G.T.

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
G.T.
3
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:22pm
Wow - This is different!!

I'm doing OK. The usual browser I use doesn't care for this message board, so its a little harder to get to the page...

As for everything else, I'm not bad. OM and I did the big good bye emails the other day. Neither of us really wanting to finalize, but I did. He asked about meeting to talk things over and I said no. I'm trying to take the attitude, that until I'm 100% sure I'm leaving H that I have no right to continue on. Its only hurting me and countless others. But...I miss him like crazy. Today I felt like I had given up coffee or something - I just was craving the contact, but as I said I kept reminding myself - either I make myself available or there is nothing to talk about. (Ofcourse if I made myself available, there would be nothing to talk about unless he made himself available too. From what he's said, he would, but you never know till you see it happen.)

I know he'll start doing a lot more with his wife now - he always does when I'm not in the picture. Maybe I do too. Its gonna hurt to watch, but I have to keep it inside - he's not mine and that is his wife.

To be honest, I'm not feeling super strong at the moment. I don't really know how to get to that point - maybe just a little more time. I'll keep working on it.

PS I don't know how to retrieve your email. Maybe you can post it again. I'm at cclear464@netscape.net

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 3:25pm
Crystal...

I feel like I could have written so much of your post... My H is a very good man too, like yours. He is a great father, a good provider (sorry to sound old-fashioned but that is important)... he never flirts and I'm sure he's faithful to me... He too is trustworthy, I always know where he is... but we never had a lot of passion, and we let our emotional connection drift away as we became parents and partners in running the home and family instead of being a couple, being lovers... And that should not be enough reason to hurt so many people and upset so many innocent lives...

And that yes, it's SO much easier with NC or when I'm mad at XMM for something. When he is nice, or I get drawn into talking to him... it hurts and I know I set myself back again and again doing this...

So I too will keep plodding along. And I don't know that I have offered you one little bit of advice at all here - but sometimes it just helps me to know that others feel the same way I do...

Glinda

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 2:57pm
Hi GT-

I've spent a lot of time the last few days thinking about things. Thanks for your message - I took a lot of what you said into account as well.

A few things to clear up:

1. I'm the real fence sitter. MM has said he will leave - he will go first - all I need to give him is a plan of when I will follow and how much I will see him in the interim. But I just can't. I can't let him go till I'm sure, and I'm not.

2. I'm not ready to get out of my marriage. Yes, the marriage is NOT satisfying, but I'm just not at that point where I want to leave. Part of it is the children - they need us both. I have a high needs son and let me tell you, it takes 2 parents to raise him. We have a good life, we just are very different. I have never felt real, true passion for my husband. I knew he would be a good man to marry and a good father and I'd seen enough men who weren't, to know thats important. He's trustworthy. He's home evenings and weekends. He doesn't flirt with other women. He helps me alot with the children etc. There's everything but the passion. Is that a reason to hurt so many people?

At this point, I'm trying to tell myself that if I won't leave - I can't go back to OM. Its very hard to give him up. But its selfish, unhealthy and hurtful to do anything else.

Truthfully - I don't feel as strong as I wish I did about this. Its a lot easier when I'm angry at him for something, then I can ignore him etc. I saw him on the weekend and he was so nice - we were joking and laughing. Then later, I really missed him and it hurt so bad. (I guess that is the idea of NC)

Well, I'll keep plodding along. Thanks for your support!!

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 2:23pm
Hey lady! Good to hear from you. Yea we are all trying to get used to these new boards. With time, I suppose. We should look at no contact like we do trying to get used to these boards, tough but doable! :) I hope that made you smile.

You know Crystal, it's perfectly okay to miss him. But considering everything that you've posted about with this OMM, I have to say your rollercoaster has been about the longest I've seen. So the most important thing I want to say to you is this. The ONLY reason this rollercoaster has continued so long is because YOU HAVE ALLOWED IT. Please don't take this as me beating you up or judging. I would hope you wouldn't think that about me by now. What I want you to understand is that I know what you are going through and I do understand. The MM in my life has been living away from his W and kids for almost a year now. So you need to understand that while this is happening, there is so much emotional trauma that you can't continue a "happy" relationship with anyone during that time. It is a very long and drawn out process to heal from a marriage ending and to move on with someone new. I only tell you about this because the last post of yours that I remember reading was that you and the OMM were both talking of leaving your marriages to be together. I think that would be double trouble for you. But all I can do is look at the facts you've given and work with them. If ANYONE leaves a marriage first, it should be him, not you for the plain and simple fact that financially it is much easier for a man to get on track after divorce than it is for a woman, and especially so for a woman with children. I am hoping with something I say that you will begin to REALLY SEE the uphill battle you are facing. By doing so, it may just be easier for you to truly move on.

This man has made it abundantly clear that he is staying on the fence and you just keep letting him back in. In summary, this is about your self esteem. I believe without knowing a lot of the facts that you are in such a dead end marriage that you are at a point of feeling that a little of the OMM is better than none at all because then you will be faced with this married life which brings you so much unhappiness. You are not alone. You have got to see two things. Your self esteem is going to be completely ruined if you allow yourself to keep accepting the OMM's crumbs and you are only wasting precious time in your own life by staying in a dead end marriage. I see your only answer is to get strong, decide you are going to make good, positive changes and choices for YOUR life and not look back. You need to make up your mind enough is enough and that you aren't wasting one more day of your life like this. Then begin to plan. You need to find a way out of this marriage because when we have thrown things at you to make you feel guilty about your DH in this, it doesn't work. So forget him. Work on you and your plan. Seek some legal advice. And who really gives a rip if the OMM follows suit and starts his life over or not. If you truly love him, then you are going to be willing to let him make the best decision for himself and respect whatever it is. You cannot put your decision for yourself on hold until this guy who is all caught up in his exams and whatever else to control what you do for yourself. Create a plan, work the plan and don't look back. If he follows suit, then perhaps the two of you will have a future together. If he doesn't, then at least you will no longer be living lie after lie and will be able to begin again to live a right and upstanding life. That will boost your self esteem. The way you are handling it now, you are destroying it. Please don't let that continue. You are a nice and very intelligent woman with a lot of compassion to offer. You just need to put one foot in front of the other, be positive and believe in yourself!

Sending you hugs, hope and resolve,

GT