Good advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Good advice
1
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:33pm
While trying to keep my mind occupied one day, i was going thru the message boards and reading posts from others, when i came upon this one. It's by doubleblade and is a response to a post of "My so called "friendship" in the 'Living Single - 30 and Up board'.

I'd like to share it with our board b/c i can relate to much of wat doubleblade has said and i think alot of you can too (i hope i don't get in trouble for bringing this post over here...lol).



re: My so called "friendship"

message #: 9634.3 in response to 9634.1

from: doubleblade

date: May-11 11:42 am

replies: 4



It's pretty simple...both of you are adrift in personal seas of doubt, fear, confusion, anxiety, resentment, frustration, and anger.

All that you've sacrificed, worked for and planned on is now "eliminated" as a possibility.

So, while you're still sorting yourselves out as to what you want, what you stand for, wehre you're headed and how you're going to get there....feelings and facts are quite skewered, intertwined, and relied upon without objectivity.

So basically - whenever he's wanting "positive feelings" he flirts and fantasizes and engages in some physical activity with you.

But he's not doing that "for a future" based on him knowing who he is as an individual, and what he wants out of life. He's doing that becuase it feels good and is an option - in this sea of doubt, insecurity, resentment, fear, anger, and anxiety that is "his life".

You're doing the same.

Every time that you press for physical interaction that indicates a "status" by his definition or emotional association....he retreats. He's not wanting a relationship -which is a huge job.

And he's realizing that you're getting more emotionally attached to the "idea of him in your life" with each physical encounter and flirtatious exchange.

But he also realizes that he is NOT emotionally bonding in the "wat I want out of life with YOU" in his head. He's sorting out what he wants in life, and you're available and agreeable at this time to meet his needs, per his standards, and via his methods.

He can easily see where your emotional association and attachment to him "to secure a future" due to your state of emotional upheaval which matches his own...could turn this "friends with potential benefits" into a JOB of a relationship. Where he'd have to compromise his needs for yours appropriately, and consider you and your needs/feelings at all time when pursuing his life. HE doesn't want that.

So, if you're wanting to have a friendship that has benefits attached, without obligation as to get romantic, or even consider yourselves a couple...basically, if in front of the world you two are pals..and behind closed doors you're lovers without romantic attachment in the emotional sense....he's for that.

But he can see that you're incapable of that.....so when he overwhelmingly wants/needs to "feel positive' he flirts and pursues limited physical contact. And when he's thinking more clearly - he realizes "don't do this because she wants more and is going to develop feelings which are going to create havoc when I want to move on past this "benefits" portion and find someone I want to have a relationship with".

If you're saying that 'friends don't kiss" - realize that is YOUR standard, not his. If you kissed him because he initiated assuming that more than friendship was involved at that time....you're now fully aware that it is not. So if "friends don't kiss" and that is your standards...adhere to it by not flirting with or kissing him.

Share whaever intrests you two share...realize that you've been a shoulder to cry on that has the association of comfort and convenience for one another..and that most likely this friendship is nothing but attraction/emotionally need based at the core.

Meaning, as you emerge into complete, independent, secure, successful, happy individuals - you may or may not find out that you admire, respect, trust, and accept this person for who they are vs. "wat they represented and offered at the time you needed it most".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com





iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: patches_4me
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 3:59pm
I've read a few posts by doubleblade (Erin). She's one smart cookie! :-)