Guilt... How do you cope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Guilt... How do you cope?
2
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:25pm
MM and I had ended our A. He decided he couldn't see me anymore as friends and I was determined to work on my marriage. I was feeling so free. Then his wife checked his cell phone bill and realized he's been talking to 'someone' a lot. She confonted him several days ago- he denied anything but a friendship. I spoke to MM this morning and he said she's really upset and hurt. She was crying at the breakfast table.

I picked out a card the other day for our wedding anniversary. I was reading one that was really nice, but then the word TRUST jumped out at me and I put the card back.

I don't want to be the type of person that causes people pain. Physically, I never let the A go very far, but at one point I was really in love with MM. I knew that my DH wouldn't approve of all the time we spent talking and visiting, which is why I never told him everything. MM's wife knew almost nothing of our contact which is why she's so shocked now. DH told me several weeks ago that he didn't approve of the friendship because the wife didn't know. But still we kept in touch. Now I'm terrified that MM's wife will call and talk to my DH. She has my cell and home numbers on his cell phone bill. And I wish I wasn't a part of causing someone else pain.

I don't want to lose my DH's trust and respect. I feel like someone else must've made these bad decisions- How could I have done what I did? I knew the risks. I guess I never thought anyone would really get hurt. Any advice from those who've been there?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 8:59pm
The end of my A was very similar to yours, except I'm single so had no worries about a spouse finding out. MM and I were a few weeks into NC when his wife called me, she had found cellphone records and e-mails. I thought the guilt and shame were going to crush me more than the pain of ending the relationship. The way I am dealing with it is with the support of some very good friends (and this board), and also with the realization that I can't change the past. All I can do now is not repeat past mistakes and focus on the future and the healing ahead. Since I have had no contact with MM or his wife for almost 3 weeks I can only hope they are doing the same.

Hugs and best wishes to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 11:36am
I agree with your post. The guilt we feel is appropriate. We did a wrong thing by involving ourselves with someone committed to another. I guess we all felt overwhelmed by this love or sure we wouldn't get caught or whatever. But it really is a bad thing to involve yourself in.

Accept that you were wrong but like this post says, forgive yourself and move on. Continuing to repeat the mistake is not accepting that you messed up. But by changing your life, learning compassion for those of us who mess up, and learning from your mistake, is huge character development. I was wrong but I am better now than I was is all we can do.