Got a surprise; now I'm lost again....
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Got a surprise; now I'm lost again....
| Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:32am |
A brief history; my wife of 21 yrs. had what I was told, a brief emotional A back in Oct. '03, I found out about it, and she assured me it was over. The following March, I began a physical A with a MW 14 yrs. younger than me, who was in a bad M. After being discovered, we ended the A last month, but neither of us wanted to. We did it for the sake of my M. As part of the "rebuilding process," my DW and I went to a marriage counselor. He asked my wife when she ended her EA, and she told him in March of '04. My jaw nearly hit the floor! Here I thought it was over way back in Oct., when in reality, it went on for another 5 months. Believe me, I know how hard it is to stop an A. The OW and I tried on 3 separate occasions to stop, and couldn't (we have now.) But what really bothers me is after I poured my soul out to my wife regarding the details of my A, the fact that she didn't disclose her transgressions to me until the counselor pried it out of her is awfully hard for me to get over. I nearly called the OW last night. I felt like I needed her love and support. It seems that this rebuilding process means 4 steps forward, and 5 steps back. In some ways I wish I didn't love my wife and kids so much; then it would be easy to walk away and start a new life with the OW, whom I also love. When will this get better? I'm sorry if I sound like a ranting lunatic, but I am not in a good state of mind right now. Not sure what to do....

My situation is much like yours H had a EA when we had only been married for 5 years. From that point on things were never the same emotioanlly/physically between us. I had my own afair 7 years later (2 months NC)It wasn't until he found out about mine that many details about what happened with his EA came out. One of them was like yours that it went on for much longer. And many other painful things that I wish he never said. All of this came out after I started NC and that has been hard because MM was always there for me.. I can only imagine the shock and hurt you must have felt when she said that at your session.
Not sure what to say.. Just do what is right in your heart..
Lost
Edited 9/22/2004 1:36 pm ET ET by lostnhim
Thanks for sharing your similar story. It sucks, doesn't it? I honestly don't believe I ever would have started my A if my W hadn't hurt me with her EA. Yet, I know that alone didn't give me the right to do something that I knew was wrong. When I found out that she hadn't been honest with me even after I confessed everything...well you can understand my pain and frustration.
You advised:
"Not sure what to say.. Just do what is right in your heart...."
The MW also said to me, "Be true to yourself."
The problem with that advice is when you are in this state of mind, you CAN'T "be true to yourself," or "do what is right in your heart." Logic and reason tells you to stay with woman you have loved for 20+ years, and continue raising your family. Yet the heart tells you to pursue this beautiful, exciting, young woman who loves you, and reignites the passion in your life.
Either choice you make...you lose.
I hate it.
Perhaps. But you will need to figure out which choice will cause the biggest loss.
I can certainly understand how pissed off and hurt you must be at your W for keeping things from you about the end of her A. It is really good that you are both in counseling; hopefully that will help you work through this anger. HOWEVER -- the anger you feel at your wife is (or should be) something totally separate from your feelings for OW. In fact, if anything, now is a time that you should work *extra hard* to distance yourself from the OW, so that your feelings for her are not muddying up the big picture. Otherwise it will be too easy to use your wife's confession as an excuse for an "easy out" so you can go off and be with OW.
But if you go through counseling and work with your wife to rebuild, and still ultimately you are so angry that you cannot overcome or forgive your W, then you end the marriage for those reasons, and you'll know that you really gave saving the marriage your best shot, with all the integrity you could muster. Then and only then, look up the OW, and you can do so with a clear conscience. BUT, something to keep in mind -- I'm sure you know the statistics and the odds against a relationship with the OW working out in the long run, if you were to leave your M for her.
Good luck, and hang in there!!!
{{Hugs to you}}
Lost
Edited 9/22/2004 3:22 pm ET ET by lostnhim
Here is some food for thought - just something to think about.
You know how hard it is to stop an affair since you are there and want to lean on your OW.
Your wife DID end the affair - and maybe she didn't tell you about the next 5 months because she didn't want to hurt you. Maybe she was struggling and failing at ending it and only finally found the strength much later than she intended.
It is so much harder to stop than I ever thought!
Maybe, she, like me, didn't want to hurt you more by telling you AFTER her A was over anyway. I hope my H never finds out. I am seeing a therapist alone now that we both will see later. I told her that I did not intend to tell my H about my A because I feel strongly that when I am moving on and it is over I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily AS LONG AS we are working things out.
SO, I can understand why you are hurt. Of course it must have been a total shock! And I'm sure you are angry. Maybe she had reasons for not telling you that right or wrong, she felt were for good reasons at the time.
One thing about the passion and love for your OW - if you've only been together since March, it is all still new and very exciting. Will your kids ever forgive you if you left for the OW? Will they side with your wife? Do you have daughters? They will understand less I believe and it could really hurt your relationship with them. Some stuff you can keep the kids out of BUT when you leave your wife for the OW, the details will get to your kids eventually. And I'm sure you and your wife don't want to drag them through all of your problems and affairs and who wronged whom first etc. Some things the kids do NOT need to know. And sometimes adults involve the kids to hurt the spouse and the kids are the one left wondering who to trust. I'm not passing judgement, just letting you know of the possibilities from a neutral point of view (and that of a daughter).
I am in the process of ending my A and my biggest motivation is never wanting my kids to find out. Again - these are just my immediate reactions and things to think about - I don't know you or your situation and I don't want to insult you with my honest opinion.
If you do leave W for OW - just make sure you are VERY sure of that being the best thing and you won't regret your decision.
Good luck! Wishing you strength!
-lazyone
My male comments:
I start with your own words:
"In some ways I wish I didn't love my wife and kids so much; then it would be easy to walk away and start a new life with the OW, whom I also love."
Knowing you love your wife and kids more than OW, I suggest you stay your course, not contact the xOW and face your pain. The pains of current conflict will pass if BOTH of you (you and your wife) choose from this point forward to be honest and respectful of one another in order to change from the old life you shared that each of you used as an excuse to look outside the marriage for relief.
My first marriage ended for several reasons, and the lack of compromise was at the head of the list.
My current marriage (to my last OW) has been wonderful. I have never felt an urge to start another affair (and I had had 17 years' worth in the past). First and foremost we talk to one another and speak honestly and respectfully. You can read more about my past in the archives of this board (Nov 2002 forward)
Your pain will pass.....keep going to counseling together and let the love you feel for your wife and kids give you the courage to face and solve the problems of your marriage.