H found EAS...and BOY am i relieved...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
H found EAS...and BOY am i relieved...
12
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 10:39am

hi EAS family,

i wonder if your jaws dropped reading the subject line. im sure for those of you who are M, it's always been a nightmare taht H would find EAS, figure out who you are, etc.

well, it happened to me. H was googling something, found the board, and from just a few details as well as my writing style, he figured it out. he knows me quite well. he called me at 3 am a few days ago saying he knew everything.

every detail. it's like having your journal read (which he's done too). he knows about the sex and what i felt about it, he knows about every time AP tried to contact me, and all the times i broke NC (made it 15 days now). and even posting here now, he'll probably read it, but i dont care.

because it feels so good to stop lying. to stop covering things up. i mean, the A was obvious. he knew it was happening. and now, genuine healing can begin. to have my soul bared in this way is incredibly exposing, and i feel very raw. but at the same time, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

if anything, it has become even more clear to me that i did the right thing in ending the A, because H is a million times the man that AP is. as you all know, AP continues to fish, and i continue to ignore.

this board has saved me, not only bc of the mutual support you give me, but because this is the only place i've been honest since this whole A started. and now, for H to see it, finally, he can know the truth. i cant lie, because there's a record of it on here.

i have no idea what will happen with H and i going forward. i dont know if reconciliation is possible. but i do know that if it is, it can only begin NOW, with genuine honesty.

thank you to all of you for your support during this very difficult time. i'll probably be posting less frequently, but i'm certainly reading, cos i need the reminders and i need the help.

xox
~Exi

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Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 2:44pm

I hope it was a one in a million chance. That way I would be safe for another couple of days.



Good luck and I am pulling for you.



RBM



Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters.--Margaret Peters



We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 6:05pm

Dear Exi,

*** please note, I rarely if ever post my feelings on telling vs. not telling because I know that it is a deeply personal and potentially divisive topic; however, the following is based on my own experiences/knowledge/beliefs. I also firmly believe that once a discovery is made, both partners NEED to enter individual counseling and marriage counseling. I also believe counseling is in order when someone is planning to share their affair history with their partners ***

However it happened, I am relieved for you that your husband discovered your affair. I am one for full disclosure in a marriage regarding affairs; otherwise, I see people self-imprisoned and holding their breath for the day they are discovered, and perpetuating lies to continue to cover the past. I don't believe one can ever fully recover from an affair without being accountable to the person that you have so wronged. I believe we slowly drive them crazy with lies, and we sit by and watch as they come to doubt their own sense of truth and reality. We create paranoia and crazy make our loved ones.

I manipulated my H through-out my affair by telling him black was white and white was black. I deflected responsibility and minimized his concerns. And this was in the very beginning phases, but it was taking a terrible toll; therefore, I told him I was having an affair. I felt that he had the right to know why I was behaving the way I was to prevent him from owning any of it. If I was in a bad mood because of the affair, I didn't want him to think he was doing anything wrong and try to fix it. I felt he had the right to decide whether or not he wanted to stay married to me, and ultimately, because the affair was physical, he had the right to take care of his own health concerns. I put him at physical and emotional risk, and it was his decision, not mine, as to how to move past the affair. If we believe so much in making choices, then how can we take the choices away from our partners? No one can know what another person can or can't handle, or what their decision would be. I believe that it is another form of self-preservation to try and keep the secret hidden while trying to work on what is often a failing marriage wherein the betrayed spouse has no freaking clue what it is they are really dealing with. Displaced guilt, grief and loss, depression, over/under compliance in the relationship, drastic mood-swings, non-sensical behavior etc ... at least now your partner will have some of the pieces of the very complex puzzle. I wouldn't even know where to begin in my marriage, or how to re-build if he didn't know. I would never feel worthy of disagreeing or setting boundaries, I would feel like "if he only knew, he would leave" ... or "what right do I have to be angry/disappointed/hurt/frustrated with husband ... look what I did!!!"

Without telling him, I would have continued to pull us both under water, while giving him the silence message that he was in part responsible for our drowning, knowing full well it was me with the stones tied around my ankles.

I wish the best for you in the days and weeks to come as he processes this new information.

with love,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 10:11pm
TU-thank you sincerely. i am wondering, would you ever be available to email off board? if not, i completely understand. just curious.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 1:00pm

totally.

you should be able to email through my profile (-:

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 5:31pm

Exi,

I second what TU said, 100 percent.

I know full disclosure is an intensely personal decision. But for what it's worth, I agree with TU's post.

I told my H (now XH) about my AP from the beginning, even when it was still at the texting/emailing stage. We separated right as my A got into "full blown A" mode, and throughout our separation, I talked to my H about my A and my XAP. Weirdly enough, it was my H that got me through some pretty tough times during my A. He was very forgiving and such a good friend to me. Our marriage didn't survive (mainly by my choice), but we are still good friends.

