Happy I found you guys! Yet still sad...
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| Sat, 09-04-2010 - 10:30pm |
Hello Everyone,
Long but feel free to read my tale if you'd like.
Wish I had read some of your posts a lot sooner. I've been struggling since my EA ended almost 3 yrs ago.
I see myself in a lot of what I read here. It's been humbling since a part of my mind stays in denial that my situation was "different" or "special"
Like many here it started with my HS sweetheart after 20 yrs of separation. He was my first love. We dated for 3 yrs and then when he moved away for college. He Met someone and got married. I moved on with my life and honestly thought I had been better off. He wasn't such a great boyfriend. Cheated on me in HS. Things never change I guess! LOL
We were at a party his W and My H were both there and our kids. I introduced my H to him. But weird thing his wife sat off in a corner with another woman and never came over. I was never introduced. He did not leave my side the entire night.
We exchanged emails and then it went to phone. I told myself it was all innocent. We both agreed it would be nice to talk and get "closure" He said I meant more to him than I ever knew, I was the true love of his life, blah blah blah.
There were red flags from the beginning. But ignored them. I felt like I was getting sucked in. He was charming, romantic, funny. Sent me love songs that he said he listened to that made him think of us over the past 20 yrs. I was HOOKED as if I had taken a hit of the best cocaine out there.
We met face to face. Nothing happened that night except for some kissing. But it was strange. We finally were alone together and he had little to say.
I lost it on the drive home that night. I knew I was spinning out of control so the next morning I confessed to H about the entire thing. But I told H I was having feeling for him and can't let him go now that I have him back. H was actually pretty understanding about the whole thing. He said as long as don't lie to him and tell him everything he'll let me explore this further. Guess he could see how it would go. Such a smart man.
Well I told AP that I told H. He flipped!!! First thing out of his mouth "OMG!! I'm scared!!" he hung up.
(something that makes me laugh now and cheers me up sometimes!!)
But I didn't want to let AP go. I thought maybe we both missed out on something here. And we were more right for each other than our spouses.
But he refused to call me, and refused to see me. Kept making one excuse after another. But he did keep up with emailing me daily. All day!
My heart was breaking and his emails were getting colder in tone. Less romantic, more general about my day stuff.
I finally tried to go NC and I felt more emotional pain and withdrawal of missing him than I ever felt in my life! I broke down and emailed him. He said he was surprised to hear from but very happy.
I asked him Why he would be surprised to hear from me? His response "Because I thought you had enough" That hit me like a TON OF BRICKS!!!
I was crushed. This man took advantage of the fact that we had a history. He was my first everything. I NEVER would have gotten involved with another man outside of my marriage.
Well I told him I had enough and said good bye. His response was "I dont think you'll ever understand how much you mean to me" "if you ever need anything I'm only an email or phone call away." Still jerking me around. That was tough not to respond to! But I sat on my hands.
That was almost 3 yrs ago. I've been separated now for 2 yrs. My H and I have been trying to reconcile but I haven't been the same since all of this. I don't know how to go back to being married to H. He's kind and generous and a wonderful father. But I can't feel any attraction to him at all. There's no spark. It's like I didn't know what I was missing until I got a taste with AP. make sense to anyone??
I have so much anger and pain and resentment and I have to find a way to let it go and move on.
ALMOST 3 YEARS. If anyone is ever considering this. DONT!!
I believe I did the right thing by telling H. But a part me believes that if I had kept quiet I would still have AP today. Even as OW it would be better than nothing at all.
How pathetic is that?? Seriously why wouldn't I want better for myself?
And in case you're wondering, Yes I've been in therapy and I'm starting back next week. I won't give up until I'm over all of this BS!!
Thanks everyone!

Hi Lilly,
Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to EAS. Holiday weekends are very slow around here, so please don't feel neglected if there are only a couple of responses.
First I would like to say that affairs with an old boyfriend are usually the most difficult to get over. There is history there, and sadly as the years go by not being in one another's life, our hearts/minds tend to hold onto only the good stuff. So when we see them again, we want to go back to that time in our life when we were young and carefree. After seeing them again, the heart goes on a wild goose chase, believing we could rewrite history, and this time you'll have a happy ending. Well, it doesn't work this way when one or both parties are M to someone else. Had you both been single, there might have been a chance, but an A scenario tarnishes the innocence of yesteryear.I am glad you are reading here and I would like to comment on something you wrote:
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Telling your H was the admirable thing to do. You should be proud of your honesty, and not second guess it. Not telling H may have kept the A fires burning for a while, but both of you still would have crashed and burned eventually. Affairs destroy, my dear, not only those we love but ourselves as well. You would come to hate the situation and thus end up loathing your AP too. If the two of you were meant to be, he would be D by now.
