Greener pastures?
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| Mon, 12-06-2004 - 11:06am |
Greetings,
I'm a 52 yr old man who is being put out to pasture after a 14 year A with a MW. I'm the OM. She's a few years older than me, and we met at work like many of you.
Briefly: I was divorced in 1988, and started working closely with this MW around 1990. It was then I noticed how cool she was and how much I dug being near her. We started the "harmless" office flirting dance after a few months, began kissing in 1993, and became lovers in 1994 (yes, I was/am friends with H). We just spent last summer having no IC--guilt issue, she said. While her guilt has come and gone over the years, I always waited for her to work thru it, and when she did all was okay again. And like many of you, we had our tiffs & minor splits over the 14 years, but I ALWAYS assumed they were temporary and we'd go thru our lives as lovers--we just would.
Since last summer's no IC and as it continues, we have drifted too far from each other, at least for my level of comfort and emotional well being. She seems fine with the no IC, the break, the "friends" idea, but I'm not. And truthfully, she has done a few rather "unfriendly" things in the past 6 months (nothing major that any "outsiders" can see, but after this many years with a person, you know when you are being dogged on).
After getting dogged on for what I considered an inexcusable reason, not to mention the last straw, we have stopped e-mailing and have stopped talking. Generic story, huh? If this were like the past tiffs, we would start seeing each other, but this has a different feel.
I feel so wronged and dumped I have decided that I have to stop seeing her. In the past, I have always felt loved and appreciated by her; for the past 6 months I have mostly felt "tolerated," if you know what I mean. Maybe the NC was her way of beginning the process. Okay. But jeeze, it's painful. But you know what? The most painful part is not that I feel like I'm being pushed away (which hurts in immeasurable ways I'm sure you all know so well), but that I have to stop seeing her to be myself again. And without her in my life, I don't know how to be myself exactly. Does that make sense?
I have started weekly sessions with a Ph.D--I figured I needed some "heavier medicine" than I could get from a counselor. I don't know where this path will take me, but I can tell you I'm feeling pretty nervous, anxious, ambivalent, sad & lonely.
I always thought I'd be with this MW forever, and after 14 years with her I have a little more than a few "emotions" invested in our relationship.
I don't know. I'm sad again. I was only going to post a short introduction, but I carried on quite more than I thought. Thanks for listening. Any idea how long this will hurt?
--Leviguy
Edited 12/6/2004 2:00 pm ET ET by leviguy

Leviguy: Yes, I know what you mean when you say you can't be around her to be yourself yet you don't know who you are without her -- and my A only lasted 6 months. The friendship, the feelings of being special, of seeing someone light up when you walked into a room, the intensity of an A are all very powerful emotions. I realized that when things happened in my life -- good or bad -- I didn't know who to call once I couldn't call him. It was weird not knowing what was going on in his life. The first few months, I thought of him constantly. I remember having a day where I realized that I hadn't thought of him in a few hours and it was such a relief. You are who you are because of your life's experiences -- and she was a major part of your life. Now you have to put one foot in front of the other every day to find out who you'll be tomorrow, 2 months, 6 months, 2 years from now.
The boards were a god-send to me when it first ended but I promise, you'll make it through this.
Hi LG,
I am so sorry for what has happened, but I know because of who you are, you are going to come out of this stronger then ever. There is no set time schedule and because you were with MW for so long I imagine that it will take some time, a lot of changes and yes even some anger, towards her and towards the situation. With the holidays coming up I know it will be difficult but I also know that you will be busy, are the kids coming home for the holiday?
Hang in there and email me when you need someone to talk to, you were always there for me. Sending you big hugs and know that I am thinking about you.
DAF
Hello LG. While I can empathize with you over the loss of friendship with your OW, I wonder how you feel/felt about your "friend", OW's husband, knowing you were doing his wife for so many years without his knowledge. What about that lost friendship? Do you miss it too? Do you keep in contact with him? If so, another wrinkle to juggle....
From my male perspective, I've noticed over the 17 years I was in long term affairs that the women wanted more from me than just a part-time availability. Couldn't do it since I was married. What about you and your married gal?
As you're talking with your counselor, Ph.D. or otherwise, I suggest you explore your motivations for having a long term relationship with someone not entirely available to you for a fully committed relationship. I'm 50, you're 52. Doing the math means your divorce went through at age 38. Seems to me you may have been severely burned by the divorce and chose the "safe" route of a part-time married woman rather than a single gal. With your counselor you may be able to pinpoint what you need for yourself as companionship and how to meet your needs now that the marreid woman has closed her door....
In the meantime, let go of whatever MM did or didn't do that pushed you to your decision to end the affair and look forward to the future. What's done is done and tomorrow's a fresh day.....
cl-nre
Dude,
Nice introduction, nre. The second I read your,
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I knew there was a judgment coming. Your implication that I never, in 14 years, thought about her H is so presumptuous that it’s insulting. It's a safe bet that most everyone involved in an A often thinks about the effect on the other spouse and their M--it’s a dark side of having an A and it’s doesn’t take a genius to understand those thoughts wax & wane. (Maybe some ultra self-centered person never felt the self loathing that creeps into one’s thoughts late at night or while driving, but I don’t imagine that’s the personality/character of those who post here and are working their way thru the separation process.) There’s plenty of guilt to go around without having it pointed out by the CL. Never mind your digression, the point of my post was to begin the process of separating myself from her, not H, okay?
