Had another lightbulb moment 5 months out of A!

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Had another lightbulb moment 5 months out of A!
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 12:02pm

You know when you read book reviews and people say "spoiler alert" so you know not to read on if you don't want to know what happens, well, I'm giving you all a "TMI alert" on this post, be warned, if you are slightly squeamish or about to have your dinner, look away now:smileyhappy:

Well, I have had another "aha" moment, I didn't think there were any more left, but this one has crept up on me and bit me on the behind. It's of a sexual nature, and as I explain it, we may get into TMI territory, so you may not wish to read on.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the whole fantasy nature of the A, and as we get further and further out of the A, we understand more clearly the reality of the situation, and we see more clearly what was really happening in the A, not what we were wanting to happen, or were hoping were happen, not what we were dreaming about, we see what was real, not real, truth, lies, fantasy, dream, hopes, pie in the sky.

Well, for those of you who have been following my story you will know that I am working on my M, and a big stumbling block has been the sexual side of things with H, which I am very happy to report is improving. And every now and then I think back to those times with xAP. Well, here comes the "aha" moment, and here's where it gets graphic, so I apologise in advance. I have realised that for a number of reasons although I enjoyed sex with xAP intensely, I was creating and acting out a fantasy situation that was not real, in actuality, the sex with xAP was not as good as I was making it out to be, in effect, I was pretending, acting, fantasising, I had created the whole thing out of my emotions, dreams, fabrications, desires, I was daydreaming about what I wanted and as such I had contrived the whole experience.

As I have rekindled things with my H, I am seeing things with xAP for what they really were.

XAP had a couple of issues which, when I think about them now, have made me realise that if he and I were a real life couple living together that the sex would not be that great. XAP has a very small manhood. Now I'm no expert on the size of gentleman's appendages, but I think H's is what you would call average, and xAP's is about a third of the size of H's, such that sometimes during the act itself with xAP I would wonder whether it was still in. I know that size doesn't matter, but maybe that could have become an issue for me in the long term.

The other thing is that XAP had difficulty reaching orgasm. He needed at least a couple of hours of stimulation to reach orgasm and sometimes even that wasn't enough. I don't know whether it was because he felt guilty because he really loved his W, or whether that is the way he is made. But as I have thought more deeply about this I have wondered how this would impact on me in real life, with children in the house, work in the morning, chores to be done, how would I feel about it if it had to go on for several hours. And then I thought about xAP's W, if she has avoided sex during their marriage, maybe she has found it frustrating that it has to go on for so long, I know sometimes with me we just had to give up, and with time constraints it just wasn't possible, it could be that after 30 years of xAP and his W being together that the whole thing has become a bit daunting for his W, I could well imagine feeling that way about it myself.

So, has anyone else had a belated "aha" moment, not necessarily as gory as mine, where they have recognised the reality of an aspect of their A, and where they now understand that a real relationship in real life with their xAP would never have worked.

Soglad x o x

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 1:31pm

Is it safe to open my eyes now?  Actually, I covered my eyes, but still left a crack through which to see.  It wasn't that bad.

Gotta love these lightbulb moments...each moment burns through the fog...'til there's no more fog left and we are standing there in the bright, stark light...pretty scary sometimes what we see.  Your scary is probably the same as his wife's scary...sex sounds like it would have been an endless chore.  I think that for some men, it's only a matter of time when boredom sets in again...they just want 'different'.  And, of course, guilt, hard day at work, age or an addiction can play a role as well.

Not the first time I've heard that sex with an affair partner was not all that great...quite a disappointment in fact.

I have THE funniest story...in keeping with 'time'.  Now this is about my best friend...and she's since signed on.  I don't know if she has had a chance to read here yet.  She'll recognize the story if she does, but I know she will laugh too.

I get this call from her and during our normal chat, she mentions how her affair partner has been showing more signs of difficulty 'responding' of late and how last night the b/j went on for 2 hours...yes, folks, you heard right...2 hours. Okay, so the next day I go over to visit; and when she opens the door, she's wearing one of those neck collars...and she's not sure what happened...and I am almost wetting my pants laughing because I get it...and when I can point out to her through my fit of laughter, which took probably about 10 minutes to spit it out,  just why she might have a crink her her neck...she starts hysterically laughing too.

I figure when we are all stuck in that lusty stage, we think the thought of that endless fun sex will last and last, yet more often than not, it'll wan...and it'll just turn out that endless, time-consuming, "sorry...never-gonna-happen' sex."






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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 6:39pm
I have to pile on. Xap was average, perhaps a bit smaller than H, but he was oh so proud of it. The first time he got undressed in front of me, he whipped off his underwear as if pulling a drape off a new car. I did manage not to laugh and made appropriate ooh-ahh noises at the mere sight of it but, really, it was nothing to write home about.

From the beginning, too, he had always had erection issues. That first time, it happened every time he put on a condom. I understand this isn't unheard of but it told me that he wasn't used to them. Later encounters suggested to me that he'd at least been practising with the latex but the last time we were together I should have known it was the very last time. He had been "wooing" me for weeks about how as he was getting older his erections lasted forever and it took him a long time to finish. (I wasn't aware that was a selling point but whatever.) When we were finally face to face, he was sad that we only had two and a half hours together (I was 30 minutes late) because he wouldn't be able to finish three times. Anyway, as the appointed hour of his departure began to draw nearer, I started pointing out the time to him. Oh, must be time for you to go. You're going to be late. And then when the hour came and went and he was still there I began to contemplate dynamite as the only way to get him out of my hotel room. He had kept losing his erection again (maybe it's me...sucks to be him). HE WAS HOLDING OUT FOR HIS SECOND TIME!

I had my real awakening immediately after her left and I called my only girlfriend who knows the situation. We laughed and laughed, more at my fruitless efforts than his physical shortcomings. Stupidly, though, I emailed him a few days later to say how great it had been. Fortunately, he was equally stupid and couldn't just stay quiet.

So it's true. Mostly we have sex with a fiction, not a real person. And even if the sex had been as good as I had wanted to remember it being, he didn't love me. Skilled hips will never take the place of a loving heart in bed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 11:12pm
So true. xAP cannot hold a candle to DH. Not in terms of endowment, or skill. Or integrity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sat, 09-01-2012 - 9:38am
Hi SoGlad, I'm right behind you timewise and the the SexFog has also lifted with DH. While my experience was not the same as yours in that sex with AP WAS amazing for me, one similarity is that xAP also needed "a little help from his friends" in bringing down the house. I didn't mind as DH is the opposite, a one-man band who barely needed me. Interesting, all of the combinations!
So my AHa moments about why the A wouldn't have worked are not based on differences between us or fantasies unmasked, but more on what I would have given up to be with him. Daily now i am reminded of the life I have, the long M, my friends, my children, all of which I would have had to walk away from. That, and the real knowledge that a relationship that is based on deceit would always be in question, and have a slightly untrustworthy feel to it = AHA!!!