Happy Mother's Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Happy Mother's Day
6
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 9:18am

I know today could be a bitter-sweet one for some of you, but never forget those beautiful little lives that count on you all year long. Your children will always love you unconditionally, (although the teenage years my have you questioning this at times.

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 10:24am

Wow, Iddy, it's reassuring to hear you say "bittersweet" because that is exactly what I'm feeling and I thought I was alone. I am trying to not beat myself up for the bad mothering I did during my A, but I'm finding that next to impossible. The kiddos and H are not up yet, but I know that soon they'll be rushing in with little handmade cards and kisses and be telling me how much they love me. If I don't bawl my eyes out from regret and remorse, it'll be a miracle. I guess all I can do is tell myself I am no longer, and never again, going to take them or my job as a mom for granted. I'll never again shirk my responsibility as a mom - I'll never again put them in harms way. Better Mother's Days ahead.

Happy Mother's Day, all you moms out there. Be thankful we're _here_ now, and not where we were before joining this board. xoxoxoxo

Dee-termined.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 10:35am
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 10:39am

Thank you Iddy, and back at ya! Just wanted to add to that by saying that one thing I have learned about mothering is that our children, especially our daughters, mimic us on so many levels. During my A, as I was completely "tuned out", I noticed my daughters apathetic attitude toward her own H. She picked up on my criticizing of my H, her dad, and I would catch her doing the same to hers and this is not her personality. Wow! What a wake up call to me to fully understand that our kids are watching every move we make and we have to lead by example. I want to be the matriarch of my family by showing my unconditional love for them all, including, and most importantly my H. I believe by doing this, it gives them the security they need to succeed in life, something I did not have, but have proved that the pattern CAN be broken. Love to you all on this mothers day!

Love, AAI

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 10:57am

So true that, Acting. Our daughters pattern themselves after us! Even if we don't realize what we're doing, they pick up on EVERYTHING! Man, we owe it to ourselves, but even moreover THEM, to model decently. I feel like apologizing to not only my DDs but my Mom, too, for hurting HER DD the way I did. As are so insidiously damaging. I am so thrilled that you picked up on that your grown daughter was starting down that damaged path and that you are breaking the pattern. Thank God we're not still in that gawddamned fog!!!

Love to you and yours,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 11:18am

Hello All,

I have been thinking about this whole (non)mothering while in the context of an A thing for quite some time. Something that has been important for me to personalize recognize, was that I was distant and distracted from my children for prolonged periods of time before my A.

I am a high achiever (yup that external validation thing), which has played out in such ways as taking my one year maternity leave and using that time to launch my own practice - this lead me around the world with my newborn in arms and other two children at home with dad. It also meant that time at home was spent checking emails, networking ... whatever. Then back to school as a full time doctoral student and working mom and volunteer. I didn't beat myself up for that, and neither did any one else because, hey I was such a hard worker.

The point is - women lead complicated lives. Sometimes, the choices we make to meet our own needs, take us spiritually/emotionally/mentally/physically away from our children.

While in my A I was a mess. I simply tolerated the moments with my children until they were in bed. As soon as we woke up, the countdown began again. I am not proud of this, I know my children suffered. And it certainly makes it way worse, like the worst worst, when we are distracted by something/someone so wrong as an A. There is no diploma waiting, no raise, no other gain that will benefit my family waiting.

It is easier to forgive yourself if you are too busy/distant/distracted because of work, school, illness etc... even someone with a substance addiction would get more support around understanding how their 'illness' was behind the behaviour, and not the person.

My point is - there will always be times in our lives where we are unable to be as present in our children's lives as we want/yearn/need to be. This isn't an excuse, justification nor rationalization. It is an insight into my own life - and this insight allows me to reflect on the many choices I have made, not just my A, that have taken me away from my children, literally & figuratively - and to understand the times when that is necessary, and the times when that is destructive.

I have spent too much time feeling shame about what I have done, too much time beating myself up. I am ready to embrace the notion that my children know fundamentally that they are loved & cared for. In my 'absence' the best thing I did for them was surround them with others who I loved and trusted could 'mother' them (it does take a community to raise a child): My H, my BFFs, my childcare providers. They all jumped in, just like I would have expected them to do if I was that unwell in any other way. The time and space to heal myself has made me a better mother. A mother who loves herself, forgives herself & sees the beauty in herself even if others would say she should not.

I don't care.

I KNOW that I am a fantastic mother - I know that I made a mistake that changed the course of their lives. I can let this knowledge cripple me from getting close to my children again out of fear or self-loathing - or I can use it to propel me to do better, to take better care of myself so that I can take better care of them.

Mother's Day isn't a celebration for 'perfect' moms. There are no such moms (and certainly no such dads) ... it is a celebration of all that we are in the world - the mothering we give and receive, perfect and imperfect. It is about how we mother one another here. It is about mothering against the odds.

Happy Mother's Day to each of you on this board - who mother children, parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, the environment - each of us ...

TU.LC/NC since April 14, 2010

Edited 5/9/2010 11:23 am ET by transcendingus




Edited 5/9/2010 11:24 am ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 3:59pm

Thank You Iddy! Right back at you and all the other Mothers on here. I can truly say that this has been an amazing weekend for me and my family. A LOT of quality time has been spent with my H with and without the children. This morning was amazing with lots of wonderful words of unconditional love from my children. I am blessed, I know this now more than I ever have in my life. I have always known it, but was lost within myself. I have always tried, even throughout the A, to put an effort into my parenting because I knew I was betraying them as much as my H. It wasn't until my H and I were talking the other night about my oldest daughters childhood and all the memories, that I realized I could not remember near as many memories about our youngest (who was about a year old when this all began). It literally sent me reeling...because it wasn't until that moment that I realized the A was the reason I don't remember as much. It Saddened me beyond words. The fog I was in clouded everything, and took away times I should be cherishing. Times that I cannot ever get back. Times I thought I was totally involved in... but here I was trying to recall moments and having a very difficult time. Call it an epiphany of sorts, but I am more determined than ever to cherish ever moment and event I spend with my children and my Husband. The road will be bumpy I am sure, but I have a strength in me now that I have not had for a very long time!


Thoughts of Xap are becoming less frequent. They are still there and sometimes with sadness, but more often with anger and shame. I feel the end of the tunnel ahead, and it feels good. I have a lot of work to do for me, and so much work to do at forgiving myself, but I have learned so much form this board and gained so much insight and perspective that YOU ALL are responsible for my healing. I would like to say I cannot wait to have the "old" ME back, the one prior to the A, but then I realize that I don't want "that" me back because SHE is the one who entered the A to begin with. I want to find the "new" me, the strong, independent, loving, caring, beautiful soul that will never take things for granted again. The one who will look positively at life, even when things are mundane, boring, stressful, and frustrating. The one who loves herself enough to forgive and who will work so hard to make up for the years I have so selfishly lost.


Thank you for beginning me on the journey Ladies. I cannot express my appreciation enough. I truly hope you all had a wonderful day and know that you are all amazing and strong, no matter the choices we have all made. Every day is a brand new one... one we will make better choices in.