Guilt, Shame, Sadness and Fear

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Guilt, Shame, Sadness and Fear
4
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 1:25pm

Hey ladies.

I guess today is just a blah today. I've kind of come down from the high of being relieved that it's all out there now, and that my H wants to stay and work on things.

Lately I just have this deep, heavy feeling of guilt and shame hanging on me. There's an ache inside me and some hatred towards myself for what I've done to my H, as well as ExAP and his W. I hate who I had become. I can't believe I hurt my H like that. And my friends, too. And there's a sadness because I know I will never see or talk to ExAP or his W again, and even though it was messed up, we did genuinely have some good times as a group and as friends. I'm just sad for what I've ruined.

I am also scared. Scared my H will change his mind and decide to leave after all (even though he reassures me that he will not)..... scared that my friends and family will find out (especially his family) and they will be angry and never want to speak to me again. I'm scared of facing them and what they might say or think.

The consequences of what I've done are weighty, and I do accept full responsibility for my actions. But, still, it's hard. There are so many consequences- and some I know I haven't realized yet. I know my H forgives me, and I know God forgives me. I am finding it hard to forgive myself. I want to beat myself up for it. I feel like I should suffer for what I've done.

Sigh. Today is just hard.

Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 5:36pm

Dear Hazel~ I feel terrible for the way you are feeling about yourself. As you know I am new here, and am in no way qualified to give advice like the

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 6:35pm

Hazel,


I'm a having a tough day today too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 10:39am

Hazel and Tess,
omgosh. this is ripping my heart out. Hazel, you're so blessed that H is who he is - honor that by not beating yourself up because when you do you are taking away the opportunity to focus on your H and rebuilding your marriage. does that even make sense? I guess I'm trying to say that you need to stay strong and focused. I be more eloquent if I had another cup of coffee in me, but I bet you still get the gist, no?

Tess, I cannot even begin to imagine your pain. I've not walked in your shoes and it's my biggest fear that I might have to someday. All I can say is that I feel you so deeply and I am praying - really, really PRAYING - that you will somehow overcome this. It's gut wrenching to hear what you're going through. (((hugs)))

wishing you both strength and peace.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 8:51am

Hazel-


I am so sorry you are feeling this way. This is just one of the many phases of recovery. I too dealt with a lot of guilt for what I did to my H and to xap's W and children. I beat myself up a lot. And then I came here, as you did, and posted and someone said this to me (and it really helped):


Guilt is a misplaced emotion; it’s anger turned inward. The person we offended or hurt may even have forgiven us (or may not know of our transgression), but we haven’t forgiven ourselves. In some ways, your guilt is continuing to affect your relationship with your husband. As we struggle with our internal anger, the guilt creates distance between us and others. Guilt makes it hard for us to move forward; how can we move forward when we are beating ourselves up? Have you tried to forgive yourself for the decisions you have made and to be gentle with yourself in understanding why and the hurt that it resulted in?


When we let go of guilt, it’s not to say that we shouldn’t have regrets for our actions. This is very much where my emotions were confused. It is important for us to feel regret when we make poor decisions that result in hurt and pain in others (or ourselves). We have to acknowledge that if we are to learn and make changes in our lives. The difference between guilt and regret, is that regret provides room for understanding. When we let go of the anger that we direct at ourselves, regret provides us with the opportunity to change. This is similar, I think, to posts from others suggesting that we must accept our roles in an affair and our actions. This is critically important for personal growth, but it isn’t necessary to continue to be angry at ourselves. Letting go of that anger, forgiving ourselves, opens up a pathway to stronger relationships with others.


I found that once I let go of the anger I harbored for myself, it was easier to focus on what I could do to improve my M. You have a second chance Hazel, just as I do, to rebuild your M and make it all you ever wanted it to be... and what's super is that you have a man who is compassionate enough to forgive you. Your main focus now has to be what you can do to prove to your H that you deserve his forgiveness. If you lose yourself in self pity or self loathing, it will be difficult for you to start mending your M. I know how difficult it is not to dwell on what you've done, but it's time to move forward. You cannot change what you did, but you control how you handle it going forward. Don't let it take you away from your H anymore than it already has. Ease up on yourself dear Hazel. It was a mistake and a serious one at that, but it does not define you.


Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/