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The fact that you couldn’t pony up has nothing to do with me--why are you telling me this? I was 100% available to my MW (singular, btw)--I was the other man--and after some months’ time we figured out how to spend plenty of time together. It was more than enuf to keep me happy & committed. To be with her meant waiting sometimes--not a breaking news story for anyone who’s been there.
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I feel better now...
Lookit, I didn't post here to engage a debate, moral or factual. I found the tone and the direction of your reply sanctimonious and trivializing. Steer clear of anything I may post in the future, beginning with this note.
--LG
Hiya Leviguy,
Welcome to the board - Sad that you've had to find us, but glad you have if you need us.
My credentials, if you like, are that I was married, separated from DH in order to have a nearly 4yr EMA which produced my now 2yr old daughter and which EMA ended in January of this year only for me to have an enormous backslide in May of this year. The true ending of my affair was in May this year so I am now proudly wielding my 6mos chip. DH & I are rebuilding our marriage from bottom to top and together we are happily raising my daughter as a family.
More than anything, I "hear" your pain, Leviguy. It's something that all of us here have experienced or are currently experiencing regardless of duration of EMA or number of EMA's. We have that in common and it is not uncommon for some rather stark & painful truths to be revealed here, whether in the confessing or in asking or even by someone (often me) playing devil's advocate.
We uphold one another, uplift where we can, brandish what some affectionately term the "No Contact" Stick, but I can't think of a single time that I've visited these boards that I have not come away with something useful for me to ponder, consider and mull over with regard to my own situation. Not all of it is pleasant, not all of it will pertain to me or my circumstances, and not all of it will be something with which I agree, but if I'm open enough to it there is nothing here from which I cannot learn.
Know that this *is* a support board and that there are many types of support. Some of us are comfortable with the cyber-huggie-kissie there-there's whilst others are more the type of support a close friend would give you in being willing to tell you flat out, "Yep, your arse looks big in that get-up." To my mind there is a great deal of merit in both kinds of support.
Time, self-awareness and self-knowledge are going to be the most useful tools in your recovery kit. You'll find that therapy/counselling is a great way to begin to move forward and begin to make some sense of everything. It's been enormously beneficial to me and I thoroughly recommend it.
As for your question in your opening post regarding `how long this will hurt,' it's really the `piece of string' answer. We're all different, we all heal/recover at our own speeds. Acquaint yourself with the Stages of Grief because you can expect to experience all of them in glorious technicolour with or without benefit of dolby speakers in surround-sound. You may experience some of the stages simultaneously, you may skip one only to hit it at a different time. Here's a fairly good layman's terms link for what you can expect:- http://www.couplescompany.com/Features/Grief/Denial.htm
Just as there is no clear cut demarkation for the exact stage of grief you are visiting, be aware that there is no timetable or schedule for when the pain eases or lessens. Often it's such a gradual change that you fail to notice much until you realise you didn't think of your ex affair partner for the duration of an entire telly programme or similar.
My personal theory is that we heal quicker and far more effectively when we begin to deal with the core issues surrounding the reasons we entered into our EMA's in the first place. When we identify the void we perceived our ex affair partners were filling for us and learn how to wield the tools in order to begin filling that void, we're well and truly on our way towards recovery/healing. If I'm right, then your decision to undertake therapy will only facilitate this.
Spend some time looking through the posts both current and archived, there is much knowledge and wisdom here if you take a little trouble to find it. The search facility is basic but fairly effective. You'll find a great deal of pain & sorrow, but you'll also see much triumph and joy, too. You're not alone, Leviguy, you're amongst friends, some of whom will tell you your arse is big from time to time... ;)
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Posie,
Thanks. Your second-to-last paragraph? Well said, and as I've often thought: it's the singer, not the song. Anyway, I appreciate your demeanor and decorum. I'm not opposed to learning difficult lessons, nor do I believe it'll be an easy journey. I don't know what to expect, to tell you the truth, but I'm open to where ever this goes. Today my fear is working on this--and assorted core issues--for years and then getting a phone call from her and melting away. If I'm going to have to go thru the separation physically & emotionally, I don't want to backslide.
Thanks again for the offer of support.
--LG
Hiya Leviguy,
Amongst other things, I am a singer and bass player. To quote Zep out of context, "The Song Remains The Same," there are simply differing delivery styles. I'm actually one of the non-huggie-kissie types in case you hadn't noticed. You can expect some tough questions from me at some stage. He11, now's as good a time as any, right?
Ask yourself this question:- What is it about this woman that helps me to feel good about myself?
The answer to this gives you the key, or one of the keys, to your healing process.
