Giving more than you ever got back...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Giving more than you ever got back...
19
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 10:32am

Dear Enders,


I was reading the posts this morning and saw a pattern that I think we need to address. Caribu wrote: "why should I feel sad, he

   ~Iddy~ 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 10:45am

(I'm stalking you today Iddy).


Oh honey, "he who cares least wins" has been my motto for years.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 1:14pm

Before this thread gets lost in the shuffle I am going to ask the lunch crowd if anyone will admit that they were the givers, far more so than the receivers, during their affair. It's time to be honest with yourselves and admit it one way or another that your affair was indeed more one-sided than you had expected.


Any takers? Now's your chance to vent your hearts out. ;-)

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2008
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 1:33pm
Haven't posted in a long time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 1:42pm
Newbie here, I was a giver, even after before I knew he was married. A giver after I knew he was married. I can use the pregnancy all I want, but I probably woulda contd to see him anyway, baby or no baby. Baby was just an excuse, and after I knew, I still saw him, still cooked him meals, still gave him sex, so I was definitely a giver. Funny cuz it did not start out that way....but slowly that is what it became. I cant use the excuse of me not know about W, once I knew, he had me by then, and I woulda stuck thru it.....if not for me deciding not to have it. I figured, if you do this major thing, this thing you dont want to and may haunt you, you gotta let him go no matter what and although it hurts right now. i know i made the best choice at the time, but you hit it Iddy, I was the giver...before i knew and after and still would be but for this board and some wake up calls.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 1:57pm

Iddy.....you hit it RIGHT on the head!! WHY do we do it?? I know my A was one-sided! I was always the one calling him just to hear his voice. I thought about him all the time and couldn't wait to see him again. I'm sure he thought about me only a faction of the time, if at all. When we were alone, he took advantage of the situation. Yes, it was my fault because I allowed him to do it and knew right off the bat that it was a PA only. Still hurts thought.....

Like you said about crumbs....why do we wait to get the meager scraps? We are worth SO MUCH MORE LADIES!!!! Looking back on it, I can't believe how much of my time I wasted on him.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 3:46pm
Wow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 4:39pm

I was without question the giver, and I just broke NC after a week. I said no to his requests multiple times this week to see one another. And the last time I said yes, ...he was right outside my door. Because, I was the giver. The irony was I was just an 'in between' visit today ... which i didn't know. So when my anger couldn't be held back any more, he said he couldn't handle how hurtful i was being and left. This after I just listened to him say that i should find a full-time lover because he can only be mine part-time. That he hopes my ex and I get back together ... so that my ex and i can be full-time and he and i part time. i feel dirty ... he has triggered deep-seated trauma wounds. i am so triggered. So, finding this thread has been important. Not maybe the best thread, but this is where it has landed. i have been a giver ... and was so grateful for the scraps i got in return. i too was always grounded in reality, but he always changed the rules. it became impossible to know if up was up and down was down. manipulation distorts our perceptions of reality. erodes us. i can't imagine being someone who takes and doesn't give back.

and i can no longer imagine being the person who tolerates such treatment...so back on the wagon i crawl (-:

thanks for all of you ...

j.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 4:48pm

I can honestly say that for a long time, we BOTH were givers....over time he seemed to give less and less, and take more and more...and that's when I realized he was complacent, and he didn't need to keep giving for me to stick around...he had me hook, line, and sinker and I would settle for his crumbs with little effort on his part.


UGH....I pulled away and purposely stopped giving.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 5:08pm

If it's any consolation Mickey, you got a broken heart but I got herpes.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 6:15pm

Hi Iddy,


Very good post and it hit home with me today.


My W's AP told me that her H/AP would pry on vulnerable women that were naive, insecure.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

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