Giving myself away
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Giving myself away
| Fri, 02-18-2011 - 8:45am |
So, here I sit. On vacation in a beautiful place with my family. I thought going away would be a vacation from thoughts of JAM. I know he is down here on a conference. He's as close to me now as we.are in RL.
Why am I thinking of him here? Why can't I let this go? I think of other toxic friendships I have had. I was.able to cut hurtful people out of my life and never look back. I have girls in the tween mean girl stage and I tell them to never allow anyone into their lives who doesn't treat them with kindness and respect. I tell them to love themselves.
Yet, here I am. Struggling to rid my life...my brain...of someone who didn't treat me with kindness or respect. Is it because he saw me naked?? Many before him have .... truth be told, due to our distance and his reluctance to ever make time to see me....we saw each other maybe a dozen times over an 18 year period. Why is this so difficult? Because he didn't want me? Because he kept trolling for someone better than me?
On paper this is ridiculous. In my heart its painful. I'm trying to make sense of this. Why I allowed this to happen at all. Why I allow my self esteem to be so negatively affected because of a man I really didn't even know. Ugh. My ego has been whacked. Maybe I'm a narcissist too?
Why am I thinking of him here? Why can't I let this go? I think of other toxic friendships I have had. I was.able to cut hurtful people out of my life and never look back. I have girls in the tween mean girl stage and I tell them to never allow anyone into their lives who doesn't treat them with kindness and respect. I tell them to love themselves.
Yet, here I am. Struggling to rid my life...my brain...of someone who didn't treat me with kindness or respect. Is it because he saw me naked?? Many before him have .... truth be told, due to our distance and his reluctance to ever make time to see me....we saw each other maybe a dozen times over an 18 year period. Why is this so difficult? Because he didn't want me? Because he kept trolling for someone better than me?
On paper this is ridiculous. In my heart its painful. I'm trying to make sense of this. Why I allowed this to happen at all. Why I allow my self esteem to be so negatively affected because of a man I really didn't even know. Ugh. My ego has been whacked. Maybe I'm a narcissist too?

Hello 4W
Im sorry to hear that you are feeling bad.