GOING FROM LOVERS TO FRIENDS

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
GOING FROM LOVERS TO FRIENDS
4
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 5:37am
My affair was with a friend thru work who is a cop.

It happended so fast and was so intense for 5 months.

We are both married and from the start agreed that we would keep it physical and not get emotional. I thought it was working until another cop friend questioned me about it, he said he could see it coming for a while and believes that we are both in denial about not having any emotional feelings for each other.

Well, yesterday, my mm called me and said we needed to talk. He said with all the stress of his job situation right now and our affair, that he hasn't been able to eat or sleep for a while and has been very short with his wife, kids, and his troops at work. Everyone knows something is up. He said he can't afford to lose his job or his family.He said he wants us to remain friends because he feels like he can talk to me about anything. I told him that I understand and that I can still be his friend. He asked me twice if I was sure I could do it and asked me if I had gotten emotionally involved, I told him I could handle being friends and that I hadn't gotten emotionally involved, even though I think I was. He told me that I have a good man for a husband, which is true and that he honestly believes that if my husband ever found out about our affair, that my husband would come after him with a venegance, I do believe that. I will miss our times together and our private talks at work. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to handle going back to being friends as if nothing ever happened?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 7:34pm
I'm sorry but I won't be of much help here. Xmm and I are also trying to be friends, but it is really hard to separate things. You'll want to just erase the affair and treat each other like you did pre-affair but it's just a little too weird. We are also co-workers and for now are trying to keep it business only. It's been a little over 5 months since we ended it and I don't think we will ever be back to normal.

Good luck and if it works for you let me know how in the world you did it.

Anyone else out there have any thoughts?

(edited for a typo)


Edited 2/4/2004 8:02:09 PM ET by alifechoice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 8:45pm
hey there - yes, it is possible to be friends with your xOM, but it takes hard hard work. I went there with my co-worker too, and seeing him in the office everyday was extremely difficult. The best thing to do to go back to being friends, is to spend some time away from each other. I don't know if that's possible in your workplace, but you've got to try to get out of sight of each other to clear the air of the intimacy you once shared. For me, I asked my boss to give me more work, and I scheduled more meetings (external ones where possible). I was then thrown a life line when my xOM was transferred to another department (which meant he moved to another floor), and then transferred to an overseas office (which quickened the healing process by leaps and bounds). Although you can never go back to the way things were 'as if nothing happened', going through the motions will help. It's harsh on your heart to pretend and play-act, but sometimes that's just what you have to do to get through it.

Get a best friend to hear you out, and be your voice of reason. Everytime you want to text him or email him, tell your best friend to stop you.

my two cents' worth...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 9:24pm
It is very very hard to be friends, and I have not been able to do it yet, although we have been trying since December. And we are long distance!!!!!!! We both get confused sometimes, like when I asked him if he thinks about me when he is...um...pleasuring himself....and like when he was visiting my city, and he brought me to a lingerie shop!!!!

These things always lead to fights and confrontations and tears, and it is just so damn difficult!

A part of me wants to just be friends to remove the teasing and the torture. A part of me wants to keep having him walk me into lingerie shops because it is so titillating!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 1:36am
In that case, I honestly think you should go no contact. It will be awfully difficult at first, and I know this sounds like such over-used and cliched advice, but in the long run the no-contact will do you a world of good. AND it MAY lead to your becoming friends, but it may not. If it does, good. If it doesn't, then the friendship wasn't meant to last.

You can still walk into lingerie stores by yourself! :-)