Had a bitter-sweet day...NEED hugs!
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| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:11pm |
I never told my story on here. Actually I came to this board AFTER I ended my 4 year affair. BUT, I will briefly set the stage because it's a scene out of "Twilight Zone" and I would have bet my first born that it would have never played out.
I ended my 4 year affair in May. I never gave an explanation because XMM and I had always agreed that if one of us wanted out, so be it. No discussion. So, I took him at his word and one day said, "No married man will ever touch me again." WOW! Now, wouldn't any NORMAL man (human ?) have at least exclaimed, "Say What?" Not my XMM. It was a silent acceptance that until TODAY went without explanation. Ok, respect or denial? I still wonder....
Anyway, HE is my boss. We have worked together for 15 years. We became intimate Dec.,2000 ,after 10 years of never crossing the line. Once we became lovers, we have both experienced MANY ups and downs company wise,( finanacial) family wise (illnesses and deaths) and whatever wise.... but the road always reconnected us.
TODAY, out of the frig'n blue (4 months after I withdrew privileges) he wants to talk about it. The good news is that I am so far removed, I could handle it. The bad news is, he had tears in his eyes and actually choked on some of his words. The evening news...
IT JUST SLAMMED INTO HER LIKE HURRICANE FRANCES :(
We talked about everything. (I have been avoiding this from day ONE). He wanted to know how I am doing. He wanted to know if I'm OK. He wanted to know if his not being in the office would make it easier on me. WHAT? Yeah, that'all I could say. "What? After 4 months of this HELL you want to know if I'm OK?" Well....I didn't say that because I REFUSE TO FEED HIS EGO but I DID say, "Why are you asking me this now after 4 months?" His answer, "Because I have been under tremendous stress wondering if you are alright. I know how strong you are. I didn't want to invade your space and/or decisions. I was hoping you would have said something to me by now. You never did, so I am concerned. I care."
WTF????? Then I let him have it. It went on for 1/2 an hour. I never lost my composure though, said everything in a calm, like talking to a 10 year old, voice and basically told him that the first 2 months were HELL, I HATED YOU, I HATED the lies, the deceit, the betrayal that we were doing to your wife and family, I HATED being your "On-CALL Sl*t", I HATED how something I thought was beautiful had turned into slime and disgust, and "YES, I am alright!!!!!" He sat there with the saddest face I have ever seen, (no, on second thought I think my sons looked that way when I told them NEVER have sex unless you are serious about the girl :)
BUT here is the "CLIMAX" (appropriate word, don't ya think?) of our conversation. I mustered up the nerve to ask him, " Have you finally comes to terms with the fact that what we did was WRONG????) He didn't even hesitate...."I always thought it was wrong." THAT clinched the scene (take I) for me. For a man that always sputtered when I asked him if he was feeling guilty and ALWAYS muttered, "I don't want to think about it," THIS admission was a GODSEND. THIS was a major admission. Then when I said, "I ended this for both of us. The innocent were going to suffer eventually if we didn't stop being selfish and stupid."
We did NOT talk about the affair. We did NOT rehash those golden (egg) moments. NO WAY was I going to let the conversation stray back to the good old days. I even told him that I have edited our 15 year relationship, and 4 years are missing." :) Nixon was probably turning over in his grave!!
So, the ONLY reason I am rambling on about all of this is to let you all know that NC IS the best policy in MOST situations. In my case, I had no choice. I was NOT going to give up health benefits, yearly raises, 401(K), life insurance annuity, $2000 of yearly dental, $2500 of XMAS bouns, because I had read NC was the best policy. What I did instead, was END it cold turkey, live each day with survival in mind, play by my NEW set of rules, NEVER offer up any explanation as to why it was over, regained my dignity and integrity BY MYSELF (with help from these boards) and NEVER expected HIM to say what he said today...."I'm sorry." He actually said this. "I'm and so sorry if I ever hurt you."
So, right now I am a little wobbly. It was definately a jolt to the equilibrium. My pillars have swayed, but are now readjusted for better leverage. I just wanted to share with all of you that even though I have vomited (mentally) many times with what this affair did to me, that XMM is also human (some of them are anyway) and have THEIR moments too.
God speed everyone....
