Going Out of My Mind

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Going Out of My Mind
4
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 2:25pm
I am truly going out of my mind. I fell in love with a great guy (married with 2 kids of course). I don't know what I was thinking that I could get him to leave his wife and children. I knew from the start that he was a family man, responsible, never even had the idea of having an affair until I started putting things into his head. This is why I feel like such a bad woman now. Of course, I always felt like this, but now I really feel worse.

He was hesitant at first, but after 2 months of intense flirting, we started a full blown affair. Over the course of the year, we got very close emotionally. 2500 minutes a month alone on our cell phones! Thank god for Sprint!

Over the course of our affair, when he would tell me that he felt very guilty, I told him that I did, too. But I was lying. I don't love my husband, all I wanted was him.

I told him I would never ask him to leave his family, but I was only lying to myself. I wanted him all to myself. One day I confronted him and I asked him if he loved his wife. He said he didn't, but he cared about what happened to her, but even this he answered with great hesitation because he stared accusing me of asking "loaded questions."

We got to know each other so well. He was so funny, so smart, such a great listener, a great friend, and lover. He knew everything about my son and daughter, and I knew everything about his daughters. Sometimes he even gave me parenting advice. He shared everything from cute things they said over the weekend to lost tooth pictures.

The only thing we avoided (or at least tried very hard to) was talking about our spouses. We both admitted that hearing about them made them real and thus stung too much.

The sex that we had was incredible. Of course, tell me what kind of sneaking around sex isn't?

Then I started wanted more. He told me if it wasn't for the fact that he had two kids (ages 5 and 7) that our affair would not have gone on as long as it had. That we would have been together. Ultimately, he would like for us to end up together, and at first I liked that he thought of us that way. His kids were just so young and as it was, because of the kind of job that he had (I used to be a co-worker, so I understood the kind of hours he worked) it was bad enough that he didn't see his kids as it was.

But he had all those weekends with him- and her! It bothered me so much.

This was enough for me for like a day. Then I would start in again. The pressure I put on him became unbearable. I just couldn't take the idea of his still sleeping with his wife while he was with me.

Anyway, we started making each other crazy because when I wouldn't get my way, I would get very angry and threaten to tell his wife everything. I was so jealous of her, and I still am. It appeared to me like she had everything that I wanted, and I wanted to ruin her damn illusion.

I know that this is not the way you treat someone that you claim to love, but I did, and everything was getting out of control.

He started getting really stressed out over this. His underarms starting dripping like faucets, and to top it off, he was throwing up every morning, and lost 15 lbs in a month. Yet, I still wouldn't let up. I saw what this was doing to him, and I really wanted to back off, but I couldn't help myself. 2500 minutes on the phone, every waking minute that we had, and he said that I was blind at not being able to see how he risked everything for me, turned his life around for me, and yet I still couldn't see all that he had done for me.

I don't know what I was thinking, except that I guess I got out of my mind. Mother's Day was a b***ch because WE started spending Sunday's together because of his crazy job, and when I couldn't see him because I knew that that day would be for her (and me, I'm a MOM, too)--why couldn't I get it? I was beyond getting reasoned with!

I didn't want him to spend one more day with her, and he knew how I felt, and we went over and over about it until we were all talked out. He would say, "I told you a million times already that I can't leave my girls." I wanted him, he wanted me, but why, he reasoned, couldn't we just let things be the way they were and let things happen naturally? But I just didn't want to wait anymore. So stupid, so stubborn I am. I loved him and I just felt that everything goes out the window where love is concerned. What a stupid romantic I am!

Essentially, I just started making him miserable. I couldn't let go of the idea of us being together, but I wasn't happy as long as he went home to his wife every night.

Then, everything blew up, but I guess I saw it coming. I told him something big was going to happen, that it had to happen. I sensed it, but I didn't know exactly what it was. He thought it was me telling him that I was going to tell his wife about us, but I was all talk. Although I would have loved to, I never would have. First, because that would mean that I would lose him, and I didn't want that, and second because then he would hate me. He meant too much to me for that. My threats were empty but he really believed me. Unfortunately, it made me feel powerful and in control. So wrong!!!!

I started not being able to sleep at night. I was up and wondering what he was doing. I was obsessing over and over again about him....was he making love to her I wondered? You can see how this sort of thinking could drive anybody crazy, right?

When I told him about this, he would say...what about you? Do you think about me when your a** is up in the air, bending over for your husband? Talking like this didn't get us anywhere, but it did get me to shut up about it. It was so unpleasant talking to each other like that.

Anyway, when my husband was working late this other night, I decided to call his cell phone at 11:30. I knew because of the way I was feeling that if he didn't answer, he would call me back, but that night I felt like such a troublemaker. I wanted her to be suspicious. I didn't want her to be his happy, trusting wife anymore!

