Going Out of My Mind
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|Fri, 05-16-2003 - 2:25pm|
He was hesitant at first, but after 2 months of intense flirting, we started a full blown affair. Over the course of the year, we got very close emotionally. 2500 minutes a month alone on our cell phones! Thank god for Sprint!
Over the course of our affair, when he would tell me that he felt very guilty, I told him that I did, too. But I was lying. I don't love my husband, all I wanted was him.
I told him I would never ask him to leave his family, but I was only lying to myself. I wanted him all to myself. One day I confronted him and I asked him if he loved his wife. He said he didn't, but he cared about what happened to her, but even this he answered with great hesitation because he stared accusing me of asking "loaded questions."
We got to know each other so well. He was so funny, so smart, such a great listener, a great friend, and lover. He knew everything about my son and daughter, and I knew everything about his daughters. Sometimes he even gave me parenting advice. He shared everything from cute things they said over the weekend to lost tooth pictures.
The only thing we avoided (or at least tried very hard to) was talking about our spouses. We both admitted that hearing about them made them real and thus stung too much.
The sex that we had was incredible. Of course, tell me what kind of sneaking around sex isn't?
Then I started wanted more. He told me if it wasn't for the fact that he had two kids (ages 5 and 7) that our affair would not have gone on as long as it had. That we would have been together. Ultimately, he would like for us to end up together, and at first I liked that he thought of us that way. His kids were just so young and as it was, because of the kind of job that he had (I used to be a co-worker, so I understood the kind of hours he worked) it was bad enough that he didn't see his kids as it was.
But he had all those weekends with him- and her! It bothered me so much.
This was enough for me for like a day. Then I would start in again. The pressure I put on him became unbearable. I just couldn't take the idea of his still sleeping with his wife while he was with me.
Anyway, we started making each other crazy because when I wouldn't get my way, I would get very angry and threaten to tell his wife everything. I was so jealous of her, and I still am. It appeared to me like she had everything that I wanted, and I wanted to ruin her damn illusion.
I know that this is not the way you treat someone that you claim to love, but I did, and everything was getting out of control.
He started getting really stressed out over this. His underarms starting dripping like faucets, and to top it off, he was throwing up every morning, and lost 15 lbs in a month. Yet, I still wouldn't let up. I saw what this was doing to him, and I really wanted to back off, but I couldn't help myself. 2500 minutes on the phone, every waking minute that we had, and he said that I was blind at not being able to see how he risked everything for me, turned his life around for me, and yet I still couldn't see all that he had done for me.
I don't know what I was thinking, except that I guess I got out of my mind. Mother's Day was a b***ch because WE started spending Sunday's together because of his crazy job, and when I couldn't see him because I knew that that day would be for her (and me, I'm a MOM, too)--why couldn't I get it? I was beyond getting reasoned with!
I didn't want him to spend one more day with her, and he knew how I felt, and we went over and over about it until we were all talked out. He would say, "I told you a million times already that I can't leave my girls." I wanted him, he wanted me, but why, he reasoned, couldn't we just let things be the way they were and let things happen naturally? But I just didn't want to wait anymore. So stupid, so stubborn I am. I loved him and I just felt that everything goes out the window where love is concerned. What a stupid romantic I am!
Essentially, I just started making him miserable. I couldn't let go of the idea of us being together, but I wasn't happy as long as he went home to his wife every night.
Then, everything blew up, but I guess I saw it coming. I told him something big was going to happen, that it had to happen. I sensed it, but I didn't know exactly what it was. He thought it was me telling him that I was going to tell his wife about us, but I was all talk. Although I would have loved to, I never would have. First, because that would mean that I would lose him, and I didn't want that, and second because then he would hate me. He meant too much to me for that. My threats were empty but he really believed me. Unfortunately, it made me feel powerful and in control. So wrong!!!!
I started not being able to sleep at night. I was up and wondering what he was doing. I was obsessing over and over again about him....was he making love to her I wondered? You can see how this sort of thinking could drive anybody crazy, right?
When I told him about this, he would say...what about you? Do you think about me when your a** is up in the air, bending over for your husband? Talking like this didn't get us anywhere, but it did get me to shut up about it. It was so unpleasant talking to each other like that.
Anyway, when my husband was working late this other night, I decided to call his cell phone at 11:30. I knew because of the way I was feeling that if he didn't answer, he would call me back, but that night I felt like such a troublemaker. I wanted her to be suspicious. I didn't want her to be his happy, trusting wife anymore!
Just as I thought, he called me but said, "Please let me call you tomorrow--this isn't a good time for me right now?" But I was just trouble, plain evil trouble. I said, "Why can't I call you when I am thinking about you? Why do I have to spare HER feelings?"
It was just too much for him. He said I drove him over the edge, and after I hung up, he felt that it was way out of control. He told his wife about us and now he is out of the house. Because he told her, he blames me and told me that I was a bad, manipulative bit** that finally pushed him over the edge.
Now he says that he is going to lose everything, that all this woman did for him was try to make life better for him, and now because he met me, he was going to lose his children, his life everything. He is soooo mad at me, and he told me it was the last time he was ever going to speak to me, and could I get that through my thick head...
I never heard him so angry. But now I am so incredibly sad. Before all of this, we were so happy. Everyday confidantes about any stupid thing throughout the day, and now he won't even take my phone calls and I am beside myself. He said it was over. I ruined his life.
I miss him. I want him back!