H found EAS...and BOY am i relieved...
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| Sat, 09-25-2010 - 10:39am |
hi EAS family,
i wonder if your jaws dropped reading the subject line. im sure for those of you who are M, it's always been a nightmare taht H would find EAS, figure out who you are, etc.
well, it happened to me. H was googling something, found the board, and from just a few details as well as my writing style, he figured it out. he knows me quite well. he called me at 3 am a few days ago saying he knew everything.
every detail. it's like having your journal read (which he's done too). he knows about the sex and what i felt about it, he knows about every time AP tried to contact me, and all the times i broke NC (made it 15 days now). and even posting here now, he'll probably read it, but i dont care.
because it feels so good to stop lying. to stop covering things up. i mean, the A was obvious. he knew it was happening. and now, genuine healing can begin. to have my soul bared in this way is incredibly exposing, and i feel very raw. but at the same time, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
if anything, it has become even more clear to me that i did the right thing in ending the A, because H is a million times the man that AP is. as you all know, AP continues to fish, and i continue to ignore.
this board has saved me, not only bc of the mutual support you give me, but because this is the only place i've been honest since this whole A started. and now, for H to see it, finally, he can know the truth. i cant lie, because there's a record of it on here.
i have no idea what will happen with H and i going forward. i dont know if reconciliation is possible. but i do know that if it is, it can only begin NOW, with genuine honesty.
thank you to all of you for your support during this very difficult time. i'll probably be posting less frequently, but i'm certainly reading, cos i need the reminders and i need the help.
xox
~Exi

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Hi Exi,
First, I'm sending you hugs - I know that it can be so scary to have all of your secrets exposed, and how naked and vulnerable it can make you feel.
When I had my d-day, I was CL of the MAS board.
kim,
a sincere thank you for your kind words. i appreciate the empathy and it is always comforting to know that you are not alone.
H is an amazing man, and recognizes that the boards provided support for me. he also has read every single post, and recognizes that i posted a great deal about how the A was tormenting me. i think it meant something to know that i was feeling guilty the whole time, rather than justifying it in some twisted way like my AP did.
i realize that only with honesty can true rebuilding begin. i also realize that i need to be patient with H right now, because his healing is going to be very hard and already, he's gone through so many emotional highs and lows in the past week. he hates me, he loves me, he feels for my pain, he thinks i should jump off a bridge, he wants to kill AP and maim his family and slice up his dog, he wants to run to me and hold me so we can rebuild, etc etc. what a terribly exhausting emotional experience it is for him.
its hard for me bc he's asking so many questions. questions that are so uncomfortable to answer. he deserves my answers, but damn its hard. because as i said before, saying it out loud makes it really real and true, and admitting that i genuinely did those things is disgusting. i mean, i'd meet up with AP for a roll in the hay and one hour later be having dinner with H. the ways in which i divided my life in two pieces and lived them both is shocking and upsetting. DH is flabbergasted and understandably overwhelmed.
kim, i am glad to know that you and your H benefited from the boards. i have actually seen his posts on the "all sides" board. i'm posting now without censorship, even though i know H is reading. i've always had an easier time expressing myself in writing than by talking, so in some way, its another way for me to talk to DH about my feelings.
as a general question to the group, and being cognizant of the fact that there are many singles on this board, i'm wondering if the stereotype that rebuilding after the affair actually brought you and your H closer together. a lot of what i've been reading says that if a couple is able to work through this experience, they become stronger. i'm desperately hoping for that, because i realize for myself and DH to recover, we cannot return to a place where we were. we must begin anew.
i appreciate everybody's support during this time.
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