As for backsliding, well, you have and in reality have always had control over your own actions. If you choose not to backslide, you won't. You will melt only if you choose to do so and only if you permit the opportunity of exMW contacting you.
If your specific fear is in receiving a phone call, text message, IM, or email from exMW, then these are things you can very easily avoid. Change phone numbers or contact your phone provider and request blocking her known numbers; cell phone sim cards are easily changed and their phone numbers along with it; block her known email addresses; delete her IM user names & change your own user name to one with which she will not be familiar.
It's hard hearing it whether or not you are hurting, but nothing has been done to you that you have not permitted, enabled and encouraged. The buck really does stop with you. You are the Captain of your very own ship, Leviguy. Your ship will sail to the exact co ordinates you dictate, so plot your course wisely.
Know also that there are few of us here who haven't made heaps big mistakes along our journies towards healing & recovery. You aren't judged here, poppet, but just as it takes a thief to catch one, you cannot often kid a kidder. They say that smart people learn from their mistakes and that smarter ones learn from others' mistakes.
You have a tough road ahead of you. Some of us are behind you, some at the same starting point, some are ahead of you and some are healing nicely and offering support (in many different guises) to those still struggling on their own paths. If you'll let us, we'll point out the obvious & not so obvious road hazards. We have your back, if you'll let us, Leviguy.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
LG: points taken.....
However,
Nothing in your reply addresses why you chose to stay 14 years with a woman not fully available to you.
As Posie pointed out to you, YOU are the only one who determines how long you hurt after ending your affair. YOU are the one who made the choices to stay as long as you did at that emotionally stunted place in life. YOU are the only one who knows whats inside yourself and what you need to do to move on to another relationship with a fully available person.
As much offense as you may have inferred from my original post, it still remains that something in your past motivated you to choose a person not fully available to you; rather a part-time arrangement "safe" enough to feel good without anything deep.
As to separating yourself from the xMW, actually it's a relatively simple physical process: you simply stop calling, e-mailing, writing or any other form of contact with her. Move on. Let her explain to husband why you've fallen off the face of their earth. Her marriage, her problem, not yours. You're not in her life any longer. Your choice.
If you find the straight forward replies "sanctimonious", so be it. I've not been too much for sugar coating the solutions to ending affairs. Endings are as painful as the dead end nature of the affair itself. No easy way past it, just one day at a time and let time heal the emotions.....
Good Luck,
cl-nre
Posie,
I hear you. I'm pretty good about seeing the big picture and understanding myself, but that doesn't mean I practice rational thinking 24-7. When my daughter's BF was breaking up with her, I helped her thru it & gave what I thought was appropriate advice. And the funny thing is this: as I was talking to her I was thinking, "Jeeze, if I followed my own advice I'd have a little more self-respect and begin separating from MW."
Two things?
1)Back to my fear--which you addressed very well: we had a period of 2.9 yrs with NC but then got back for this period of 3 years. That's part of what is troubling me.
2)Really, is there anyone on this board completely "over" his/her OW/OM/MW/MM?
Time to get ready for work.
Thank you and have a great Tuesday. I see the shrink today for the 3rd time...I'm going once a week. Any topic suggestions?
--LG
Hiya Leviguy,
Before I entered therapy (in January and after a very long night weighing up the pro's & con's of taking my own life), I'd have told you I was pretty good at seeing the big picture and understanding myself. What I discovered was I didn't see or know squat either about the big picture or myself. Six months on, I am both amazed and inspired by how little I really know.
I'd tried therapy some years ago and to be honest I'd really only paid to warm the therapist's couch for her. You see, I loved the idea of sorting myself & my life out, however, I wasn't prepared to put in the work *on* myself *for* myself in order to achieve that aim. Fact is, no one can fix this but you. There are no quick fixes. It can be long, slow and sometimes seemingly torturous, but along the path is a great strength and inner peace that I never knew existed.
<<<1)Back to my fear--which you addressed very well: we had a period of 2.9 yrs with NC but then got back for this period of 3 years. That's part of what is troubling me.>>>
It's empowering when you understand that you have control over nothing but your own actions. If you decide not to get entangled again, you won't. You cannot be trapped or manipulated unless you made a conscious choice to fall for it. As much as we like to complicate matters with what-if's, it really is that simple.
<<<2)Really, is there anyone on this board completely "over" his/her OW/OM/MW/MM?>>>
I'd say I am "over" my exOM. I am aware it would take little more than a wink or nod from me to relight that particular fire and I choose not to do so. Were the gods to conspire to free the path for exOM & I to be together, I'm confident I would still choose being alone rather than settling for exOM regardless of whether he is the father of my 2yr old daughter. I post here for a number of reasons, amongst them basic reinforcement/maintenance of that being "overness," and to a lesser extent repaying a great deal of support given to me whilst I was ending my own affair.
I have no suggestions for topics as your therapist will likely still be information gathering and in any event he/she will be working to your own specific needs. You'll never be short of topics LOL. Have a good session, Leviguy.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie