Had enough regection - done with him
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| Thu, 11-18-2004 - 6:08pm |
I am tired of waiting for the call that never comes.
I am sick of the sorrow of wanting someone who can so easily tell me he wants to be with me - but will not file for a D until his W "is ready"....he is full of crap.
I am glad that he is doing "Horrible" - he is weak and it is easier to do nothing than to fix his life.
I will try to think of myself and what I am doing rather than wonder what he is doing.
If I start to miss him - I will remember that he knows how I am feeling and he has shown me that he does not care about my feelings.
If I answer my cell phone and it is him calling from a payphone (I DOUBT IT!!) - I will tell him that I would love to be with him once he has filed for a divorce - and that all the drama that has unfolded in his life should no longer be a part of mine because he has made the choice to not be with me while we are still married. He has to deal with it alone now.
When we are at functions at our friends houses and NC is not possible - I will not act sad or give "looks" of any kind. I will be normal and hang out with one of the closer friends I have in our group - all the time knowing that I am 10 steps ahead of him - H and I are filing after the holidays and I will survive and I will grow. I will have found peace before he can ever have a "I feel good today" feeling.
He will live in grief and guilt and have a psycho W that berates him at any given moment -and he will never really know when she will go off. That is what he has chosen.
I am beautiful inside and out, I am smart, I am successful and I never would have thought that I would ever feel regection, I have never been "let go" before........but I am glad that I have, because I know better now, and in the future when I love again I will be smarter......I know that I would never treat anyone the way I have treated all involved in our having an A....AGAIN.
I will forgive myself - and I will forgive him for the wrong we have done to others and to ourselves by having the A. BUT I dont have to forgive him for all the loving things he said to me that I now believe were not true. If he ever again tells me that he is doing horrible and misses me in anyway..........I will tell him that that I dont care to think about us right now, I am sorry but now it is his problem that he is missing me and everything is terrible and that he knows the way to fix that - until then, I just cant care about how he feels about me - but I wish him well.
LOL
Lets see how I feel tomorrow!!

Hey Annakarena,
I know how your feeling. I probably be writting my own statement as you did, lol sooner or later. My mind changes frequently about M.
I decided If my M doesn't call me- then I guess that means it the final end. Which it's really best anyways, because that what I wanted last Friday when I ended it right? AAAWWWW :o(
If you take a look at my other posts you will see what I'm talking about. It has been very difficult for me. Tomorrow I'm dreading any contact with him, I hate to say this, but I know I will be next the phone tomorrow like a dum A&%@ excuse my expression. I just feel awful today, depressed and insecure. I feel fat, haven't fix myself lately since the brake apart, I just haven't cared for myself. I ate today a whole gallon of ICE CREAM, I know, I'm a shame of myself as it is. I usually on my tippee toes on looking good~~~.
Well, you seem to have everything under control and know what you want, that a good thing.
Here a song that may give you a little more of a boost! Listen or watch the new video from: Kelly Clarkson "Since you've been gone."
http://music.channel.aol.com/artist/main.adp?_pgtyp=pdct&artistid=542180
No - I want a life with xMM
but we both know we have to deal with our own issues.......and we faced a HUGE risk of getting caught again.......only this time if we got caught, all our friends would turn away from him and I, my H could loose control and hurt him, and his W....well she is nuts anyway have you read my posts!!)
I am trying to be strong for me - I have spent the past 6 days in misery - constant crying, not eating, I know it sounds dramatic, but I felt like I am dying.
No one can help me but me. Therapy helps to get out the feelings and words, but it wont make him call me or ask me to see him.
I have to face reality. He cared very much, he lived with me in secret for almost 3 months....his W was on our tail.....he spends Sundays of football season with my H....and the guilt was too strong.....stronger than he want for me.
If he really really wants to be with me - he will find a way to file for a D....sooner than later....he wants to help her find a reason to live and be happy without him...whatever....I think that its crap. file or dont
What good does it do to pine over someone who wont or cant be with you.......we are married to other people.
Actions will prove his emotions for me............nothing else
Stay strong...!!!
Dear Anna:
I am so sorry for your pain. I am sorry you feel like dying and can't eat. I have felt the same. I would wake up every morning nauseated. Still haven't gained the weight back and I don't really like being this skinny.
