had a one night stand on rebound from OM
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| Sun, 10-17-2004 - 5:51pm |
I have been struggling since then and stopped writing to him (that was Wed. nite.) Because it's coming to the point that the good feelings I have from his emails and attention is not as strong as the frustration I have from him not giving more.
And so I somehow did something awful: I got online last nite, and saw on chat a guy I used to chat/flirt with. We met up and had sex. A one nite stand. I am sick about this. It was somehow like, I had to prove that I'm desirable, or something- I don't know. How can I do this to my husband and children? It's something I can never take back. I feel so sick. It didn't get rid of my feelings for OMM; I still feel "love" for him or whatever. My poor husband. I am going to go back to NC with the other man but how can I live with myself at this point?

<<>> Please try to just go back to square one with this. You need to start fresh. But I urge you to seek counsleing. I have stated before on this board that I am not a fan of ongoing, "forever' counseling, but you should consider finding a trained counselor who can help you sort through your feelings. Also, you should not have to prove you are desirable! You ARE desirable to your H and your kids :-) And you will get to the point where you lvoe yourself again!!
<<>> Yes, you messed up, but you are here on this board and you need to move forward. You are doing the right thing now!! We can't change the past -- it's gone for good. BUT WE HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THE FUTURE! Do the things necessary to discover your challenges and the things that will allow you to love everything about yourself again.
<<>> As we all know, it takes time to get rid of the "feelings" we had for the XMM. My goodness, that guy consumed our thoughts and alot of our time (phone calls, the get-togethers, the planning for the get-togethers, the emails, etc. etc.) -- how can we expect to just eliminate the feelings all at once? Be patient--the more time you put into NC and re-directing your feelings, the faster you can eliminate the feelings and the pain.
But at least you are at the point where you want to eliminate the feelings (I think you are anyway). So that's the first step -- Way to go!!!!!
Did you read the pep talk I gave myself today? My situation isn't the same as yours, but all A situations are similar enough that maybe you will get something from it between now and time when are able to start some counseling. It's posted as Starting Over with NC...
I wish you the best of luck. Just think back to the person you were before the A--and who you were when you first fell in love with your H. That woman is still inside you somewhere--you just need to find her!!!
Meg
If you want to make this up to your husband then honor him by doing what ever you have to to inforce no contact.
XMMs e-mail should be blocked and removed from your address book, both these guys should be removed from your buddy list and your screen name should be changed to something they have no way of figuring out, have your phone company block calls from his number(s) delete any stored e-mails from them or to them.
This game that XMM is playing with you has nothing to do with love and everything to do with POWER, see it for what it is and protect your family from him.
Counsleing it a good Idea there is a reason you got into this mess and tyou need to get a handle on it if you want to get out and stay out.
You need to do this before someone else pays the price for what you are doing
JMHO
Free
Thank you both so so much
I don't get much time/privacy to write, but please know I really appreciate your support and have to do some real introspection.
Hugs~
mama mia.