Had another lightbulb moment 5 months out of A!
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|Fri, 08-31-2012 - 12:02pm|
You know when you read book reviews and people say "spoiler alert" so you know not to read on if you don't want to know what happens, well, I'm giving you all a "TMI alert" on this post, be warned, if you are slightly squeamish or about to have your dinner, look away now
Well, I have had another "aha" moment, I didn't think there were any more left, but this one has crept up on me and bit me on the behind. It's of a sexual nature, and as I explain it, we may get into TMI territory, so you may not wish to read on.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the whole fantasy nature of the A, and as we get further and further out of the A, we understand more clearly the reality of the situation, and we see more clearly what was really happening in the A, not what we were wanting to happen, or were hoping were happen, not what we were dreaming about, we see what was real, not real, truth, lies, fantasy, dream, hopes, pie in the sky.
Well, for those of you who have been following my story you will know that I am working on my M, and a big stumbling block has been the sexual side of things with H, which I am very happy to report is improving. And every now and then I think back to those times with xAP. Well, here comes the "aha" moment, and here's where it gets graphic, so I apologise in advance. I have realised that for a number of reasons although I enjoyed sex with xAP intensely, I was creating and acting out a fantasy situation that was not real, in actuality, the sex with xAP was not as good as I was making it out to be, in effect, I was pretending, acting, fantasising, I had created the whole thing out of my emotions, dreams, fabrications, desires, I was daydreaming about what I wanted and as such I had contrived the whole experience.
As I have rekindled things with my H, I am seeing things with xAP for what they really were.
XAP had a couple of issues which, when I think about them now, have made me realise that if he and I were a real life couple living together that the sex would not be that great. XAP has a very small manhood. Now I'm no expert on the size of gentleman's appendages, but I think H's is what you would call average, and xAP's is about a third of the size of H's, such that sometimes during the act itself with xAP I would wonder whether it was still in. I know that size doesn't matter, but maybe that could have become an issue for me in the long term.
The other thing is that XAP had difficulty reaching orgasm. He needed at least a couple of hours of stimulation to reach orgasm and sometimes even that wasn't enough. I don't know whether it was because he felt guilty because he really loved his W, or whether that is the way he is made. But as I have thought more deeply about this I have wondered how this would impact on me in real life, with children in the house, work in the morning, chores to be done, how would I feel about it if it had to go on for several hours. And then I thought about xAP's W, if she has avoided sex during their marriage, maybe she has found it frustrating that it has to go on for so long, I know sometimes with me we just had to give up, and with time constraints it just wasn't possible, it could be that after 30 years of xAP and his W being together that the whole thing has become a bit daunting for his W, I could well imagine feeling that way about it myself.
So, has anyone else had a belated "aha" moment, not necessarily as gory as mine, where they have recognised the reality of an aspect of their A, and where they now understand that a real relationship in real life with their xAP would never have worked.
Soglad x o x