good night - bad night

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
good night - bad night
5
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 7:21pm
seems like everytime I have a good night and talk about it - a BAD night follows soon thereafter and I feel like I fool for making it seem like I'm doing so good - when I'm APPARENTLY not! :(

I've been trying to get through to exMM today - sent him an email and a voicemail - neither did he respond to. Even though I keep trying with him - like... asking him why he's turned his back on me like this - it's like he is saying he doesn't care - and I think "did he ever?" if he doesn't care about me now - did he ever!? :(

I understand if he is trying to move on - and yet - how can he just IGNORE me - it kills me - I can't imagine doing that to someone I claimed to care about! Atleast pick up the phone and say "I'm sorry - I do care about you - but..." and then just tell me if he feels like he has to stay away - not that I'll like it but... atleast be considerate enough to respond to me! :(

This sucks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 8:06pm
It could be that for him to end it, he has to go full on cold-turkey NC. It hurts I know but if you love him, truly love him, you have to let him go and do it his way. Don't interpret and beat yourself up with it ("he never loved me - this proves it") instead focus on the facts -- an affair is truly a bad thing. Oh good can come from it, but when one party is committed to someone else, sneaking out is just plain bad. If you love this man and he needs to end it, you might find some peace in loving him enough to let him go.

I found this passage somewhere, maybe here in the past when I was left by someone I love - I hope it helps you too.

Words of Hope

To be left by someone we love is to experience a break in the heart's flow. To be left is to endure unanswered questions, to feel fear, anger, rejection, grief. It is life in the passive tense: we did not leave — we were left.

Spiritual separation, when the bond of two spirits has been severed by someone else's choice, hurts badly. Where is the hope? How do we go on? At its most painful, being left even brings the question, "Do I want to go on?" Once we answer yes to this, we can start to heal. We can choose to accept what is. We can find our way with the help of God's grace and the support of people who love us and want us in their lives.

To yield to someone's wish to end a relationship is an act of respect. To want the best for someone, even when it means enduring our own loss, is an act of love.



Honestly grieving the loss of someone is a sign that I am already beginning to heal."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 8:10pm
he there ldesma--

Consider looking at his lack of response another way...maybe he is trying to maintain NC to help himself get over you and the A. Could that be possible? It is so much easier for us when we maintain NC; perhaps he knows that and so, for the sake of his own sanity in getting over the A, has decided not to respond to your attempts at contact. We hear all the time from fellow posters who are COMPLETELY ignoring their XMMs despite repeated attempts to contact them. So isn't it possible that your XMM is no different than any of us?

Different people cope in different ways. This may be the only way this guy is keeping his emotions in check. You need to worry about YOU, not about him. Try your best to move on. It is hard, but possible, and it's the best thing in the long run. Now it's YOUR turn to be the one to

You are doing fine because you are here posting! Everyone has set backs -- just pick yourself up and have a better day tomorrow :-)

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 8:18pm
Fool - thank you so much for the "words of hope" it was helpful and I'm gonna print it off right now and keep it handy because it was powerful! :)

I was afraid people would reply and rip into me - but your reply was compassionate and I can't thank you enough for that!

God's best to you!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 8:24pm
Thank you to you as well Meg! For the kind words and words of encouragement! :)

I'd like to think it's his way of coping and yet it does hurt to think he wants to move past me - but on my GOOD nights I'm well aware of WHY it's a good idea... just seem to forget on these bad nights! :( LOL

Anyway - you are right - it's time to worry about me and keep posting on the "ending" board and not put myself back on the previous board!

Getting through days and nights like these ARE what have made me stronger - I just hate that I have to go through them! :( LOL

Thanks again and I hope I can be here for you when(if) you need it! XO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 8:35pm

"how can he just IGNORE me "


He does it because it is No Contact in full. No Contact means no further communication.


It has nothing to do with the emotions that come from doing what needs to be done to create space, ending and forward movement in another direction.


No Contact means No Response.


Please try to accept and move on without any further presumption of motivation of your former MM.