Had a bitter-sweet day...NEED hugs!
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:11pm |
I never told my story on here. Actually I came to this board AFTER I ended my 4 year affair. BUT, I will briefly set the stage because it's a scene out of "Twilight Zone" and I would have bet my first born that it would have never played out.
I ended my 4 year affair in May. I never gave an explanation because XMM and I had always agreed that if one of us wanted out, so be it. No discussion. So, I took him at his word and one day said, "No married man will ever touch me again." WOW! Now, wouldn't any NORMAL man (human ?) have at least exclaimed, "Say What?" Not my XMM. It was a silent acceptance that until TODAY went without explanation. Ok, respect or denial? I still wonder....
Anyway, HE is my boss. We have worked together for 15 years. We became intimate Dec.,2000 ,after 10 years of never crossing the line. Once we became lovers, we have both experienced MANY ups and downs company wise,( finanacial) family wise (illnesses and deaths) and whatever wise.... but the road always reconnected us.
TODAY, out of the frig'n blue (4 months after I withdrew privileges) he wants to talk about it. The good news is that I am so far removed, I could handle it. The bad news is, he had tears in his eyes and actually choked on some of his words. The evening news...
IT JUST SLAMMED INTO HER LIKE HURRICANE FRANCES :(
We talked about everything. (I have been avoiding this from day ONE). He wanted to know how I am doing. He wanted to know if I'm OK. He wanted to know if his not being in the office would make it easier on me. WHAT? Yeah, that'all I could say. "What? After 4 months of this HELL you want to know if I'm OK?" Well....I didn't say that because I REFUSE TO FEED HIS EGO but I DID say, "Why are you asking me this now after 4 months?" His answer, "Because I have been under tremendous stress wondering if you are alright. I know how strong you are. I didn't want to invade your space and/or decisions. I was hoping you would have said something to me by now. You never did, so I am concerned. I care."
WTF????? Then I let him have it. It went on for 1/2 an hour. I never lost my composure though, said everything in a calm, like talking to a 10 year old, voice and basically told him that the first 2 months were HELL, I HATED YOU, I HATED the lies, the deceit, the betrayal that we were doing to your wife and family, I HATED being your "On-CALL Sl*t", I HATED how something I thought was beautiful had turned into slime and disgust, and "YES, I am alright!!!!!" He sat there with the saddest face I have ever seen, (no, on second thought I think my sons looked that way when I told them NEVER have sex unless you are serious about the girl :)
BUT here is the "CLIMAX" (appropriate word, don't ya think?) of our conversation. I mustered up the nerve to ask him, " Have you finally comes to terms with the fact that what we did was WRONG????) He didn't even hesitate...."I always thought it was wrong." THAT clinched the scene (take I) for me. For a man that always sputtered when I asked him if he was feeling guilty and ALWAYS muttered, "I don't want to think about it," THIS admission was a GODSEND. THIS was a major admission. Then when I said, "I ended this for both of us. The innocent were going to suffer eventually if we didn't stop being selfish and stupid."
We did NOT talk about the affair. We did NOT rehash those golden (egg) moments. NO WAY was I going to let the conversation stray back to the good old days. I even told him that I have edited our 15 year relationship, and 4 years are missing." :) Nixon was probably turning over in his grave!!
So, the ONLY reason I am rambling on about all of this is to let you all know that NC IS the best policy in MOST situations. In my case, I had no choice. I was NOT going to give up health benefits, yearly raises, 401(K), life insurance annuity, $2000 of yearly dental, $2500 of XMAS bouns, because I had read NC was the best policy. What I did instead, was END it cold turkey, live each day with survival in mind, play by my NEW set of rules, NEVER offer up any explanation as to why it was over, regained my dignity and integrity BY MYSELF (with help from these boards) and NEVER expected HIM to say what he said today...."I'm sorry." He actually said this. "I'm and so sorry if I ever hurt you."
So, right now I am a little wobbly. It was definately a jolt to the equilibrium. My pillars have swayed, but are now readjusted for better leverage. I just wanted to share with all of you that even though I have vomited (mentally) many times with what this affair did to me, that XMM is also human (some of them are anyway) and have THEIR moments too.
God speed everyone....
~True~
PS - He also uttered, as he was walking out of the door, " You have a friend for life."Ah---Gee....wish he hadn't said that, because doesn't eveyone say, "You can't be friends?"
Don't worry....I did not respond to that comment because I DO NOT feel the same way. Just wonder though, is this one of those exception to the rule thingies?" (or is it more like, "Will you respect me in the morning?" Hah! Your comments are welcomed.
Edited 9/14/2004 8:40 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

Pages
Keep on that positive road, tomorrow is a new day.
TCOM
Your talk with XMM will surely bring up lots of emotions, even if you've had 4 months to process the ending of the affair. In time you will probably be grateful for the closure, but in the meantime, be gentle with yourself. I hope you can find some space in your life to deal with the emotions, 'cuz you'll probably have to go through a lot of them again after today's events. We all know that roller coaster - two steps forward, one step back - anger, heartbreak, humiliation, relief, shame, emptiness, etc. etc. For me, it really helps to wipe myself out physically with a grueling climb or mountain bike ride; but I'm sure you know by now what you need to do for yourself. Get out there and do it, girl!
You ARE a pillar of strength - I cannot imagine how you made it through the past 4 months working with him. You HAVE done the right thing - and sound like you'll stick with it. And you WILL get this behind you. But it's OK to lean on your cyberfriends here, too -even a pillar of strength needs shoring up sometimes! So let me be the first to give you a HUMONGOUS ((((((((((HHHHHUUUUUGGGGG!!!!!)))))))))) because you sure deserve it!