Just as I thought, he called me but said, "Please let me call you tomorrow--this isn't a good time for me right now?" But I was just trouble, plain evil trouble. I said, "Why can't I call you when I am thinking about you? Why do I have to spare HER feelings?"

It was just too much for him. He said I drove him over the edge, and after I hung up, he felt that it was way out of control. He told his wife about us and now he is out of the house. Because he told her, he blames me and told me that I was a bad, manipulative bit** that finally pushed him over the edge.

Now he says that he is going to lose everything, that all this woman did for him was try to make life better for him, and now because he met me, he was going to lose his children, his life everything. He is soooo mad at me, and he told me it was the last time he was ever going to speak to me, and could I get that through my thick head...

I never heard him so angry. But now I am so incredibly sad. Before all of this, we were so happy. Everyday confidantes about any stupid thing throughout the day, and now he won't even take my phone calls and I am beside myself. He said it was over. I ruined his life.

I miss him. I want him back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 3:32pm
I came to this board because I KNOW THAT. I am a mess, and I said that I don't feel really good about myself. I know I need therapy. I actually used to laugh at women who acted like this, too.

Anyway, I decided that I am going to work on becoming a better person. I told my husband that I would like to begin attending church services so that we can become a Christian family. I want what you want--everything that is good in life.

I don't want to be shot down. I know the truth hurts, but that comment was cruel.

I am hurting, I deserve it, and now I am just trying to work through it.

I was already beginning to feel better, too. I was reading the posts and some were speaking about how there really isn't any closure that you can get from this. Please don't knock me when I'm down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 3:46pm
Dear Uffdanada:

OW-ch!!! I am a single/divorced OW and I have to tell you my first reaction to your story was. . .You are not "in love"...You are obsessed and possessed (by some kind of demon!). NEVER could I wish/choose to hurt his wife. NEVER could I be the cause of pain to this MM who I "LOVE" so deeply and honestly.

Yes! It hurts that I have put myself in the position of being the OW. . .and I choose to keep things the way they are. I feel 100% confident that my MM loves me incredibly much. . .HOWEVER my love for him is stronger than my desire to force changes in his life just to be with me completely. This is what I feel to be true love. . .Best Friend Love!

I wish to God that you can resolve your wrong actions and just let this guy GO. For your sake and the sole sake of your own children. Let him go and work on your own confused heart and mind.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you. . .For strength to choose rightness. . .For strength to be an upright woman of truth. Hang in there.

Carol

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 4:32pm
First, let me say that I totally can relate to the pain you are feeling right now, and I wish I could could send a Big hug through the computer. Here ya go: ((((BIG HUG)))) :)

I hear you blaming yourself for "putting ideas into his head about the affair", and you know what? He is a big boy, and he had every choice in the matter. You are not, nor have you EVER BEEN a "Bad Woman". You are "fearfully and wonderfully made... I know that full well" (Psalms 139:14). Do not let yourself be attacked by such negative thoughts, you ARE wonderfully made!

I know it is incredibly painful to lose someone you were so close with... it can feel as though someone you loved died, and in a metaphoric way, that's true. Now that the A is out into the open, it will not ever be the same. What concerns me is hearing you say that you are sorry now that you pushed him to the point of telling his wife. You shouldn't be. Do you think it could have gone on forever? It's better for him to tell his W then for all the other ways she could have found out. YOU ALONE are NOT to blame, you each had your own part in it, and ultimately HE was the one who decided to spill it. Throughout your post you shoulder a lot of blame and a lot of guilt. I saw in the other post that you want to go back to church, so I'm assuming you are (or want to be)a Christian? Ask God's forgiveness, with a sincere heart, for your participation in the affair. He WILL forgive you; He loves you and wants you to be in fellowship with Him. After that, ask DH's forgiveness, which will take time, as well as forgiving yourself will. You cannot beat yourself up anyore than you already have. It's time to look past the guilt and shame and figure out what you need to do, both for you and your family. I know it's no fun, but what XOM/MM does from this point cannot be your concern. You need to figure out where to go from here for you. That's a tall enough order for now. (((MORE HUGS))) to you, Let me know if I can do anything to help!

~Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 05-25-2003 - 2:19pm
If you're still here, uffdanada,

As I finished reading your intial post my reaction was:"you don't deserve him".

Whatever it is inside you consuming you to exert such controlling behavior to ignore the pleadings of your xMM, I sincerely hope you find the solution in therapy SOON.

And I also hope xMM doesn't turn the tables on you and call your husband....because you surely seem to be headed towards being all alone if he does.


cl-nre


P.S. I doubt you will ever have a chance at a life with xMM. Accept this and move on...