This is hard!
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This is hard!
| Sun, 01-02-2005 - 11:55pm |
I'm not crying or anything, but I can't stop thinking about xMM.
I miss talking to him SO MUCH.
I can't believe with my dad dying and all that he wouldn't have emailed me or called about that or something?? Yet, the longer he goes without contacting me, the better it is for me, I know that.
Oh well. I just wish the longing feeling would go away.
Just venting.
Breathe

I'm so sorry about your dad.
I can't stop thinking about my xmm either...and I wonder sometimes why he doesn't contact me. I told him not to contact me...but it's still very painful. I cannot stop thinking about what he might be doing at any given moment. Think of it this way...he may not want to upset you. He just might think that no matter what he says...it will upset you. I'm sure that you are on his mind. It is better for you just to know that and keep up the NC.
I'm torn as I try to give advice here...because I have trouble following good advice...but I really think that NC is the way to go.
My thoughts are with you
Breath
Sorry about your dad there is little worse then losing a parent other then a child.
This may be rude but consider what were you to him really, how did he treat you towards the end, how much talking did he do.... he never treated you right did he... he never showed you respect, the truth is you have lost little in him, in fact you stand to gain a great deal.
Free
I am very sorry about your father. Really sorry. Two big hurts at the same time -- that's hard and not fair.
Remember, you're also, in a lesser way, grieving the loss of XMM also. But eventually the pain of losing XMM will go away. Hang in there. One night you will get ready for bed and realize that you haven't thought about XMM all day. (Then you'll feel sad about that also. And then that will go away.) Think: he's probably not thinking about you all of the time. Men get over relationships a lot easier than women do (at least, for the majority of them).
Keep venting. It helps a lot.
I'm sorry about your father...that must be very difficult.
As for your OM..you know its funny. Mine would never be around during the tough times when I really needed him. I remember when my little boy had heart surgery - he was nowhere. Or when I would be ill - gone. He really only wanted to be around me when I was smiling and happy and receptive to his wants and desires. I've read that affairs can be very selfish relationships - each person looking for an escape. Perhaps many of us have a hard time facing the greyness that reality can have. If this is true, then I suppose its no surprise that these OM are never around when we're down - thats really not what they want to see. We were in their lives to forget 'the hard times'.
I've often thought that despite knowing my xom for many years, he really doesn't 'know' me that well. He only sees the good things. THats all he wants to see. He probably thinks I wake up looking all fluffy and cute, instead of what I really look like right now. Thats nice, but thats not reality and I think thats the problem with alot of us in affairs. We don't want reality.
Breathe,
I'm going through one of those phases too. Just know that you are not alone. If he is not there for you during your time of need, do you really want him there at all? We all love you and ARE here for you whenever you need us!
Diva
Thanks for all your support. I really need it right now.
My xMM called this morning. I was actually surprised. He said he was sorry about my dad. We talked for a little bit. He asked if I'd call later and I said, "I'm going to put you on the spot later then. I want to know what you want from me."
He said, "Not today." He doesn't want to talk about that today. Gee, am I surprised?
No, I am stronger now. I am going to call later. I am going to tell him that I don't need this craziness in my life right now. I don't like the person I am when I'm involved with him. I want more from him than he is willing to give and I'm not going to take less. I'm out.
My H is at this moment signing a lease on a place to live. We are separating. He is so sure I am going to run to be with xMM. He doesn't understand that he himself is my best friend and the one I feel I am supposed to be with. I just don't want to be with the unpredictable addict anymore. Maybe in a year we will both be healthy enough to try this M again. Maybe in a year I will be content with my life alone. Who knows?
I will be on here a lot, I'm afraid. It is so good for me to read your messages and remember that I get about 5% escape and 95% heartache from xMM. I like that word "escape". It helps me understand xMM better. I am his escape. He wants me to be "fun." He wants me around only when he needs me. That is not the kind of real love and relationship I want or deserve.
Gotta keep strong!
Breathe
Breathe -
I am here for you anytime you need me! I completely understand. I have been having a really hard time dealing w/my feelings lately. I've really been missing xOM - but I have kept telling myself that it is the 'escape from reality' that I am missing.
I am so sorry that you and H are seperating. Have you tried marriage counseling?
Diva
I am so sorry to hear about your dad.
My dad passed away last year to, and when OM found out he told me that he would be there for me how ever I needed. Maybe he is giving you the respect of letting you grieve without having to deal with the ordeal of the affair as well. I asked for space when my dad Passed I just could not deal with him and he chose to respect me and told me when I was ready to contact him to do so. I did and he kept his word. I am sure your OM is doing the same........ But you are right NC is better if your affair is over.
Hang in there......
Ladybug
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I wish my xMM were that considerate, but I think he just really doesn't want to deal with any of the heavy stuff. Like mentioned before- that would take away the fun escape aspect of the A.
I talked to him yesterday like I said I would. I hoped he'd say he missed me a lot and stuff, but he just won't go there. I know he misses me, but he's content with talking to me a few times a week and seeing me a few times a month, and I'm not. I basically restated everything I said a week ago. I said I would not call him.
I'm still hurting though. I would love to be in his arms right now if I could. I wrestled with starting the new pill pack I was taking for him... but I didn't. I told myself if I kept taking the pill I wouldn't really be accepting the end of this A. I have to say, it's hard breaking the old habits! I can't stop thinking about where he is and what he is doing, or looking at my phone to see if he called, even though I know it will be much better for me if he doesn't call me again. It is definitely like a drug. I had gone a whole week before he called yesterday and I was getting stronger by the day. Now I am back to where I was, having to gain that strength back all over again. How crazy is that?
Good luck to everyone fighting this kind of battle.
We'll get each other through it-
Breathe