My thoughts are with you tonight-
mtnsweetheart
"Just wonder though, is this one of those exception to the rule thingies?" (or is it more like, "Will you respect me in the morning?" Hah! Your comments are welcomed."
No it is not, this may just be an opening move in an attempt to soften your position (meaning your heart), you need to be more on guard now and less receptive to any more chats, if he sees a weakness you can expect it to be exploited.
Even if he is not running a new game on you it is all to easy to backslide if you attempt to be buddies.
True what I am saying is intended to be different from any other responses you get to maybe shake you out of any warm and fuzzy feelings that turn up in your heart.
Don't lower your guard
Free
(((He probably has already realized by now that he has lost a precious person in his life. )))))
He's a man sweetie. Do they ever realise? Well, on the slim chance that he has, I will take the tears in his today as validation.
Thank you so much for your much wanted words. Tomorrow IS another day. Back to the drawing board...."Ok, where is that suit of armor?"
~True~
(((((We all know that roller coaster - two steps forward, one step back - anger, heartbreak, humiliation, relief, shame, emptiness, etc.))))
You guester chester....:) And here I thought that all that *stuff* was behind me. Well, it was until today. I was the rock of Gilbralter until the idiot made me crumble. ONLY, he never saw it. NEVER will. I am looking out for #1.
(((((I hope you can find some space in your life to deal with the emotions, 'cuz you'll probably have to go through a lot of them again after today's events.)))))
YOU, my dear are a very wise woman. I already am. I liked the NC while we saw each other every day. I knew the ease of it all would cumble in time. BUT, I made myself extremely clear that I WAS not happy with who we had become, that my label on "EVIL" had expired, and that WE can help each other to remain strong (since he was having an overt problem with FINALLY fessing up.) Ah....the wonders of the world. Now there are 8 :) To see a man squirming from the truth is something I would have NEVER bet the farm on.
(((((But it's OK to lean on your cyberfriends here, too -even a pillar of strength needs shoring up sometimes! So let me be the first to give you a HUMONGOUS))))
I knew I could count on you guys. (blowing my nose now). Thank you, thank you, thank you.
~True~
(((Don't lower your guard ))))
Not to worry, my dear. No guard has been lowered. His words today only did ONE thing. He showed that he is human and for so long now I thought he was evil personafied. I thought he had excused his 4 year behavior as "Bummer, she caught on to me." Just the fact that I laid it all out, after 4 months, that we had made a HUGE mistake, that I have emotionally removed myself from the tenacles of that mistake, made him realise that there is NO turning back.
We even discussed the NC thing, that this is how WE woman can only move on, and that I have defied this rule, because my job is more important than he is. Know what he said?
"I think you are wrong. I would think being friends is most important." I laughed and said, "Like I expressed earlier, men think differently than women. We get FAR more evolved. For a man it is just the sex and easy to walk away from, for a woman....well, she becomes invested. WE are just different. It satisfies me to hear how you guys see it. It only reinforces my beliefs that we ARE from different plantets. I am doing what I have to do. I am telling you that what you think is NOT how it is. I am coming into work everyday because YOU DA Boss, and you sign my paychecks!!! I will give this company 100% but I have nothing left to give you, comprendo?"
Honestly? I think HE is the one hurting right now. To boldface tell him that he will NEVER touch me again was a kick in the balls, MAGNIFIED. I am sure he wanted a far more different play by play response. I was tough, almost heartless. I think tonight HE is hurting.....Oh WELL.
Keep the faith in me, as I am.
~True~
PS> Free, I don't know you from Adam, but I love you very much. Thank you.
((((As far as the friendship thing, I'm normally one to point out the near impossibility of remaining friends))))
I totally agree. I pointed out a scenario to him today. I said, "Let's suppose my house was broken into and I called you needing you here. If we were still lovers, you would say dial 911." Why? Because the guilt facter is lingering in your mind. IOW, your wouldn't come. BUT, if we are truly just friends, (Before the affair), you would come at the drop of a dime. So.....
NOW you say I have a friend for life. Does that mean (because we stopped the intimacy) you would be over in a New York minute? His answer was "Yes."
I laughed, and said "You are so full of Sh*t!"
See how different circumstances produce different results? God, they are so full of it.
(((( but I do believe that if neither one of you tries to force the friendship aspect it may evolve naturally))))
Ya know, I have read ALL of your posts. I know how the friendship thing has not worked out for you. I basically don't think it can for me either, regardless of how a MAN thinks. BUT, he is the one who proclaimed this "Friend for life cacapoo. Not me. I know better. It ain't gonna happen. :)
Thanks for your vote of confidence, and lady, I am SO PROUD of you. I know how hard it was for you. I READ every post on here. Thank you.
~True~
You do not know me for I have only been lurking but I wanted to give ya a hug too. Is that ok? I've been reading your posts to all your friends offering comfort and support I see a very strong individual and I wish I had the strength you possess. Hang in there. Take it one day at a time I wish you the best =)
I very, very seldom give these out but {{{{{huggles}}}}}.
I'm only 9mos post EMA, but this is a gianormous step. Letting go of the "anger shield" is amazingly empowering. It also signifies that you are feeling strong enough in YOURSELF to be able to drop it.
I read the most amazing description of an EMA on All Sides recently. As profound statements usually are, it was short & sweet. "An unhealthy part of me was attracted to something unhealthy in someone else." No side-stepping, no deflection, no more need for or either of those things. Just plain, simple truth.
You already know that he'll likely look for another opening at some point (possibly when he begins to thaw from that icy cold shoulder of yours LMAO!) and it's no news to you that you can only be responsible for your own actions.
Your posts inspire many of us - lurkers and posters alike. Continue to be true to yourself and you have absolutely nothing to fear, honey.
We're here when you need us, and often when ya don't.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Pages