Giving my marriage another try
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| Wed, 01-26-2005 - 1:15pm |
I have decided to try to give my marriage another try.
I had wanted a divorce months and months before my A started.......and then durring the A I of course was even more validated in freeing myself.......
But I see now that I had been angry at my H and unwilling to compromise with him for many years on issues that we never saw eye to eye on.
The love that I have for xMM is hindering my life.......but I know that I will let go of him or rather, gain acceptance of him, me, the situation when the time is right....when I am ready (god I hope that is soon).
I have alot of work ahead of me.......as I know that most of the issues in my marriage are mine, I would say that its 80% me and 20% my H.
I dont want to love someone elses husband. I dont want to know he is misserable and unhappy.........I have to find a way to have NC with his W!!!! knowing that he is misserable and that they fight alot keeps me knowing that he does still care in some way about me. I dont want to know anymore about him or her or them or anything.
How do you go about stoping your feelings for someone???????? Do I just think bad about him - do I think everything he ever said was a lie??
I have to create a distaste for him somehow...........
I want to love my H again - and not just as a friend.......can you really ever fall in love with someone again?

Anna
I can tell you the answer is yes but more importantly is that you may never have really stopped loving your husband, sometimes we get so angry for so long we just forget our love or bury it under the anger and hurt feelings and if you have an affair you often assume that you did it because you do not love your spouse, very often when the affair is over and we clean house emotionally we find out that the person we are married to is really the one that we love.
It takes GUTS to see that you are a major contributor to the problems in your marriage, many who leave there spouse for the AP learn to late that they can be as much to blame as there spouse was for the marriage problems and there decision to cheat was 100 percent of there own doing and that there spouse did not cause them to make that decision... but admiting that a problem exisits is the first step toward dealing with it.
You do not have to create a distaste for XMM, in fact were you want to get to is TOTAL INDIFFENCE as long as you keep any feelings for him good or bad he remains a part of your life and will influance your future and the future of your family.
No contact and a great deal of time with a agenda of working on yourself is the only way to get there I know off, that move to NY for you and HUBBY would still be a good idea in my opinion.
I wish you and hubby luck in makeing a better future together.
Free
Anna,
Hello again! I just logged on today for the first time in a long time.
I'm really happy for you. I know that it isn't easy, but give it your best shot. I think it is entirely possible. Once you wipe the fog of the other guy off your lenses, you can see your husband again. If you focus on the issues between the two of you, you might just find everything you've been missing is right there in front of you.
God bless.
Newsgal
Edited 1/31/2005 8:12 am ET ET by newsgal524
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Anna,
I think you can try to talk your mind into believeing that it was all a lie, but if you know it wasn't, your heart won't buy it. I've tried to think of all the things he ever told me and tried to say he was lying, but I know he wasn't. He may not have been respecting me by making me promises and then not keeping them, but I honsetly think he BELIEVED those promises at the time he made them. (That he was gonna leave her, start a life with me. ) I know he felt the way he said he did for me. So I take comfort in those thoughts as I try to get over him and the A. I think it helps to be able to look back and smile instead of looking back with anger. I don't want to be angry. It takes too much energy. Just look at it for what it is and know that it's just something that HAS to be done. I think in time you will get those feelings back for your H. Good Luck!!
PAL