H called xMM!!!!
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| Thu, 06-23-2005 - 4:30pm |
Since my A ended (2 weeks ago) and I confessed EVERYTHING to my H, as much as we are trying to move on, the pain is still very much there.
My H forgave me, however, we are both still hurt.
We chose not to have MC! I know most of you disagree with me on this, but everyone deals with situations differently. I know couples who made it thru without MC.
My H is dealing with his pain and healing in a different way. He's expressing his pain, anger, feelings to me thru letters he writes every day (depending on his mood, it's either good or bad).
He has been asking me a LOT of questions about my A and xMM and he said he doesn't want any more lies. Nothing I say, or do now is gonna hurt him more than if I keep on hiding stuff from him.
He sees how much I still can't let go of xMM and he sees that this wasn't just a fling on my part. I did fall in love with xMM! And no it wasn't lust.
So, my H said to me today that he needs to confront xMM, manily because it's my H's way of putting closure to my A. He says it's something he has to do.
He called xMM today and to his surprise xMM answered the call right away and he agreed to meet with my H on Saturday. My H thought he would just hang up the phone and not agree to meet with him, but xMM didn't hesitate at all. Of course he didn't. After all he wants to remain "Mr. Nice Guy". He is scared as hell that if he said no to my H, then we would tell his W, or something (which we wouldn't do!!!).
My H said he's not angry with xMM and he would never ever get to the point of us ruining his family. But he still needs to face xMM! This is what he wants to keep his sanity.
I am speechless to say the least. Has anyone been in our shoes????? I.e. your H confronting your xMM?
PG

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My husband didn't call my xMm but he did call his wife. All she talked about is how he should leave me. Then she sent me a nasty email.
Maybe you husband just wants to make sure he won't go near you again. At one point my husband suggested he might call my xMM but then he decided against it. That was the reason he gave for wanting to call him.
Not that I mean to tell you how you feel, but I don't believe you love your xMM. Addiction feels like love. Love is a decision you make after the butterflies subside. How can you truly know if love someone until the relationship is the reality, not the fantasy?
I just dont see the point...what is he going to gain from talking to xMM. I don't think i'd want to if i was in his shoes. Perhaps this is a male thing...need to know who this guy is that took his woman kinda thing...curiosity etc.
But what I understand even less...is why...xMM would agree to meet H. You must be right PG...the only motivation I can think of is to thwart discovery to his Wife...otherwise wow..sheer insanity.
Good luck,
Lizzie
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If your husband insists on meeting XMM face to face please ask him to do it in a VERY PUBLIC PLACE you never know for sure how mean will act under this sort of strain...CAUTION should be taken.
Free
Thank you all for your responses!!!!
Free,
You got me worried now!!!!! Is it my H I should worry about, or xMM doing something stupid??? They agreed to meet in a VERY public place. I know my H won’t do anything crazy, because I know him. My H has NO ENEMIES! He even told me that he’s not mad at xMM at all and I believe him.
AS,
Honestly, my H said he needed to do this because it’s like facing his worst fear - xMM!!!! He said, every day when we get on that train (that’s where I met xMM), my H said he won’t get peace in his mind unless he confronts him. He said he wants to do this rather than bumping into xMM one day on the train and then it will feel very awkward.
I can’t say whether my H is strong, I think he’s trying to hold it together, otherwise we’ll both lose our sanity at this point. xMM will NOT deny the A, because I have numerous evidence!!!!! I showed the vm’s and e-mails to my H, which says it all.
Mo,
You are right! My H asks me every single day “Did he try to contact you?” and I keep telling him NO. I haven’t spoken to xMM since June 9 and I’d like to keep it that way! I have no reason to call him. What for???? So that he can trash me some more, or reject me again. The A is done!
I told H that xMM and I tried to end it about 7 times within the 11 months, but each time after a few days of NC, either xMM would break NC, or I would and then we were back in the A again. Even this LAST break up, after he dumped me, then he tells me that he still wants to remain “friends.” I guess, he figured when his guilt settles he’ll be calling me once again to start things back up. Anytime an xMM says “Let’s be friends” = “I still want to use you sometime in the near future”.
So, my H said that he wants to make sure xMM will NEVER call me again. I told H that he doesn’t have to confront him to tell him this, because I think pretty much xMM is gone for good now that my H knows.
