had a set back last night

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
had a set back last night
4
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 7:39am
Well I was doing so good or so I thought, worked with OM yesterday, came home went out to dinner with family and had a huge Margarita, And was slightly buzzed. I started thinking about OM wanted to see him. Told hubby I was going to mall and went back to work cause I knew he was still there. I visited with other co workers while I was there and than went over to him and talked to him. Whats bad is sometimes I dont even care what other people are thinking. His shift ended when i was there and I left also, but not with him. Never do. But anyways I need to get back on track here. unfortunately I will see him today and tomorrow too. Maybe I shoudn't drink anymore. Yeah right. If at first you dont succeed try try again right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 4:52pm
Deb


"Maybe I shoudn't drink anymore. Yeah right. If at first you dont succeed try try again right."

To very good ideas in your statement, until your really free and clear of this Drinking is a bad idea.

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 11:34pm
Hiya Debdeb,

<<<...had a huge Margarita, And was slightly buzzed. I started thinking about OM wanted to see him. Told hubby I was going to mall and went back to work cause I knew he was still there.>>>

Oops. I'll stand accused of stating the bleedin' obvious here, but driving whilst buzzed ain't one of your better ideas, Debdeb. Quite apart from that, imagine trying to explain to hubby a DWI/DUI in the area of your work when you'd said you were going to the mall. Equally obvious is the medical fact that alcohol acts as a depressant as well as relaxing the control on our inhibitions, both of which are pretty much the last things we need when ending an EMA...

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I'm wondering what the point of your visit was, Debdeb. What was the reason you sought him out? What did you hope to accomplish and did you manage to accomplish it?

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Sadly, the phrase "other people" includes what your hubby is thinking, too. Regardless of whatever feel-good you managed to glean from the time spent with OM in the office, be aware that it was at the cost of hubby's love, his trust and his belief in you. I'm afraid I don't know the specifics of your situation but are you actually looking to end your marriage? If not, it sure looks like it.

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Yep, you got it. Stand up, dust the dirt off the seat of your pants, brush yourself off as best you can, and start all over again. It's a new day, Debdeb.

A general tip here:- If seeing him at work is a problem, try bringing a picture of your husband and family in and place it on your desk. If you or exOM are tempted to take a conversation towards anything not directly work related, pick up the picture and plop it prominently on the desk. Use the picture to focus on whether your conversation would be as comfortable with hubby in the room with you. Sure it sounds corny as hell, but it works if you want it to - the crucial word here is "want."

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 11:41am
Thanks Posie, As far as work goes we work at a grocery store. And we are in same department. I will not change anything I do at work cause I like where I work and the people I work with. So thats not an option. He on the other hand will leave one day, it is only part time for him to get him through college.

I was not that buzzed just enough to feel fuzzy. Just wanted to talk to him, I don't always have the oppertunity at work on the clock. He broke him arm last weekend and is ina cast and a sling. Making work very difficult. I don't know where i am in my marriage, but have been having difficulty in the sex department for alot of yrs now. 7 or 8 maybe. I don't know If I love my husband and I dont even know how to get it back if it was ever really there. I just know that i don't want to have sex with him or him to touch me, most of the time. how can this be love anymore. I know I have to figure it out for me. Also this it not a full blown affair. Its more of an emotional affair for me at least. OM know how I feel and he also feels something for me. But he wont act on them because I'm married. What a guy. I think that makes him more desireable. I know I'm just rambling here. but I need too.

And I was doing so good, I even emailed him last night. just to tell him of my concerns about him breaking his arm.. He did it while drinking.

Well enough said.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 12:52pm
Hiya Debdeb,

<<>>

Um, I suggested bringing a picture into the office rather than changing jobs or changing anything at all about your job apart with the notable exception of ensuring your conversations with exOM remain solely work-related. If you don't want to give up the emotional aspects of your affair, I'm a little confused about why you are here on the Endings board rather than the My Affair Support board, though I certainly respect your choice to post wherever you desire regardless of circumstances.

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Again, I'm confused here. Ending it now isn't what you want to do? Or do you prefer to wait until the day he leaves?

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And if you are feeling "fuzzy" your driver reaction times are screwed. Be glad you didn't receive a DWI/DUI or run over a child.

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Ok, here's where we get to the reason why you sought him out. What exactly is there to discuss that is important enough to require you to drive over there at night whilst fuzzy from drink and that you cannot discuss during your normal work hours on the clock?

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His mouth isn't in a cast or sling and if you were able to talk with him on your night time jaunt, it would also appear to be in full working order. I'd therefore presume if he needed help with accomplishing his work related duties he could have asked an on the clock colleague for assistance.

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Oddly enough, the answer to where you are within your marriage can only be answered by you and your husband. Equally, exOM isn't going to be able to assist DH in the bedroom department. You can allow exOM to take your mind off the problems, but he cannot solve them. In actual fact, exOM *ADDS* to those problems since your focus is drawn away from the marriage and you cannot give your full attention to the problems in the marriage.

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And you won't know if you love your husband until you give your husband and your marriage your full attention. We squander intimacy on others and wonder why our marriages aren't all they should be - I hold my hands up to having done that one, too, Debdeb. Turning outward away from the marriage rather than inward towards the marriage leads to further complication. As far as not wanting to be physically intimate with DH, it's completely understandable when you are so emotionally wrapped up in someone else. Why not consider marriage counselling - even if it turns out to be a discussion on how you both might best start to move on from the marriage, it's still worthwhile.

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It's still affecting you in unhealthy ways, Debdeb. What do you want to do about it?

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Oh yea, wotta guy! If OM had any real respect for you, he'd step out of your marriage rather than enjoying the ego-strokes of having you hang on his every word and even drive over to work to spend time with him off the clock. He'll suck up that feel-good just as long as you're willing to dish it up and then when the time comes he'll be off to college without a care in the world. That's going to hurt, Debdeb, and facing it now is going to be easier than facing it later. Just a thought, but if he's playing hard to get, maybe it's simply because he doesn't want to be got.

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Since when is emailing him good?! No Contact is good, work-related conversations is the next best thing.

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Which illustrates perfectly that accidents can happen and we can make poor judgements when we're drinking, eh? ;)

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie