You're grieving the end of a long dream. Rationally you knew it was going to end someday, but accepting that it's over is a whole other ballgame. (thought I would throw in some guy talk.) ;-) Guys always dream of hitting one out of the park, maybe scoring the winning run. But in the case of an A, it is never hit out of the park. There are mostly strike outs, steals, errors and double plays. Nothing but frustration and waiting....waiting and frustration...another day, same crap. THEN you might get to first base (an actual visit with XAP), but it is short lived when you get nailed on 2nd base. You never get to home plate because you've scored one alreadt with your W (She is your home plate), KWIM? An A leaves unfinished business and there is no closure in them. The only thing that closes is a door, and one that has to be bolted shut in order to allow another one to open.
I am sorry you were sad. It's all part of the ending process and at 6 weeks you are just beginning this journey. Perhaps it's time to TAKE SOME TIME just for yourself...so you can let your emotions go without your W around. Trust me, she is already suspicious...you may not think so, but if you read the Betrayed Spouses board, you will learn that most wives KNOW when something is going on with their spouses. What if she had heard you sobbing? Were you going to cover that up with yet another lie? (I'm referring to how you've explained your weight loss and sudden attentiveness to her).
I have a hard time reconciling that part too - my feelings for xAP. I genuinely cared about him and still miss that part of our relationship, ignoring the fact we should never have gotten that close, since he wasn't mine to "have."
You wouldn't be human if you didn't grieve over this loss of a relationship - a lengthy one at that. I'm having trouble over "just" 8 months....
To understand why the emotions you are feeling are more intense than those felt in most breaks ups, it takes a better understanding of what happens in most As and how that is different than the dynamic in most other types of Rs.
Because the fantasy element is combined with the non-committal element, an A gives the illusion that it is actually a safe place to express yourself and a safe place to pour your emotions. People often take more emotional risks in an A than they do in most other life Rs. BTW the M party takes the emotional risks for different reasons than the S party in an A. The S person is often trying to give more on an on-going bases to win over the AP while the M party is often only giving at specified moments to keep the A bubble inflated.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
What I would like to add and the point I was trying to make is that grieving is usually a selfish act. It’s about feeling sorry for and sad for self. Now I want to be careful to say that in no way am I implying we should not grieve. It is I believe a necessary process for releasing personal pain. You don’t have to love a person to feel sorry for yourself and your loss is the point I was trying to make without spelling it out so crudely. I doubt you lost as much with Jerry Rafferty’s death as you did with the death of the A. Understandable that you would grieve one and not the other.
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You’ll get no arguments out of me as to As being a usury relationship. People would not engage in such Rs if they were not getting something out of it no matter how high the interest is that they pay while in them. However, you were not grappling with what she felt for you and why she was in the A. You were grappling with what your shed tears meant and the depth of your feelings for her.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Decade, there's nothing I can say that will add anything to what Garfy, E1, and Iddy have already said, but I just wanted you to know that I understand how lonely it feels
I support all the things the other posters have said here. Im a bit like you though and question how I can feel so sad if the 'feelings' were as trite and unreal as I tell myself they were. I think I definately had feelings for the man at some stage and for the 'image' that he protrayed, and I imagined.
BUT, and there are a few buts. I really think the feelings were for the illusion man- not the real man. Just as his were with his illusion od me and not the real me. Is this possibly true of you and your exAP. I know you were together 10 years but did you really know her! Did you know all her faults, her moods, the deepest part of her that you ONLY see if you live with someone 24/7. Personally I think living with my exAP 24/7 would drive me nuts and make this mushy 'love' feeling turn on its head. The question is I guess- is whether that 'mushy' love could have EVER turned into the real, enduring, hard-yards love that is required to make a M work.
The other 'BUT' is a bit along the lines of E1's post. I think we mourn the end of As differently due to their very nature. Whether it IS or ISNT real love isnt as much the issue, to me, as the TYPE of feeling. As I said before- I believe its the fantasy, mushy, romantic love which never gets a chance to turn into a more stained durable feeling because it is...just an A. We only EVER get the feel goods- and wow are they ever good. Right when we need a soft word or an ego kick- there is the AP- to give us a feel-great!!! So the feeling is high-level mushy stuff. AND IT STOPS DEAD IN ITS TRACK.. The A inevitably ends due to external factors- 1 or both feel too guilty to continue- or something along those lines. So here we have a mushy love feeling that never soured. We were forced to stop. By ourselves possibly- but do you see what I mean- it ended BEFORE you get could naturally get bored or tire of her once you had lived with her.
The final issue for me is NC. Yes its necessary, yes it works, yes its the hard pill that is required. But Im sure if you ended your r'ship with your ex GF all those years ago and someone said you will NEVER hear from, talk to, or see that person again- you would have cried and cried. I think its the finality that brings an extra level of part-romanticism, part-Shakesperean tragedy to the whole thing-KWIM?
I may not be making much sense- struggling today with my exAP break in NC yesterday. I certainly mourn the end of it- whether its justified or not I dont know. But sh%t it makes me sad.