Keep reading and learning, and be sure to read our Healing Library. Holding onto this memory for three years means you are fighting yourself in letting go. This needs to be done so you have a clear head in deciding whether you want to reconcile with your H, or go out into the world as a S gal. Either way, still pining for an unavailable man is going to keep you a prisoner of your own making.
((Hugs))
~Iddy~
Thank you Iddy ~ Thank you for your response. And what you said to me about my telling my H. I've heard that many times over, that it took a lot of courage and I did the right thing. I respect my H. Always have. Our marriage wasn't great. But I never could have lied to him continually and gotten my other needs met elsewhere. It just isn't who I am. And yet here I am!!
Very very happy to find this board. I will read the healing section. I am so sick and tired of hearing about infidelity and affairs every time I turn around. And hearing how it's the "new norm" and marriages just accept that fact. I needed a place to stay grounded in reality and this is it!
Thanks for the words of support and encouragement.
Lilly
Hi, Lilly-
Welcome to our community. I'm glad you found us.
To echo what Iddy said, telling your H was brave and I am so thankful you acted on that impulse because it was your instinctive saving-voice speaking and you didn't silence it as many of us A-havers are so skilled at doing.
I totally understand what you're saying about being tired hearing "the new norm" is to act so deplorably. it's a function of misery loves company when people spew that cr@p -- and there are other, more positive voices speaking; we just have to find them and focus on their truths instead of paying any attention to the negative people. I happen to believe evil is alive and well in the world and the voices that encourage us to buy into that wrong perspective rejoice when they find fertile ground to plant their nasty seed. You're aware of that, thank God. right?
Again, glad you're here and I look forward to hearing more from you.
Best,
Dee
Dear Lilly,
Welcome to EAS. I also told my husband, and lived with the sinking reality that I was hanging myself with my own rope. He also never told me to end my affair, but I ignored the horrific hurt he wore on his face, until he became a shell of a person. I stood by watching him die a slow death because I was too f*&ked up to realize that he wasn't the kind of person to demand me to make a particular choice. I considered him *warned*. Wasn't I such a great wife? I am sitting here shaking my head at how freaking brutal and cruel I was to him. I took advantage of the person who loved me the most in the world, I subjected him to such mental anguish he is in counseling now trying to come to grips with it all.
I don't regret for a moment that he knew ... he had every right to know why his wife was transforming in front of his eyes, and to save himself by leaving. I am grateful that he respected us both enough to have the courage to end the madness - by leaving. I am grateful he didn't think I was unable to care for myself. Through the actions of my H, I have learned what courage actually looks like. I have realized that no matter how much in despair, you can make the right move. You can save your family in other ways than staying in a toxic dynamic. He showed me that you can build anew, even better, as something else.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I was unrecognizable to my own life: as a woman, mother, friend, daughter, colleague ..."
When I read this I began to sob! This is me. I don't even know who I am anymore.
Finding this board has been so validating. And I've felt so isolated and alone with this. Now I know I'm not alone. I can't tell you the relief I am feeling from this.
My xAP I'm sure has made his wife's life a living Hell. He was emotionally abusive to me when we dated in HS although I'm only learning about this now. During our A when I would share with him my feelings and he wanted out he started his "crazy making" tricks on me. Telling me that my perceptions were my reality. But he hasn't done anything to mislead me or disrespect me. Can you believe these men. Bastards. And he's a f'n school administrator!! People believe he is truly a wonderful man. Sometimes I could just vomit from all of this. It's like being raped and beaten except it's all on the inside. There is no evidence. Like it never happened.
But now I've found a group of people who know full well just exactly what I've been through.
I can't tell you how grateful I am for this. I've prayed and prayed for God to help me. I believe this is one of his answers.
Lilly
TU,
Your post is so honest, so to the core of how destructive an affair can be. My heart goes out to you and I pray you find your way through this. I feel enormous strength in your words, no doubt TU you will survive this and come out a stronger wiser woman.
I have to hand it to you, your words tell it like it is. Incredible post.
Thank you bandk for your kind words ... they mean a lot to me.
My best,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
TU ~
I agree with bandk.