird you out, but I am actually picturing what you wrote. Something I just realized too, you said "count the days that you continue to choose your dignity over XMM". I've been trying not to count because I've thought of it as X number of days since I've talked to him, seen him, etc. All negative. Wow. Thank you so much.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 12:13pm

Thank you New Season :)

<<>>

When I'm feeling confident and strong I think about the future and the fact that I will end up better off. It's just feels like I'm the one struggling right now - but that's an assumption I shouldn't make. I have no idea what's going on for him on his end.

Thank you for sharing your inspiration. It didn't bother me at all - I'm all-inclusive when it comes to beliefs.

Bodhi

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