My XMM never left his W for me after I left my H. He would always say bear with me, don't let go, we will be together someday. But he took no ACTIONS for me. He did take ACTIONS for his W. He has been going to M counseling with her now for over one year once a week. He bought a new house worth twice what his old house was worth. He bought her a new car. (He told her about the A and tried to leave her but she laid a TON of Catholic guilt on him especially re: the kids) If you think it is hard for MM to leave now, wait til his W finds out believe me she will Scare the living daylights out of him.
But he still has been contacting me (despite supposedly rebuilding) ONLY FOR ME TO COMFORT HIM. Not to start a REAL life with me. He doesn't want to live his life with me. He doesn't want to leave his situation. He just wants ME TO MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD WHEN IT IS CONVENIENT FOR HIM When he is in pain--who cares about all the days I was in pain--did he ever want to comfort me? Hell no
Your MM is selfish and his love isn't about wanting you to be happy and being there for you. It is about you making him happy. It is not their fault--the A situation makes it have to be like that.
Walk away. Comfort yourself. Get comfort from your real friends. He will only keep hurting you.
Survive
I promise you it does get better. Read my last post.We truly wanted to be together and had plans to do so but when reality hit we just couldn't do it. My XMM once used an example to explain what he is going through. He had hail damage to his roof on his house and needed to replace it. Most everyone in the neighborhood called their insurance carriers to get a new roof. He wanted to so bad but just didn't have the b@lls to do it. He knew it would be alot better and what he needed to do to be happy but just has chilckened out. I agree and that I think men do not want to rock the boat. If everything in their family is okay despite he may love someone else then he will choose to stay there with them. Alot men feel obligated to provide for their families and be there for their children no matter if that is not what they truly want. My XMM used to tell me about this song that reminds him of his situation with me. It could apply to alot of these XMM. Its really kinda sad.
Holding Her And Loving You
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It's the third hardest thing i'll ever do
Leaving here without you
And the second hardest thing i'll ever do
Is telling her about you
She's been good to me
When things were going rough
How can i tell her now
That good ain't good enough
The hardest thing i'll ever have to do
Is holding her and loving you
If she'd give me one good reason i'd be gone
But she ain't done one thing wrong
So don't expect me just to walk out of the door
I still love her but i love you more
She's been good to me
When things weren't going right
She made my days
Long before you made my nights
The hardest thing i'll ever have to do
Is holding her and loving you
Yeah the hardest thing i'll ever have to do
Is holding her, loving you
Girl the hardest thing i'll ever have to do
Is holding her, loving you
Thank goodness neither of us has children.
Still, how in the hell can he say the thing he said on Friday - and then never get back in touch with me after all the drama that unfolded last week.
All I can think is that I said something that pissed him off...." what we had was real, that is why we miss eachother...Yes, I would love to hold you..."
I think that he cant hear it.
And most times now, I think he stopped caring - he has commented before that he feels upset that he does not call or has not seen me - "its difficult" he says....
OH GOD help me I want to call and tell him that he has treated me cruel...and I deserved at least a call to tell me that we would not have anymore contact.
I HATE HIM
It's ok to hate him right now. You can't change how people are and you can't make them do certain things. Iv'e learned that. I'm sure he still cares for you and what he said is true but he has to find a way to deal with this on his own. If he is not calling its bc that is how he is handling the hurt and feelings going on with him. We (women) like to talk about things but men do not do that - they push it aside and move on to something else. Sure they are hurting and missing us but their pride and ego stands in their way. They have the mentality of saying "I will not let a women who is married to someone else have this hold over me". My h has explained some things to me on how they think when it comes to ending relationships.
Don't call him. He knows that he treated you badly and he knows that he hurt you but he is dealing with other things right now and you have to stay out of it. Maybe he feels that if he is going to get through this then he should not contact you. If you are contantly reminded of someone (calls,emails.seeing them) it does make it harder to get over them or deal with the situation with a clear head.
Yes - all those rational thoughts come into my head - I push them out and feel sorry for myself because all I care about right now is the fact that I think he does not care about me any longer. I feeling scared and sorry for myself. Stupid.
Even though he lied and cheated with me in having the A - he was adiment about being honest with me - he has never said "I love you"...he made no promise that we would have a life together later - only that he wants too...and how can he know how we would both feel once we do get D's and how long it could take...which is true - I could hate his guts or be D before him and find a new relationship??? who can tell the future.
He has said that he has an emence amount of love for me, wants to be with me but cant right now, can no longer continue to lie and hide.....though we are not coming out that we had an A - and ironicly he still is lying to his W about being with me....but if his W keeps saying "you talk to her every day...." he would not be lying when he says "no I am not".....
because he isn't.
