Going Back to Just Friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Going Back to Just Friends
6
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 2:54pm
Well I finally did it. After 7 months of being in an emotional A that lead to physical within the last 2 months (only a couple of intimate encounters) I told my MM that I have to go back to being just friends.

I know that most say this can’t be done; it has to be NC. But I am very strong-willed and really want to be friends with him so I have to try. We work together but don’t see each other often. He knew all along that I did not want to cheat on my H. I could not go through life without experiencing this kind of passion though, so I let myself be intimate with him. (Since it was not IC I don’t think he considers it cheating but I do.)

I em’d him a few days ago and he replied normally… a little chit chat at first and then said ‘I accept whatever you decide’. He said he somewhat expected to get a note like this from me.

I need to be strong if he IM’s me. I need to stop any conversations if they turn sexual. I need to put the boundaries back and not cross them. I can do it. I’m so strong. I need to do it for myself and my M. I am NOT a liar. I am who I am. I am not going to live a double life. I am a damn good wife. He told me before that I am a better person than him. Maybe I am.

Just wanted to share.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 3:14pm
Good for you!

I'm wishing you all the strenght you need to fight these feelings and desires. You are a strong woman, and a damn good wife.

Best of Luck!!

I can only hope that it rubs off on me.

Thanks for sharing!!

:)czy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 3:42pm
Having "Been There/Done That" and failed, but wanting you to succeed -- here are two pieces of advice:

- Don't have any conversations (email, IM, otherwise) that you couldn't share word-for-word with your husband. If you are still doing anything that you have to hide from him, you are still being unfaithful.

- Don't go overboard making "rules" about the friendship with the XOM. The more the XMM & I talked about boundaries when we tried to go platonic, the stronger the attraction grew. Something about talking about the lines you won't cross makes those lines all the more enticing!

You sound like a strong woman. You can do this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 5:51pm
I am in same boat. OM is dating a new girl now. All this after proclaiming his undying love for me couple of months back and telling me he won't be seeing anybody for a long time. I wonder where all that resolve went, gone with the wind, I suppose... MEN!!!!

I know it is right for him to move on but it hurts like hell. I don't think I can do this crappy friends thing again. I didn't think much about his dating when we were seeing each other, but now after it all ended I get a feeling that I may loose to some girl permanently. :( What can I do, though? I have no right to complain. Its so hard. Damn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 6:05pm


Agreed on all points

You know what they say about forbidden fruit.


Best of luck

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 9:20pm
Nice one, IV. I really like your style. I especially admire your self-esteem and knowing that you are a good wife, and allowing yourself to be maybe a little imperfect. That's something that I need to work on, and I'm inspired by your note.

Also, I have to agree with everyone on the discussion of boundaries = intimacy. If my 'M'M and I could stop discussing how we need to quit being emotionally intimate, then we would stop being emotionally intimate!!!

best wishes, Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 9:28pm
Hi,

I also am going through the difficult process of hopefully going back to being only friends, mine from an A of three years, at least the physical part, the emotional part had been going on much longer than that.

As others reading these posts have read my previous one last week, I will shorten my own story and only say that my H and I received some health news which shook me up and made me realize the pettiness of the A in my life and made me put my priorities in order at last. I had been ready to do this for months anyway, this was just the thing which pushed me over the edge and made my resolve a real one.

I told my ex OM last Friday that we could not continue being intimate, that I just could not handle it any more, but that I wanted us to still be the friends we had been for so many years. I did not set any specific rules except to make it understood that the sexual aspect of our relationship would not continue. He works right beside me each day, but luckily, this week, we have both been quite busy. He has respected my hands off policy and we have laughed and chit chatted about office gossip and just safe normal topics. He has a couple of times made a sexual reference and I just ignored the remark and went on to another topic.

My worst problem I can see, is that I made the big mistake of letting him know during the past years some of my dissatisfaction in my marriage. I have noticed that he is now using these things to get to me. To hurt me or to make me weaken my resolve and turn back to him. It will be little comments like "hasn't your husband called you today?" or "it's such a pretty day, your husband should come and take you out to lunch."

He may think this is hurting me, but it is only making me very angry with him because I know what he is doing. It is a very sneaky mind game and it isn't going to work. In fact, it is doing just the opposite. It is making me see what a ruthless self centereed person he is.

It has been very stressful, but I haven't been tempted to be with him as I thought I might. However, if he doesn't stop the crappy little comments, our friendship will certainly not stand this.

Hang in there and just try to keep your contact with your ex OM on as much a casual bassis as possible.

Good luck to you.

IP