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((DL))
You're grieving the end of a long dream. Rationally you knew it was going to end someday, but accepting that it's over is a whole other ballgame. (thought I would throw in some guy talk.) ;-) Guys always dream of hitting one out of the park, maybe scoring the winning run. But in the case of an A, it is never hit out of the park. There are mostly strike outs, steals, errors and double plays. Nothing but frustration and waiting....waiting and frustration...another day, same crap. THEN you might get to first base (an actual visit with XAP), but it is short lived when you get nailed on 2nd base. You never get to home plate because you've scored one alreadt with your W (She is your home plate), KWIM? An A leaves unfinished business and there is no closure in them. The only thing that closes is a door, and one that has to be bolted shut in order to allow another one to open.
I am sorry you were sad. It's all part of the ending process and at 6 weeks you are just beginning this journey. Perhaps it's time to TAKE SOME TIME just for yourself...so you can let your emotions go without your W around. Trust me, she is already suspicious...you may not think so, but if you read the Betrayed Spouses board, you will learn that most wives KNOW when something is going on with their spouses. What if she had heard you sobbing? Were you going to cover that up with yet another lie? (I'm referring to how you've explained your weight loss and sudden attentiveness to her).
I have a hard time reconciling that part too - my feelings for xAP. I genuinely cared about him and still miss that part of our relationship, ignoring the fact we should never have gotten that close, since he wasn't mine to "have."
You wouldn't be human if you didn't grieve over this loss of a relationship - a lengthy one at that. I'm having trouble over "just" 8 months....
To understand why the emotions you are feeling are more intense than those felt in most breaks ups, it takes a better understanding of what happens in most As and how that is different than the dynamic in most other types of Rs.
Because the fantasy element is combined with the non-committal element, an A gives the illusion that it is actually a safe place to express yourself and a safe place to pour your emotions. People often take more emotional risks in an A than they do in most other life Rs. BTW the M party takes the emotional risks for different reasons than the S party in an A. The S person is often trying to give more on an on-going bases to win over the AP while the M party is often only giving at specified moments to keep the A bubble inflated.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
<>
What I would like to add and the point I was trying to make is that grieving is usually a selfish act. It’s about feeling sorry for and sad for self. Now I want to be careful to say that in no way am I implying we should not grieve. It is I believe a necessary process for releasing personal pain. You don’t have to love a person to feel sorry for yourself and your loss is the point I was trying to make without spelling it out so crudely. I doubt you lost as much with Jerry Rafferty’s death as you did with the death of the A. Understandable that you would grieve one and not the other.
<>
You’ll get no arguments out of me as to As being a usury relationship. People would not engage in such Rs if they were not getting something out of it no matter how high the interest is that they pay while in them. However, you were not grappling with what she felt for you and why she was in the A. You were grappling with what your shed tears meant and the depth of your feelings for her.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Decade, there's nothing I can say that will add anything to what Garfy, E1, and Iddy have already said, but I just wanted you to know that I understand how lonely it feels
I support all the things the other posters have said here. Im a bit like you though and question how I can feel so sad if the 'feelings' were as trite and unreal as I tell myself they were. I think I definately had feelings for the man at some stage and for the 'image' that he protrayed, and I imagined.
BUT, and there are a few buts. I really think the feelings were for the illusion man- not the real man. Just as his were with his illusion od me and not the real me. Is this possibly true of you and your exAP. I know you were together 10 years but did you really know her! Did you know all her faults, her moods, the deepest part of her that you ONLY see if you live with someone 24/7. Personally I think living with my exAP 24/7 would drive me nuts and make this mushy 'love' feeling turn on its head. The question is I guess- is whether that 'mushy' love could have EVER turned into the real, enduring, hard-yards love that is required to make a M work.
The other 'BUT' is a bit along the lines of E1's post. I think we mourn the end of As differently due to their very nature. Whether it IS or ISNT real love isnt as much the issue, to me, as the TYPE of feeling. As I said before- I believe its the fantasy, mushy, romantic love which never gets a chance to turn into a more stained durable feeling because it is...just an A. We only EVER get the feel goods- and wow are they ever good. Right when we need a soft word or an ego kick- there is the AP- to give us a feel-great!!! So the feeling is high-level mushy stuff. AND IT STOPS DEAD IN ITS TRACK.. The A inevitably ends due to external factors- 1 or both feel too guilty to continue- or something along those lines. So here we have a mushy love feeling that never soured. We were forced to stop. By ourselves possibly- but do you see what I mean- it ended BEFORE you get could naturally get bored or tire of her once you had lived with her.
The final issue for me is NC. Yes its necessary, yes it works, yes its the hard pill that is required. But Im sure if you ended your r'ship with your ex GF all those years ago and someone said you will NEVER hear from, talk to, or see that person again- you would have cried and cried. I think its the finality that brings an extra level of part-romanticism, part-Shakesperean tragedy to the whole thing-KWIM?
I may not be making much sense- struggling today with my exAP break in NC yesterday. I certainly mourn the end of it- whether its justified or not I dont know. But sh%t it makes me sad.
Big hug xxx
Iggyxx
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