had to be done, but so hard...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
had to be done, but so hard...
12
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 4:28pm

Hey ladies (and gents, if you're out there too...)

I just took a much needed, though incredibly painful step. I know it took me some time...but, I finally deleted the email account that I used pretty much for him/us, and took him off FB. He wasn't particularly active on FB, but the temptation to 'check' was just too much.
I know I needed to, I know it is a step forward...but it hurts so bad. I guess that's the 'finality' talking...oh, I hurt...it's almost as bad as the 'ending day' when the rug was ripped out from underneath me...I don't have much to say other than I'm hurt, and I'm sad, and I'm confused...and I sure could use some hugs!
Thank you
((hugs))

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 4:34pm

Hi wc,

I don't have much to offer, because today is just day 1 for me and i am a newbie. But i just wanted you to know that I understand your hurt and I wanted to pass on a ((((((((hug)))))))))))).

Feel proud that you did something so good for yourself, something that took a great deal of strength. I congratulate you on it- well done!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 5:02pm
Thank you for the hugs. I know that it was 'good for me' and took a lot of strength...boy did it ever. But still, there's the feeling of sadness, feeling kind of 'numb', and just drained in general.
But, since today is day 1 for you, here's some hugs as well! (((HUGS!)))
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2010
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 5:09pm
Well done fem
i deleted all my emails a week ago. and have NO regrets..... re reading them all doesnt help especially after the dynamics of xA change, so whats the point..... keep moving forward day by day - i know that is a huge step for you and you wont regret it...
..... i need to work on my ipod next.....cant listen to it at present, but cant delete some playlists either..although i have set up a new 'invigourating and empowering one to help push things along.... :)

Life is too Short ... A. since Mar 29th 2009

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 5:40pm
The drained feeling, I know that one. Thank you for the returned hug :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 7:51pm

Hugs to you too-- going on end of day 7 for me. BUT will have to have LC with work next week,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 8:01pm

lilolita - thank you! And hugs to you!

He was a shadow something, but no 'shadow husband' because I'm not M, I'm S(xAP was a MM). So, sometimes I feel a bit 'odd' (though never alone! :p) here in the sense that while almost all of us got involved with a MM, it seems that most people are M as well (Iddy - I know you weren't!).
I sure did invest a lot...mostly emotional support (LD, so it was more of an EA than a PA) and being a 24/7 'armchair therapist', sounding board, confidant. Well, I'm sure you get the picture ;)

I do take it one day at a time, and most days it's one moment at a time! It's really hard, most days and moments. But, I do think back on the A and how many times I felt left in the lurch, that he wasn't there when I needed. And how I should kick myself for ever expecting that he could or should be in the first place! I know it's 'me' I have to work on, I'm the only thing I can work on! But, as you say, the pain will ebb and flow...and I'll let it. I won't bottle it up, I'll feel it and learn from it. I hope we all do, at least that way something productive can come out of this pain (unlike the pain of the A, which nothing productive could come of it)
((hugs))

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 8:16pm

I am telling you WC, the talking outloud really helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 8:44pm

kitty Pictures, Images and Photos


So Wcfem, you deserve a great big hug...as well as a round of cheers from your fans!

 

~TTS

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 9:40pm

TTS - thank you! But can I say, that hug picture and your words totally made me bawl! But then, I suppose I'm in a bit of a 'crying mood' at the moment anyway. And, the crying was a mix of 'happy/thank you' tears, as well as some...well, just tears from being hurt/sad...and tired. Whooboy, tired. Still, thank you. It means a lot to hear that, really helps to pull me through when I'm feeling low/stuck in the dark.

Lil - I will try that! I have some neighbours upstairs, I doubt they'll hear me. I do have a dog, so he may just tilt his head to the side all confused-like (and then run around all excited because he'll think I'm talking to him...silly dog!). I see what you mean though, talking gets it out rather than just thinking on it. Besides, I'm none too worried about seeming 'odd' anyway, so that's alright ;)

((hugs for you both)) and many thanks as well!

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 2:42am

WC,

Here ya go ((((HUG)))))

Big step today, good for you! Baby steps and big steps...steps forward are so good, though hurt so badly at the moment.

It's the mid of the night and I'm brain-dead after living through today...just wanted to reach out to you. Let us know how you are doing tomorrow, k?

Hugs (again),
Misty

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