I just wanted him to tell me that we had to not call anymore - I asked him that last week - and he said that would not make him feel good...........I said I could handle this better if I know that you wont call - I would not hold onto my cell every day thinking you will.........but he would not say that the calls would stop.
but they have.
I am off to my therapy right now........maybe I will feel better - maybe I wont.
Its up to me and right now - I am having the bigest pitty party I have ever had
Hang in there girl,
I had an affair with a MM, and I am also married and the affair lasted for 12 years. We got caught in Oct 2003....long story. He called me at work and told me he couldn't see me anymore.
But neither of us could let go. I turned 40 that year in Oct. 2003 when we got caught and I swore to myself that when I turn 41....I would not be living in this h*ll anymore.
After about 3 weeks we saw and talked daily to each other through Thanksgiving 2003....then he called me at work two days after Thanksgiving and said, "He couldn't see me anymore...too much guilt, his kids are grown, 36 and 31 he was married 36 years...I was the love of his life but he promised his kids he would stop seeing me". Control...I was at work and he knew I could not discuss the issue.
January 2004, he calls me again....and once again we start the affair right back over...nothing had changed when we were together, the passion, the love, the excitement...all those wonderful feelings. This time his W finds out he is still seeing and talking to me and kicks him out of the house. He is living at his office and we see each other everyday. Then Valentine's Day, we leave to go out of town for the night and he goes crazy. I had never seen him like that....I had to call the police from the hotel room, then call my H to drive 3 hours to pick me up. I didin't press charges but was left with bruises and was very ashamed coming home that I would be with such a person. The XMM denied everything, even though I have pictures to prove it. We went into no contact when he called me at work and said he couldn't see me anymore - the next week he had a heart blockage and had to have a stint put in...and low and behold...who was there to take care of him, his W. He found his ticket back into the house.
July, he started calling again...this time...I wasn't so stupid. Sex was off limits. I told him when he was D and I was D then we would see if we had a chance for a relationship. This lasted until my B-day in Oct. 2004. Three days before my B-day - he told me I was the love of his life and he was leaving his W, there was no hope for them. So, I tested him. I ask him to spend the next weekend with me away out of town since he said that he told her he was seeing me and talking to me. I knew he was lieing. I also knew I didn't feel the same way toward him. I had always told him that he could say good-bye when ever he wanted to but I would say good-bye when I was ready.
Well, on Saturday, I got a call ( another phone call ) saying he couldn't do it, then he wanted to hang up - no questions ask - no answers to give again. I told him to check his email. I had already said my good-byes that morning. And this time, I said everything last thing I wanted to say to him. He was only down the street at the gym and I told him if he didn't let me finish...I was driving down there and everyone would hear me. It was the first time I was in control of the situation.
I prayed really hard that morning for God to let me let go and sent the email. I just knew in my heart for the first time that the XMM was a coward, a cheat and a liar and always would be.
{the last paragragh of my email}
This is my final Good-bye. I told you I would know when I was ready. And after this last time - you tore my heart apart for the last time. Three times, you couldn't find the courage to tell me to my face, you call me on the phone. Three times, you say what you need to, but I didn't get any answers or get to ask questions. Three times you remain in charge of calling of off relationship. You said you had a wife at home who loves you...........that wife at home has also been your slave at home for the past 30 + years. You know I am not willing to be your slave or have you "own" me. You said time and time again, you felt you could never have me. You meant "own" me. That is not about love, that is control.
I am relieved at your choice. I can now move on with my life. I always believed my life would incude you, but time and time again.......you have showed me it would not.
Good Bye XMM ( name removed )
" What's that ole' saying - Do as I say , not I as I do "??? Run like heck...and don't make any decisions about a relationship with someone else while your still married. It never really works out. You never really know if your feelings are real, even though they may feel very real at the time. It took me 13 years to learn this lesson. It can go on for as long as you allow it too. I am just sorry it took me so long to see what kind of person XMM really was.
No contact is the only way to go. It hurts like crap but you will survive. Just don't give into those momentarily feelings, they will pass. 48 days and no contact...
BTW...my H and I are reconciling and I think it just may work out. He knows everything...I had to tell him so he would know who I am and where I have been the past 13 years. We have alot of catching up to do, but we are much more mature to handle the information now. We just celebrated our 24 anniversary.
Take care and I hope I have helped you see that affairs are just that...affairs.
Lillsilly
Edited 11/19/2004 10:04 pm ET ET by lillsilly