guilt of affair and how to be together ?
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| Fri, 07-30-2004 - 10:28am |
We stayed friends although the break-up was so painful for me. He has been my best freind for the past 20+years. About 4 years ago he confessed he never stopped loving me etc...We both had M that were not good- but not horrible. We got together in 2001 (LD)and it was amazing. We had it all- best friends, love, respect, enjoyed hanging out...but we were still M. We met for 5-7 days 5 times over the year and it just felt right.
Then he went through a period about 1 1/2 years ago wher he and W wanted to work on theor relationship. He said he needed to figure it out without me. We had NC for 6 months- then he said his relationship with W would never change but he was unsure if he would leave.
I basically felt the same. We talked alot but had not been together since 2002. Then suddenly in JAn his W asks for a D. He was so confused and hurt and yet he knew it was for the best. Money was a big issue- W wanted him to make more. He is a surgeon on disability now because of a wrist injury. D was finalized mid May.
I supported him the first 3-4 months emotionally- just being there. As you probably remember he asked what my plans were and I said I would leave H in probably 5 years...ludicrous but it was what I had thought before his D. He said he would wait for me forever and would send me emails about how much he loved me....anyway I figured out I had to resolve things quickly ....got things in order and told H- neither of us were happy. I could not be with DM until I too was free in a sense. This happened the end of May
Then my now DM tells me he is not in love with me anymore- 2 weeks after his D is finalized. We live in different states and I had encouraged him to go out and date and we talked about everything. I asked why - he said he could not wait 5 years...I told him that I had just told H and we agreed we were both unhappy and would be better apart. DM asks how long it would take, what I said..etc...then says it does not matter- he still does not love me - why-- just the little things added up and it was not one thing...that was what I was left with after 20+ years of love and friendship. I tried to talk him into not giving up-- no use
I flew done the next week and saw him and but could not vent and just had a nice time together. He said he meant everything he ever said and was so sorry for hurting me again. I told him I did not understand his decision but knew he would not hurt me deliberately and respected his decision. I told him I wasn't sure we could be friends as I was hurting. He understood and said he would like to be friends but respected my decision. After 2 weeks I emailed and said I wanted to be freinds. He responded.
So now 8 weeks later we have this uneasy friendship- I have still not figured out what happened. He says he is dating no one- but I belive he is and even when away with someone for a week but would not say where or with who...he has told me about his other trips with his family and kids...jsut strange.
I have sent him a few emails that explain what I thought the issues were and he responded. I am beginning to think that one of the issues was the affair itself. We both felt somewhat guilty about it- we are both Christian and would never have considered an affair with anyone else. So my question is - how to you resolve the guilt feelings of an affair and be able to be together? To say- the affair was wrong-- we made a mistake-- that is forgiveable-- we all make mistakes. We did it because we loved each other but should have waited until we were out of our M. So how do you resolve feeling the affair was wrong but still be together? Is it possible to do this?? Just questions??
tb

You always ask the most interesting and difficult questions!!
Perhaps the reason almost all affair based relationships fail is because there is no answer to them, perhaps the only solution is to leave the past relationship in the past bury it in a grave and when your both ready if that day ever comes then start something completly NEW.
Best answer I have for you hon.
If he is dating someone and lieing about it maybe you had better accept that he is moving on into his future and at least for now your not going to be a part of it, I know such an idea hurts and rankles but it is in your best interests to deal with this possibility.
Best wishes
Free