~True~
PS - He also uttered, as he was walking out of the door, " You have a friend for life."Ah---Gee....wish he hadn't said that, because doesn't eveyone say, "You can't be friends?"
Don't worry....I did not respond to that comment because I DO NOT feel the same way. Just wonder though, is this one of those exception to the rule thingies?" (or is it more like, "Will you respect me in the morning?" Hah! Your comments are welcomed.
Edited 9/14/2004 8:40 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

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I was also in an A for 3.5 years with a good "friend" - I also ended it abruptly & completely one day and never looked back. BUT I don't see him. We live in big city & never ever ran into each other truly on accident. Even now, if I see him driving by, I know it's due to effort on his part.
The breakup was 18 mos. ago & it still shakes me to see him, even at a distance. the final time he appeared, we were in the same grocery line for about 15 minutes (I'm positive this was no accident on his part) but I smiled & nodded and kept talking to the cashier. I was shaking. I was terrified he would try to talk to me, though I'm not sure why it felt so scary. Since then, he's gone back where he belongs & I'm relieved every day that I know he's gone away.
So anyway, you are AMAZING!! You feel shaky because it was like facing your inner demons as well as him. I don't know anyone who could have faced that situation with composure and maturity so soon after your affair ended.
Keep your chin up and keep doing a good job. Be true to yourself as your name says. You are great and I salute you!! so feel a little woozy but be so proud of yourself. I sure am.
I'm glad he said the good stuff - even though that makes it tougher! It is easier to hate them!
I hope you keep posting here because your words are so strong and encouraging! Thanks for sharing and I hope you feel really good about yourself! You should!
-lazy
First I just want to let you know that although I've received an enormous amount of insight and support from this board, that the words I have read in all of the posts you specifically made have been the most right on, with-it, and solid-as-a-rock smart. You have incredible depth and understanding of the human psyche, and you are an amazing woman who must have raised some pretty incredible sons. Good for you, and thanks for sharing your story.
You've helped me make some hard decisions lately (you and the rest of the folks here) and I appreciate that. I'll post my plan of action in another post, but I wanted to tell you that I wish I knew you in the flesh, because you'd be a rock-solid friend to have around every day.
ALL of you have been my strength. I don't know where I'd be right now without your insights, your humor, and yes....even the pain we have all shared. Sometimes I think how cool it would be to form a unique club where we could meet, vent, hug and slap five. We could call it the FU CLub or the BITE ME Buddies...((((WINK)))).
Today's a new day and I am back on the saddle again, digging my spurs into the sides of life... (((HEE-HAW, GIDDY UP))))
Thanks for all of the hugs and support. You guys rock!!
~True~
"you need more than hugs - you need a night out with the girls!"
I second that!!
That is HUGE! I am so proud of you for the way you handled it. You were, and still are a pillar or strength. You handled it with dignity and honesty. And you finally got some closure from it, I'm guessing. That's fantastic. I know the wobbly feeling- I get it toow when I see OM at work- can't imagine how it would feel after an encounter like that! I think you'd have to mop me up off the floor! HUGE HUGS FOR YOU TODAY! Finally a turning point for you! You are almost there, girl!
Lots of Love and Hugs,
Lily
((((I think you'd have to mop me up off the floor)))) Hah!
At my age, wearing "depends" would have been a good idea.... ;)
Love and hugs back atcha!
~True~
I just wanted to tell you again how proud of you I am. Your strength and conviction is such an inspiration!!! And you're right, it IS a new day! I'm with ya! Lets all be proud of ourselves for what we've accomplished- whether it be like True's kick-ass way of dealing with her situation, deleting old emails, celebrating one more day of NC, or just making the decision to come to this board to try to gain strength. We are ALL on the right track!
I love the idea of all of us getting together for a "F-U Party!" Since I first stumbled upon this board, I have wished many times that all of you were sittting in my living room with me drinking wine and sharing strength! I have never met any of you, but I love you all and consider you friends.
Love, Lily
OK, which one of you ladies is an even planner? We should all coordinate an evening where we'll be in front of our puters at the same time and start a thread called: VENT or LET IT HANG OUT and just build up a ton of goofy, let your hair down, posts. It certainly would be theraputic, don't ya think?
Ok, who wants to plan the FU get-to-gether? Hehehee
~True~
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