Had a relapse

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Had a relapse
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 3:55pm
Well, I had my relapse. Hopefully for the last time. I feel awful about myself and have a hard time looking in the mirror. What have I done to myself? I am trying so hard and I just give in when he calls. I'm glad it's the weekend bc we never have any contact over the weekends and hopefully I can get my focus. Any pointers on maintaining NC even when MM wants to be "friends". He always insisted he wanted to stay friends and I did too. But I'm having second thoughts about even having him as a friend. I feel like I'm being taken advantaged of. I went to marriagebuilders.com and found it very helpful and have decided that I will try again to get my needs met by my H. Even tho me and MM have business, I am cutting the business ties as well, even tho it means $$$ to me. Whew, that was a lot to say and I'm glad I've made this decision. Just need a little help from those who can relate to being married and in an EMA w/ a MM.
Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 4:49pm
Oh dear - I can just hear the pain your in. I'm sorry.

For myself, having as little contact as possible is the ONLY answer. You really have to remove the temptation till the feelings fade. If you were trying to quit smoking you would not walk around with a package of cigarettes in your purse. No contact is very, very painful at the beginning, but boy does it work. I feel so much stronger every day - I am really getting there and believe me it has been a LOOONNNNGGGGG road. You really do need to bite the bullet and spell it out to your OM that you want to end the affair and the easiest/best way for you to do that is to cut all ties with him. If he doesn't like that it is because he probably wants the affair to continue, so to be successful you'll need to be strong.

You can do it, but you need to take the big steps and put the wheels in motion. The sooner you start, the sooner you will start to feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 7:06pm
the analogy that affairs are like an addiction is pretty accurate, i think. it is so difficult to feel good about yourself after a relapse. what can we all do but take it one day at a time and get back on the wagon when we fall? i struggle with the same issue each time i have contact, even when i have initiated it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 8:32pm
Hi - I got your email and emailed you back... the quote that got cut off - is it the one in your ivillage profile? If so - I love it!

>> never make someone your priority who only considers you an option <<

How very very very true...



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 8:55pm
Wow. I read your email and it is me completely. I too wanted to keep contact - any contact - and tried the "just friends" routine. Have been trying that for the last few months. Just friends don't find themselves holding each other, kissing, thinking about one another 24/7. Even lately with no physical contact, just social get togethers I am just as miserable once he leaves. The staying friends routine allowed us to not completely loose each other, which made things less scary. However, it did not make things easier. Cutting things off is the only thing that I can think of that will allow me to move on with my life. It's only been a couple of days and I am also scared as heck that I too will give in when the next opportunity to be with him comes up.

Hang in there and don't put yourself in any situation that brings him top of mind. I too have the business ties and understand what you're giving up by making this decision. But in the end, don't you feel liberated?

I'm scared, I'm lonely and I miss him more than anything else. I want him here, right now, but I know that if that were to happen, I would be miserable for the next several weeks. I am married, but seperated and have an H who is a sweetheart and totally devoted to making our marriage work. That is what I need to focus on working on - whether it means getting back together with him, or letting him go so he can find someone that respects him and is completely fulfilled being with him.

Time will heal...