Good News!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2009
Good News!
2
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 3:54pm

Hi Everyone!

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Just wanted to post a little tidbit - not anything earth-shattering, but something that kind of took me a little by surprise.

I am presently at 4 months NC with xAP and, while I can't say I've reached indifference yet, I realize the time and energy I spend on thinking about him has changed. During and since the A, I've had to fight constant thoughts of my xAP and the A and everything that happened. I would wake up thinking about him, go to sleep thinking about him, and spend all the hours in-between thinking about him! But recently, and without effort, while I'm thinking about my him, my thoughts involuntarily! change to something else! I'm sitting wallowing in some A memory and then the next thing I know I'm wondering about what I should make for dinner! Five years of non-stop thought consumption about one human being and my focus is changing to choosing between chicken and pork!!!! :)

So, I strongly encourage NC (LC did not work for me - it just turned our A into a push/pull, catch/release game. I couldn't take it anymore and actually resigned from my job (my xAP was my boss), but before the rest of the company was notified about my decision, he quit. I'm not sure if he did this out of chivalry or cowardness, but it provided the opportunity for NC that was necessary for both of us to end the A. (That's not to say that LC can't work or shouldn't be exercised, it's just the NC opportunity came along and has worked for me.)

I'm writing this to tell you I am no stronger than anyone else here - that I continue to struggle daily and I know this experience is one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through. But with NC/LC, time and a lot of soul-searching, I truly believe thoughts and emotions become more manageable and the fog truly does start lifting. So hang in there with me - it WILL get better!

Hugs,
HLS :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
In reply to: hooklinesinker
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 4:00pm

Thank you HLS for the encouraging news!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2009
In reply to: hooklinesinker
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 7:49am

Hi Momwhosings,

I hope you made it to the grocery store and bought a whole cart full of goodies!! :)

I don't know how long it takes to get over an A. I'm sure it's different for everyone and depends on the actions taken to let go. I know I'm fooling myself if I think it is something I will completely forget about (nor should I), but I will use whatever I have left of it to heal and move on. (The bad memories will help me to never want to be part of anything like that again and the good memories will help me to forgive him - and myself.)

As far as your xAP asking for time to work on his marriage or choose you - he may need it, but you don't. You have no need to wait around to see what he wants to do with his life - or yours! His feelings really don't matter. YOU are the one in control of how your life goes and you should use the power you already have to let go of this very damaging situation. I understand that it is so hard... it seems if you could work things out with him everything would be okay. But you are worth first place - not something that might be first place someday. I know letting go is painful, but I promise it is the ONLY option that will allow those bad feelings to end for good. And then, magically, you will find out that rather than not being good enough for him, you are way TOO good for him (and this situation)!!! :)

It sounds like you've really been through a lot. I'm sorry for all the stress and sadness you're experiencing. We are all going through it and we're all here for you.

Hugs, strength and clarity coming your way!
HLS :)