I have to tell you though that I DID have butterflies each and every time I saw xMM!!!! This is why I think it wasn’t just an addiction on my part. In an awkward way xMM did make me happy! Yes, I didn’t know a whole lot about it, like what side of the bed he sleep on, or what color is his toothbrush, or stuff like that, but the feelings I had/have towards him were very real and still are. Even my H noticed it on me, so if he says that he sees that I have these very strong feelings for xMM, he wouldn’t think I was just messing around. I don’t know! It’s all so confusing.
Lizzie,
I said the same thing to my H too, I just don’t see the point to all this. But I won’t stop him. If this is what he feels like he has to do, then I can’t tell him no.
As bizarre as it sounds, someone told me that in one of the many infidelity books it did mention something about confronting your spouses AP. My H has a fear now of one day bumping into xMM on the train and how he would react to that. So, he said if he just met him, the fear would be gone. He is actually not angry with xMM. My H is a VERY understanding person.
I knew exactly why xMM agreed to meet with my H, for his OWN protection. He would have to be really stupid to say no and then think later “Wait a minute, they could come knocking on my door and tell my W everything if I don’t agree to see him” sort of thing.
Anyway. H may, or may not change his mind about meeting xMM tomorrow. I’ll let you all know!
Thanks for your feedbacks!
PG
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Those butterflies you mention are actually a biochemical response, PG. When you cut off contact you were left gasping for more feel-good. You've described perfectly your own addiction to the feel-good, heady "in-love" attraction biochemical explosion that having contact with xMM brings. You confused lust (biochemical buzz) with love, easily done and you're hardly the first. You can certainly count me amongst the one time confused, too.
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I think your H needs to face his fear, namely xMM. Meeting your problems head-on is what emotionally healthy people do rather than finding a temporary distraction.
Your H will also likely be attempting to find the missing puzzle pieces of his life since he can't trust you anymore to give him all the pieces or show him where they are hiding.
He will also be trying to figure out who this person who looks & sounds just like his wife really is, because you are not her. He'll also be wondering whether this wife-like clone is likely to exit her cocoon and/or pod as a person with whom he actually wishes to spend any more time or on whom he's willing to risk any more love or trust.
Will you be attending their meeting tomorrow? Or is this something your H wants to do on a strictly man to worm basis?
~LeFeen~
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I would love to be a fly on the wall though! It would be interesting.
LeFeen,
I know I sound like a movie fanatic all the time, because I keep bringing up lines from movies. But actually H is the one who said this to me the other day. He said he needs to face xMM because his fear will go away if he faces his "demons" (something what Bill Paxton said in the movie Frailty). It's like a kid who's afraid of the clown in the closet, so instead of shutting his eyes, he has to overcome his fear by facing the boogie man.
xMM and I met on the train and although we haven't seen him on the same train we take in months, but there is always that possibility that eventually we WILL see him face to face one day. H has been feeling really weird lately about taking the train. He says it's almost like a paranoia where he's constantly turning around to see if xMM is there, or not.
He said he rather just face him and get it over with, than to bump into him unexpectedly one day on the train and then it will feel very weird on my H's part.
Believe me, I think what my H is doing is a BAD idea, but this is what he wants to do, so I am not gonna stop him.
My H has said to me that when he looks at me now I am a totally different woman in his eyes. It's like he has to get to know me all over again. He is also afraid that the missing link I had in our M, I might go looking for that again with another MM. But at this point I am done!!!!!! I will not be used by another MM!!!
H asked me if I wanna meet xMM tomorrow and all 3 us have a chat. I said "NO WAY!!!!" That would be breaking NC on my part! Plus, why would I wanna see xMM, so that he can lie to my face some more???? I told H to be prepared that he will be faced with a BIGGEST liar of all times - xMM!!!!! I told H, xMM is the same guy who was able to convince his W that we are "only friends". H said he's not looking for answers, he just wants to meet him. Maybe this is something guys do, I don't know!
Thanks for your response!
PG
Believe me, if I could do a James Bond, I would like to be there somewhere disguised in the background with an ear piece so that I can hear what they talk about. But it would just make it more miserable for me and honestly I just wanna erase xMM out of my head.
Who knows, they might not even meet. I know xMM once dissed me when I asked him to meet me to give me back the pictures I gave him. Although I highly doubt he would dis my H, unless he wants to end up in a deeper crap as it is.
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