hanging by a thread

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
hanging by a thread
10
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 7:18pm

i don't know what else to do right now but come and post here. it has been two weeks today that it is over, and i thought that the lowest of the low days would be behind me. today has just taken the wind out of me. i have been crying on and off all day and feeling hopeless--and all the kicking myself in the pants and telling myself to get over it is not helping.
i am so far from indifference it is literally nauseating. the knowledge that xap not only lied to me--but has moved on to his next victim/victims---does not fill me with the righteous indignation and resolve that i so desperately want to claim. i tell myself not to take it personally, but it feels like the most personal rejection ever. what is wrong with me?
is there anyone on this board that would perhaps be interested in being an email buddy or available for chat sometime?

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 7:23pm

Hey, lil~


I'm 3 months out and still struggle (that's why I'm here today after relative obscurity!-I had a bad morning thinking about xap/a stuff), though not NEARLY as bad...you WILL feel better. Your emotions are just so

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 7:50pm

i am here
and I need you know that you are too fresh out to feel the way you would like
that is ok, though. you are here and doing what you can, that is what counts. time is not yet on your side, sorry you are having a bad one. I am available to chat if you would like.

your exAP and mine are very very much alike...based on your posts. I am more than happy to talk should you need to..

Let me know

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2010
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 8:35pm

((Lillie))


I am so sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 10:19pm

luvin,
thank you for reading my post and responding to me. the temptation to contact xap is almost unbearable and SO WRONG. as another of the ladies' said---what does he have to offer me, what could he possibly say to make me feel better? would i believe his words? the answers are obvious. why can't i turn this around? i feel how a beaten child who runs to her abuser must feel.
the knowledge i have now, that he meant much more to me than i meant to him is a twisted knife in my gut. the thought that i gave him everything i had---and it was not enough--shames me. yet, i find i am unable to soothe myself. i have sought relief elsewhere, and now it comes home to roost. i miss him, and i hate myself for it. he has happily gone on his way and i am suffering this loss as he finds my replacement. my karma has come.
i would very much like to talk to you, luvin. please let me know how i can contact you.

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 8:33am

thank you, RG
thank you for the words of comfort. you are right. there is nothing HE could do to make me feel better. somebody on this board makes reference to the fact that the solution CANNOT be the same as the problem. i am trying to let that soak into my brain.

this road is treacherous and harder than i'd ever imagined. it helps so much to come here and be in touch with other women who have been there---there is just no other frame of reference for the strangeness, the suffering, the self-inflicted nature of it all.

it was easier to deal with the anger, the shock, the numbness. it is this sadness that disarms me--followed by feelings of rejection. what recurs like a tired old refrain is "i wasn't enough for him."
i don't want it to be about him. i want it to be about me.

how are you doing RG? are you staying strong? have you had any setbacks?

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 9:02am

Hi Lillie-

At 2 weeks, I felt the same way you did. I am at 32 days NC today and I can tell you that your next two weeks will be just as tumultuous. I know that I am in no way out of the woods at this point either, but I do know that the thoughts come less frequently. I have been working on me and my M and it has made all of the difference. I would be more than happy to converse with you via email. I know I am still a relative newbie, but I am a good listener and really good at turning things around within myself to get me through the lows so maybe I can help you with that. I believe you can contact me through my profile to get my email address.

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2010
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 3:43pm

Hi Lillie -


I hope today is a little better for you?


I am doing ok...thank you for asking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 6:49pm

RG and Lillialma,

I need you to know that based on your stories, it does sound like you both were dealing with serial cheaters....

My MM was a hot mess and still is. He has wife and has a ton of other women too and he juggles em all quite well. I was perhaps a bigger fish to fry, in the beginning and most of the R I had no idea he was M. He was that good. I could discuss this for days with you gals if you would like.

RG, your two cents was on point, try...although difficult, try to not take this stuff personally. I got some stuff for you all to read if you would like....take care and let me know if ya need me

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 12:11am

jane,
i was just reading some of your blog entries and was blown away by your insight and eloquence. i was unable to find your email address. please email me at lilliealma@yahoo.com.

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 12:27am

RG,
i was unable to send you an email through your profile. the understanding of the serial cheating thing may be something that could help me reframe and focus the inadequacy from myself to xap. i really did give him my best, RG--he remarked on it often. i will never say that i am glad i had an A or that what i did was right, but i did treat xap very well, always with respect and kindness. yes, i believe now that aps use one another to get their needs met----just as marriage partners do on some level, i suppose. just as all humans do, quite frankly.
so yes, he lied, i lied. he manipulated my emotions and betrayed my trust, and i still have moments that i miss him so intensely that my body aches. that is some messed-up junkie jonesing. i have been spending alot of time here, and foresee spending even more in the future. it is what i do with the time i used to give to xap.

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...