I will be honest, there was some selfishness to my disclosure: It helped relieve my guilt. At the same time, I'm not good at faking it. At all. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I knew that if I didn't just come clean and admit it, he would figure it out anyway by the way I was acting.

I didn't go into unnecessary details because I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I was, but he knew about visits and trips away to meet XAP, and he even walked in on my telling my XAP that I loved him once. Of course, he shouldn't have been just walking into my house unannounced at that time (during our separation), but that's another issue. :)

Anyway, there is some relief to just having it all out there in the open. No matter what happens with your M now, you can at least know that there are no more secrets that have to be hidden and "protected," and you can move on without that weight holding you down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 9:58pm

thank you all for your support. it is an incredible relief, and genuine healing can only begin now. it is so hard because he's asking millions of questions about very specific details, and lying has become such a reflex that being honest feels like a challenge. its upsetting how much lying has become my 2nd nature.

now we are faced with the challenges associated with potential rebuilding. we have no idea what the future will hold. H also told BS about the fact he knows, AND he emailed AP and basically told AP to stop fishing. AP responded by saying something along the lines of the fact that he never wants to speak to me again, and that he can't imagine why anybody would want to speak to me. he's obviously very hurt, and embarrassed to have thrown his life away for somebody who doesn't want to be with him.

it's sad isn't it, how many people are damaged by affairs? people i have never met and dont even know despise me. i imagine AP and BS talking about me, and i wonder if BS knows how AP told me he had never loved anybody (including her) the way he loved me. in a way i loved im also, but not in the way he wanted, and not in the way i love my H. that's my consolation here, is that while there was affection between us, it wasn't love. so im healing from a break up, but i know the break up was the right decision.

the guilt i feel towards my H, however, will take a long time to process. and recognizing the deep seated intimacy issues and fears of adult reality that led me down the A path is a great revelation, but now, trying to work through THOSE is another challenge.

this could be a period of great growth for me and for my relationship. i just wish i could have learned these lessons without resorting to this type of behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 10:34pm

tu,

hola chica, i am tryijg to email you via your profile and am unable to so....gonna need ya durimg the black out!

email me on mine...or let me know if you change ur settings

sorry for the thread hijack

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 10:45pm

hey!

I am going to go check my profile now to ensure I can be emailed! I am here for you sister (-: No worries, we'll get it figured out.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 9:28am

Good for you for having the courage to tell the truth. My DH and I have found that it takes complete honesty in order to rebuild a stronger M. We succeeded and things are wonderful with us. Your DH needs to know what was missing in the M and what you need from him in order to give you what you need.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 4:05pm

mom and others,

thank you for your support. yeah, it shouldn't matter what BS or AP think, especially now. if anything, NC feels easier now, because the truth is out, and if AP contacts me, i'll just tell H, and he'll support me. the only people who matter right now are me and H, and our feelings and our goals.

ive been getting some good feedback on the "life after betrayal" board about how to regain trust. it is SO hard right now, because H is asking me to dredge up every little detail of A. reliving that nightmare is painful, saying those things aloud and really acknowledging all of the things i did is SO hard.

it also helps me realize what a truly amazing man my H is. i mean, he's talking to me, which is huge. he just wants to understand, to make sense of things, and to figure out where we can go from here. we know we love each other, and he knows i feel nothing but guilt and shame about what i've done. he also knows that ultimately, i do not love AP, and i chose to end the affair despite AP's continued fishing and attempts to remain in contact with me. the problem now is that H has no idea how he could ever trust me again, and i understand that.

processing the A with my H is a very different experience than processing it alone (or with you guys). as long as this was still a secret, i was still wrestling with guilt about ending the affair. i'd feel guilty to my AP, because i felt like he was a good friend to me and i was sorry to cut the cord. i was reluctant to demonize AP because i felt like i could understand his vulnerability and his weakness, since i had done the same thing. but talking to H is helping me realize that while i'm trying to overcome my mistake, AP still sees himself as a victim here, and that is just appalling. i spent so much time hoping that AP would "get it", that he'd understand why i was breaking things off, that he'd see that friendhsip just isn't possible. but he never got it, and i've realized that he never will. his last text to me was something about how i was a "f'ing c***t". he hates me because i didn't love him, and he'll never understand that love cannot blossom under the shadow of deceit and lies. being able to finally talk about that with H is amazing.

i appreciate all of the EAS'ers for their support while i process what happened during my A. i wont bore you guys by talking all about my H and my marriage, because this isn't the place for that. but where im at right now is to try and mend that, and mend myself.

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