Good vs Right
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Good vs Right
| Thu, 07-08-2010 - 3:39pm |
I am seeking personal input or direction to threads from the Healing Library to help me decide if I should tell my H about my affair. It has almost been 5 weeks of NC and so far, xAP's wife has not gone to my husband, but the thought she might still lurks in the back of my mind.
My T and two friends who know my situation tell me it is best to put the A behind me and try to heal my marriage and focus on my H.
In reading some threads here and also online, others have said that absolute honesty is best.
I am wrestling with good vs right. For the 'good' of the marriage perhaps it is best not to disclose it. But right is right, wrong is wrong and perhaps I should tell my husband about the A.
I'm still trying to figure out why I allowed an A to happen, and still have a lot of personal issues to work on. Do I get myself in a better place/figured out first before telling my H if that is what I seek to do?
Thanks.
My T and two friends who know my situation tell me it is best to put the A behind me and try to heal my marriage and focus on my H.
In reading some threads here and also online, others have said that absolute honesty is best.
I am wrestling with good vs right. For the 'good' of the marriage perhaps it is best not to disclose it. But right is right, wrong is wrong and perhaps I should tell my husband about the A.
I'm still trying to figure out why I allowed an A to happen, and still have a lot of personal issues to work on. Do I get myself in a better place/figured out first before telling my H if that is what I seek to do?
Thanks.

I had to tell my H in order to END the A. (EXap would not accept it was over) If i had not have been "forced" to tell my H about the A, i dont know that i would have....yet. But i do know now that i am SO glad that it turned out this way and I did tell my H. I think i would feel like i was still somehow a part of the A because the lie continues
Hi MF,
I like your pic but really liked the one you had up before beautiful lady.
While it is better for BS to hear the news from you as opposed to a third party, you have a lot to consider before coming to a conclusion.
I’ve had a D-day and have together with DH rebuilt our M and we are three years out from D-day. It’s interesting that I was recently posting in another forum about the topic of D-days and since DH knows I post here and around IV, threads often spark covos. between us that we might not otherwise have an opportunity to discuss.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Moving,
you've not been out of the A very long. I would strongly suggest that you heal a little more from the A-ending before you tackle dealing with whether or not to tell H about the A -- and IF you tell, then the resulting Atom Bomb that will go off in your M. You have the luxury of time, really. You've not had a D-day, and if you choose to have one, it should be a decision that you've considered very, very carefully and with the benefit of a clear head. You're not there yet.
Personally, I have decided to not tell. I know my H and I know he would not want to know. All of the problems we have, we had before the A. And all of the problems that got me into the A are MINE, irrespective of the M and its problems. I can work on MY problems and I can work on fixing my M - without destroying my H to do it.
God bless you and help you with this very personal and serious decision.
xo
Dee
Thank you all for the posts so far and E1 thank you for the picture compliment. I wasn't sure what kind of picture I should post, still thinking about if it is okay to have a 'real' pic of myself on the site.
E1, you are right, I am being consumed with guilt, and yes it was an EA, not a PA situation. There was sort of a D-day before. There was a stop/start to the A in the first few months and xAP's wife found out about the texting so she called my H, twice. He defended me and told me about the phone calls. I admitted to the texting, but he never asked anything more about it. Later, when I think guilt consumed me then, and after we had stopped seeing each other, I told my H xAP's wife was right, there were feelings behind the texting, and not just work related. My H asked if I had slept with xAP and I hadn't then, and never did. I was prepared to answer any other questions and H never asked anything else. He said said he could understand how I could be attracted to xAP and left it at that. Then the A picked up again a couple of months later. I never hid the affair, I know that doesn't sound right, but I would email publicly and also text in front of my H. He never asked who I was texting and I also charged my phone on my desk in plain sight. He could have looked at my phone anytime. My T says on some level my H knows I had an A again, but perhaps didn't want to know. The span of time for the A was two years.
Guilt is probably not the best reason to tell my husband. My T says I should be the one to carry the burden and not hurt my H by telling him. She says it might make me feel better, but would terribly hurt my H. In doing a lot of reading here, followed a link by Dr. Michael G Millett who does relationship therapy and I fit the 'runaway' characteristic's to a T because of an inappropriate relationship with my dad (not sexual), but my dad lived through me and and used me through role reversal where I became the parent to him during my teen years. This continued until he died about three years ago. I'm not too keen about opening up my childhood past, but perhaps I need to in order to move forward in my life.
And Dee is right too, I'm still raw only being 5 weeks into NC and haven't seen my T lately because her the summer schedule with my kids and her vacation time. I was 'checked' out of my M long before I hooked up with my xAP. Most of the problems were and are mine, but it takes two to make a marriage work. Perhaps couples therapy is also needed down the road.
Seek, I do understand your statement about the lies continuing if you had kept the A to yourself, but like you said, you had had to tell H in order to end the A.
Again thanks.
MovingON
You are getting some good advice, I think.
I have been on the BS side of the A, several times. It is the worst thing I can think of. The last time was so bad, I think I had a breakdown. I ended up in emergency, and had to be medicated. I couldn't go to work for two weeks.
I am a strong individual. Looking back I still can't believe how I reacted. No one realizes what stress will bring on to you. Each time I reacted differently.
Now after all these years, I have changed sides of the A. I am proud today is 12 weeks NC.
My W suspects, has actually accused, and I believe KNOWS, but I have denied, denied and denied. I have no intention of ever confirming anything. My idea is, Why put her through pain she doesn't have to have? I do still love her in my own way. We can never go back to that young love we had as teenagers.
Now I can't believe how I have acted during the last 18 months. When people talk about "fog" I know exactly what they are saying. It reminds me of when I was being medicated. FOG!!!
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
RBM,
Thank you for sharing your perspective.
CSN,
I am in a similar situation as you. In 25 years of marriage we too have talked about A's and my H holds the same position as your H. There is zero tolerance for an A and our marriage would be over, no discussion. I would worry about our two youngest children and that is why I'm on the fence about total disclosure, and as I said before, guilt is also a factor on my part, but not the reason to disclose as I'm reading and learning about.
Since we had a partial D-day before (I told him about feelings for xAP and texting and all he wanted to know if I had slept with the xAP and didn't, so nothing else was said and hasn't been in almost 2 years), I'm not sure how H would react now? The A started up again after a few months, and emotionally it was more intense, a lot more feelings evolved and some physical intimacy, but still no sex. xAP's wife knows of this because I answered her questions truthfully and to date (5 weeks of NC) has not gone to my husband. Of course that could be a ticking time bomb. And I'm sure RB is right, especially since he presents a MPOV, that I would not get credit for honesty.
So, I guess I continue to think about it, work on the guilt, work on my personal issues and try to put my life back together after two years of investing toooo much time in an A. It's hard because I so much want to talk about this with my H because we have always shared before.
Thanks again,
MO at 50!
MovingON
moving,
our situations with our Hs actually sound pretty similar. texting, emailing in front of him. when i told him, he said he knew and i KNEW he did all along. Funny thing was my marraige started "working" in the last few months before i told my husband but