Had a bitter-sweet day...NEED hugs!
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| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:11pm |
I never told my story on here. Actually I came to this board AFTER I ended my 4 year affair. BUT, I will briefly set the stage because it's a scene out of "Twilight Zone" and I would have bet my first born that it would have never played out.
I ended my 4 year affair in May. I never gave an explanation because XMM and I had always agreed that if one of us wanted out, so be it. No discussion. So, I took him at his word and one day said, "No married man will ever touch me again." WOW! Now, wouldn't any NORMAL man (human ?) have at least exclaimed, "Say What?" Not my XMM. It was a silent acceptance that until TODAY went without explanation. Ok, respect or denial? I still wonder....
Anyway, HE is my boss. We have worked together for 15 years. We became intimate Dec.,2000 ,after 10 years of never crossing the line. Once we became lovers, we have both experienced MANY ups and downs company wise,( finanacial) family wise (illnesses and deaths) and whatever wise.... but the road always reconnected us.
TODAY, out of the frig'n blue (4 months after I withdrew privileges) he wants to talk about it. The good news is that I am so far removed, I could handle it. The bad news is, he had tears in his eyes and actually choked on some of his words. The evening news...
IT JUST SLAMMED INTO HER LIKE HURRICANE FRANCES :(
We talked about everything. (I have been avoiding this from day ONE). He wanted to know how I am doing. He wanted to know if I'm OK. He wanted to know if his not being in the office would make it easier on me. WHAT? Yeah, that'all I could say. "What? After 4 months of this HELL you want to know if I'm OK?" Well....I didn't say that because I REFUSE TO FEED HIS EGO but I DID say, "Why are you asking me this now after 4 months?" His answer, "Because I have been under tremendous stress wondering if you are alright. I know how strong you are. I didn't want to invade your space and/or decisions. I was hoping you would have said something to me by now. You never did, so I am concerned. I care."
WTF????? Then I let him have it. It went on for 1/2 an hour. I never lost my composure though, said everything in a calm, like talking to a 10 year old, voice and basically told him that the first 2 months were HELL, I HATED YOU, I HATED the lies, the deceit, the betrayal that we were doing to your wife and family, I HATED being your "On-CALL Sl*t", I HATED how something I thought was beautiful had turned into slime and disgust, and "YES, I am alright!!!!!" He sat there with the saddest face I have ever seen, (no, on second thought I think my sons looked that way when I told them NEVER have sex unless you are serious about the girl :)
BUT here is the "CLIMAX" (appropriate word, don't ya think?) of our conversation. I mustered up the nerve to ask him, " Have you finally comes to terms with the fact that what we did was WRONG????) He didn't even hesitate...."I always thought it was wrong." THAT clinched the scene (take I) for me. For a man that always sputtered when I asked him if he was feeling guilty and ALWAYS muttered, "I don't want to think about it," THIS admission was a GODSEND. THIS was a major admission. Then when I said, "I ended this for both of us. The innocent were going to suffer eventually if we didn't stop being selfish and stupid."
We did NOT talk about the affair. We did NOT rehash those golden (egg) moments. NO WAY was I going to let the conversation stray back to the good old days. I even told him that I have edited our 15 year relationship, and 4 years are missing." :) Nixon was probably turning over in his grave!!
So, the ONLY reason I am rambling on about all of this is to let you all know that NC IS the best policy in MOST situations. In my case, I had no choice. I was NOT going to give up health benefits, yearly raises, 401(K), life insurance annuity, $2000 of yearly dental, $2500 of XMAS bouns, because I had read NC was the best policy. What I did instead, was END it cold turkey, live each day with survival in mind, play by my NEW set of rules, NEVER offer up any explanation as to why it was over, regained my dignity and integrity BY MYSELF (with help from these boards) and NEVER expected HIM to say what he said today...."I'm sorry." He actually said this. "I'm and so sorry if I ever hurt you."
So, right now I am a little wobbly. It was definately a jolt to the equilibrium. My pillars have swayed, but are now readjusted for better leverage. I just wanted to share with all of you that even though I have vomited (mentally) many times with what this affair did to me, that XMM is also human (some of them are anyway) and have THEIR moments too.
God speed everyone....
~True~
PS - He also uttered, as he was walking out of the door, " You have a friend for life."Ah---Gee....wish he hadn't said that, because doesn't eveyone say, "You can't be friends?"
Don't worry....I did not respond to that comment because I DO NOT feel the same way. Just wonder though, is this one of those exception to the rule thingies?" (or is it more like, "Will you respect me in the morning?" Hah! Your comments are welcomed.
Edited 9/14/2004 8:40 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

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I have been very busy the past few days and just now read your posting. Oh, what an emotional trip that must have been. Your situation in your office is much like mine in that I cannot afford literally, to give up years of seniority to achieve NC with XMM and I'm trying it just as you have, by the "just say no" policy and it has been successful for five weeks and a couple of days now. YOu have been a great help to me through some of your advice and I just wanted to let you know that I read this posting of yours and you have huggs from me to you. I know it had to be really tough to see him be so humble and to hear him say all that he said today, but sounds like you will be all right.
My hope in my situation is that XMM has applied for a job outside our office and has had an interview for it already. That would achieve the Nc that will make my situation perhaps a little easier than yours has been.
Hang in there.
IP
Thanks for those hugs. ( I was hoping to hear from you) I've been a little down since the BIG event, but I figure a few more days will iron out the kinks.
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It was. I didn't really feel the brunt of it until yesterday evening. I had NEVER thought out such a scenario happening. When you've convinced yourself that they are the slime of the earth, it's difficult to have to confront a human being under all of that goop. ;)
He now has this sadness behind his eyes which leaves me to believe he was still hanging out for some hope that the ice queen would have melted by now. Oh well, how many of us ladies hung onto such hope with these men? And where did that get us???
Anyway, as I tell everyone on this board who is having a bad moment, day or month....
THIS TO SHALL PASS! I'll get over it. He'll get over it and it's all good, right?
~True~
Yes, True, It IS all good! Definately!
If you could survive this, you can survive anything. Thanks for being so strong and showing us it's possible. You are an amazing example.
Oh, yeah. It's all good. We're doing the best we can and doing what is right.
I have been back and forth on this board and you are truly a "pillar of strength". A true inspiration for many coming here. I waiver much too often. One day feeling strong and when I feel weak. Its like all my senses go out the window. Its amazing what these A's do to our minds, logic, sense, intelligence, emotions.
I have totally humiliated myself by looking so pathetic to this OM. I look at someone like you and you are my inspiration that I too can be STRONG!
I personally love the FU club!! Where do I sign up??? LOL. I too used to think how great would it be to be able to all meet and find personal strength from one another. What always amazes me is that so many of the ladies that have found their way here are truly intelligent. Scary huh? Scary how these affairs of the heart turn our brains and logic into mush.
I am hoping that I can have an ounce of your strength to continue the NC and stop looking like a fool.
Sending you big HUGS! Hope you are feeling well today!! Please know that your words of wisdom, strength, encouragement, sense of humor helps many people get through some rough days. Thank you.....
xo.
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