Given up my right to complain?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2009
Given up my right to complain?
2
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 12:34pm

This is something that has bothered me since my A, and it came to the forefront yesterday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 1:35pm

Hi, mwjbto-
Your husband seems to recognize you haven't forfeited the right to complain and told you so. And you handled the offending-issue with your husband in a way that seems reasonable. So, I think you've answered your own question. Marriage works when two people are equally respectful and accountable. Nobody wants to be married to a doormat.

That said, coming out of an A and now having removed the fog from your life, you will begin to see a new and sometimes very painful perspective. It's a real opportunity for growth and understanding in your M and I'm glad you and your H are approaching it as such.

Best to you,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 3:04pm

Rebuilding a M after an A is very hard work but it's good that your DH admits that you have the right to let him know when something bothers you. Be really careful because your M is on a very slippery slope. Your DH is confused, and hurt beyond what you can imagine. He is very vulnerable for a RA (revenge A). That is exactly what I did. My RA was a very big mistake now that I look back on it but the pain of betrayal makes you want to safeguard yourself and keep your options open. If you have a problem with your DH looking at porn maybe you should watch it with him and then try some new things if you know what I mean. Before we started rebuilding I could not imagine looking at porn with my DH but now there are no restrictions in our M as long as neither of us bring in a third party again. I get sad when I read on this board about how some MW who are ending an A don't have desires for the DH when he's a good man. I'm sure their poor DH is starving for some kind of attention. It reminds me of how I withdrew from my DH before his A. It's just not fair to stay with a man or woman and not try to give the M all you have got.


Can you honestly say that you have recommitted yourself 100% to your M and that you are rocking your DH world the way you did for your AP? Your DH may be lonely because I am sure you pushed him away while you were having an A. If you can't put your all into your M then maybe it's time to reconsider whether you want to actually be M.