giving up that last hope . . .
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giving up that last hope . . .
| Tue, 06-07-2005 - 8:19am |
Having just recently ended it, I still don't feel like I have totally, 100%, ended it because I still hold out this stupid, crazy hope that he'll come back to me. And the things that I do to occupy myself, like going to the gym, I'm embarrassed to admit,in some small way, I'm doing for him (like thinking how great I'll look if we do run into each other). When and how do I get over this sickness/addiction/disease? I want to get over this, but I am still obsessed with thoughts of the affair and him.
How did you let go? What things helped you to move on in your life? I'm desperate and despondent. I want to call him. I want to write. I'm pathetic. This is an extremely rough patch right now.
Help,
Birdie

I'm right there with you Birdie. I was posting for a while when NC started, but have been mostly lurking, desperately looking for advice or ways to move on. I have the exact same fantasies as you do. I think it's normal. We want some kind of closure (which is BS) or something. We need some kind of affirmation of some sort that they really did like/love/want us. I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice, as I am in the same boat.
I've been total NC for about 2.5 months (with the exception of seeing him in town/on the road, with just a wave or a beep hello). But I think even that timy bit still sets me back. After all this time, I seem to have some good weeks, then something triggers me like seeing him with his new g/f (he's single and I'm married) that makes we feel lousy. But I have noticed that each time it gets less painfull. So I guess time is the answer.
Please do not call him/write etc. Hold onto any shred of dignity you may have left. Sometimes, reminding myself that I've been strong and have NOT contacted him makes me feel better. It helps with the self esteem, which lacks after any breakup. I'm not proud of much, but I am proud that I have stayed committed to NC. That hekps me to realize that I am healing, although very slowly! Please post when you feel down. I had a bad night so I felt really compelled to reply to you. Today, I feel better. PLease don't contact, in time it will pass.
Stay strong Birdie!
Despr8
Despr8,
Thanks for your reply. It means a lot to me. I feel so alone right now. I can't seem to get my act together today. I am trying to have a plan for each day, to get me through. But I am failing miserably at all of this. Our situations sound similar. Chances are that, sooner or later like you, I will run into my affair partner while driving or around town, also. I can't seem to shake that habit of looking for him/his car. I had a horrid night last night/this early morning, as well. I'm proud of you for your NC. Keep it up. Maybe we can help each other. So far, I haven't called or written to him.
What are you doing to help you through the days/nights? As I said, I go to the gym. I'm looking for a part-time job. But it's hard to do these things when I don't really have the spirit in me.
Birdie
To birdie and Despr8,
Bottom line; It's hard, draining, hurtful, emotional, and confusing. The only way for moving on and/or letting go comes with "TIME." Both of you are still caught up in the tide that drags you back crashing into those painful rocks of hope vs despair.
Be patient with yourselves. Nurture yourselves. You are healing, and they say it takes 1/2 as long to get over someone as the time you were involved. There is no easy fix to feeling better other than positive affirmations that you are worth MUCH MORE than what you were giving yourself and what little crumbs you were receiving back.
Look forward, not back. Find new hobbies, interests, friends, set new goals, go back to school to improve your work skills (if you are employed or looking for employment). Join some organizations, volunteer, read-read-read, journalize, take little trips out of town, get a complete makeover, pray. You have to emtionally undo all those false hopes and expectations that affairs cannot fulfill. They are as deceptive as the actions we took in participating in them.
I wish you both peace and strength,
I'm looking for a P/T job too! Having too much time on my hands gets me in trouble! I, like you, also have a habit of looking for his car! It's funny how similar our feelings and actions are right now? It's funny as long as we don't act on them! I wish you didn't have to feel so alone. Are you married? I'm assuming you're not. But being with someone (as I am), I actually sometimes WISH I was alone to work through my feelings. It's important to grieve and get it all out. How long have you benn NC?
One thing I am doing right now to help is actively going to therapy. I know some don't like the idea or have reservations, but for me it works. When you are stuck like we are, it means we are not over it (obviously). My T told me we need to talk about the A more. I had my reservations about that, thinking that it would make me dwell more, when in fact, it's the opposite. Once I get out all that's bottled up, it seems I don't think about him as much. It's really great to have someone to talk to, who you can be honest with and they will not judge. It's kind of like this board except you get immediate feed back. She's a very active therapist. I'm so glad I found her. Have you considered therapy? Especially if you are feeling so alone, it may help to talk to a T.
If you are considering this, be careful to choose a good therapist. When I was very active in the A, a friend persuaded me to go to a T. This T was a big mistake. (1) I wasn't ready to end the A, and (2) she offered no encouragement whatsoever in doing so. She basically told me that lots of people lead double lives. To me, this was the green light for me to continue the A. IF I had seem a T that pointed out the reality and dangers of an A, and why I was doing it, perhaps I would have ended the A and gotten better results. She was also very focused on my R with my H, rather than to explore what was wrong with ME as to why I choose the A path.
After that experience, I was hesitant to see another A, but over the last 3 months I was really floundering. I desperately needed help. I'm glad I gave it another shot.
This may be something you should consider. It REALLY helps to just TALK!
Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to offer you another option and explain why. Please keep up the NC. As someone said on this board, NC means no new hurts. It's so true. NC is the best advice anyone can give at this point. I actually have NO desire to contact him now. The feelings are still there to a degree, and there is some obsessing, but no urges to contact. It does work so long as you stick with it!
If you want to talk further, or use me as asounding board whenever, you can email me. Try the link on my name. If it doesn't work, I'll post it for you. Hope this helps.
Despr8 (hopefully I'll change my screen name at some point!)
Thanks for the reply. I know you are right. I'm trying to do everything you suggested. As I mentioned to Birdie, I'm actively in T. If you don't mind me asking, did you go through any T? If you did, to what degree did you feel it helped? I know the effort must come from within. I'm ready to change. Whatever needs to be fixed I want to fix, but I feel as though I need the help. Some here disagree.
Thanks,
Despr8
Keep reminding yourself of the reasons why things weren't working out between you two. Focus on all the negatives that were part of the A. Whenever you start to remember all the warm fuzzy feelings, quickly change those thoughts to the worst thing he did to you, or the worst memory you have during the A. Keep focused that if you WERE to get back with him, all those bad things would still be a part of the relationship, nothing will be different, NOTHING! Everytime I would get sucked back into the A, thinking that's what I wanted so the ache of missing him would go away, all the problems that existed in the A were still all there. It doesn't change. If you've been reading these boards long enough, you'll find that to be true. It's why almost everyone on here has attempted to end their A's more than once. They go back to stop the misery of missing them, and are only THAT MUCH MORE hurt when things don't work out yet again.
Hang in there, like the others said, time really does lessen the pain. Even after 9 months of my A being over, I still have thoughts of wanting to meet him, then remember that not only will all the bad stuff still be part of the relationship, but that in the process, I look like a total idiot going back into a negative situation as if that's all I'm worth. My peace of mind is worth going thru the painful process of getting over him.
Despr8,
Thanks for the support. I did email you. Let me know if you don't get it.
Birdie
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Once upon a time I was a therapist. Yes. I do believe that therapy can help tremendously in sorting out the reasons as to why we indulge in toxic relationships.