Give me the tough love, please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Give me the tough love, please!
18
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 4:58pm

So, those of you familiar with my story, know that I have to maintain LC (very LC) because xap and I work together every quarter. Today, I am NC/LC 41 days and I could not be prouder. I've been doing very well. I "get" it. A flip has been switched in my brain.

Today, I had to send him a note about one of our projects. It was all business per usual. His response came back - and it was all business per usual too. It was short. And to the point. If it had been from anyone else, I would not have thought twice about it. But, before I knew what was happening, tears were streaming down my face. God, how pathetic am I. I feel so overwhelmed right now. I do know that these moments pass, but this is one of those moments for me, and in it, well you know- it just feels awful. Please, give me some tough love, or a hug if you prefer. I do know that I will be ok, but right now, I feel just awful.

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 11:21am

Again, thank you all so much. Iddy hit it on the head when she said it was like a knife to the heart, but I keep rereading the words posted earlier that by responding in a business-like manner, he is being respectful; he is giving me space to heal.

Honestly, since I ended it, he's been nothing but respectful. I told him not to contact me in a personal manner and he has not (nor have I). We have a photo shoot tomorrow and it would be the first time I see him since I walked out that day. It will be day 43. I thought I'd be able to handle it. I thought I'd be able to waltz in, do the job and be ok, but if I am being honest with myself, I know it would affect me too much. I am deep in self protection mode. I don't want anything tipping my scales, so I have arranged for one of my co-workers to oversee the shoot in my stead. I know just knowing that she's there with him and they are working on something that I have so much passion for, will be hard, but much easier than actually being there, working next to him.

I know one day I will reach indifference. I am not there yet. But what I can tell newbies is this- with each day I get stronger. With each day, I think of him less. Each step I take forward takes me farther from the past. This is a long journey, I know, but it is one I am so glad to be on. There's no going back :)

CSN- I follow your posts too. I'd love to talk to you more if you'd like. If not, I'd love it if you checked out my blog. I post there at least 3 times a day lately as I try to sort through my emotions. It's so helpful for me to go back and read my posts from the first week of NC to see how far I've come. http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 12:53pm

wow. that is such a lovely blog! I love the title!!
good job, Janie bo Banie!

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 1:10pm

Love the blog Jane.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 1:49pm

Wow, Jane!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 2:04pm

Thanks for visiting my blog. It's mostly for myself- seeing that it's anonymous and all, but I find it very therapeutic. And since I started blogging, a few women like us have stumbled across it and now we chat via email. It's been very healing to get it out and talk to others going through the same thing. And it's so helpful to read back through and remind myself how far I've come- especially on those days when I feel like I am back at day 1. Day 42 NC/LC and going strong :)

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 4:58pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 03-12-2010 - 9:59am

Hi Jane,


Those darn emos can sneak up on us when we least expect it. It’s important to realize that we did have feelings and emotions invested in the A. The feelings themselves are not bad. It’s where we choose to invest them and with whom that is unhealthy. We invested them in a person that could not edify those emotions. How could they? Either they had obligated themselves to another or we were or both.


Now that some time has passed explore why you had the reaction you did. Was it because you still deep down had some expectations or where you holding on to some hope? Did it trigger a memory?


If we use each step of the ending process even the painful parts and learn and grow from them, then we can find what makes us tick so to speak. The key is to allow the emotions and work through them but not to dwell or wallow in them.


Jane, you mentioned you had three D-days. I was curious if you ever go NC after the other D-days?

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 03-12-2010 - 10:05am

Hi E1- You are absolutely right. I must still have expectations or longings for him to miss me more than I miss him. Blah blah blah- all a bunch of garbage that I need to let go of and I am getting better. After DDay #1 (very early into my A), I went NC for about a week and then it started back up again. After DDay #2, we went NC/LC for about 2 months, but I was such a pathetic, hopeless romantic and continued to hold out hope in my heart for xap. So, I ended it and the very next day I had DDay 3. I had already hit rock bottom and decided to end it, so it made NC much easier this time. Day 43 and I am looking forward :)

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/

Pages