Hard days ahead

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Hard days ahead
8
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 12:07pm
I'm just here to vent. I hate these hard and sad days that pop up in between the OK days that I'm having. Today is one of those days that I can't get him off my mind and that I wish I could contact him. But I won't. It's going to be a hard month. This month marks the one year "anniversary" of when our romance truly started. July 4th being the day that he admitted he loved me. Ugh. On most days I keep busy but I'm sitting here at work and can think of nothing else.

I know better than to ask when all of this gets easier, or what can I do to take my mind off this. On days like today I just feel like I don't know how to cope. Not to mention this work day is just dragging on and on!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 2:48pm
I understand. Today is a difficult day for me too. I felt I was doing so well, and when days like today roll around I can't help but feel hopeless. I broke down and emailed him yesterday, and today I feel "lower than sh** whale's shadow" (as my brother in the Navy, used to say, lol). I don't know why I did it other than to show him I still care for him in some small way. He begged for some acknowledgement and answers to questions left unsaid, and I just couldn't leave him hanging. Wimp! I know! I also know I crossed some boundries I promised myself I wouldn't--but it's done, and now I feel like I'm back at square one. This is one of the reasons I know today is so very difficult for me, and why I feel so awful. The major pain has returned, 2-fold, and dealing with this pain again is twice as hard now since I gave a small part of me to him. The phone calls will not restart--this is one area I put my foot down--one major thing I am very proud of--this would have definitely been an enormous 2-step back for me. The emails, though we were never great emailers in past, are a few, in which the tone has definitely changed. No hint of romance or sensuality--just narrative stuff. So, overall, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself--realize I'm only human, and plan to do better the next time. Sometimes I think that amputating myself from this man is best, and other times I think I'll cut off the relationship a little bit at a time. It hurts so much to think of ending it completely today. I think we all know in the end what is best for us, and if we don't, we'll keep learning it the hard way, at least that's how things feel for me. Thanks for listening, ~ifm
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 3:00pm
Thank you for your support. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. You can't help but have residual feelings, it's only natural. Like you said the emails have been pretty much "narrative" so there were no promises made and really no harm done. Except that you are feeling a little down today. Who's to say you wouldn't be feeling down even if you hadn't contacted him? It's all a part of the grieving period, at least that's the way I'm trying to think of it. It does frustrate me that I have my bad days like today too, and I DO wish they would go away, but I know this is all 'normal' feelings so I don't beat myself up.

I know I've read your story before, but I've read so many and now I forgot -- did you initiate NC or did he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 3:52pm
Hi there JM! Thanks for your understanding and friendship--you are very kind.

I did initiate the NC. This is one of the main reasons I feel so bad. Ya know, I don't want to confuse the guy. *chuckling* I now realize, after I've ended it, how much I truly care about him. I know there are plenty of reasons I didn't like what were doing, and we certainly didn't see eye-to-eye on many things, but goodness, the sparks sure did fly when we talked. The guy just "melts" me. Even now, if I close my eyes and think of our time together, I can still feel the magic we shared.

I also feel very strongly, things just cannot continue as they were in the past. The regular phone sex and sensual talk is in the past for me. It's killing my self-esteem and my marriage. That's why I refuse any attempt at talking over the phone. Via email, I feel things between us can cool down a bit. I know if I heard his voice now, goodness, everything I am trying so hard to accomplish, i.e., end the emotional affair and focus on my marriage, would be over or at least I'd be at square one in a major major way. If this were to happen, how could he believe I'm serious about leaving or changing what we had?

I know I'm babbling a bit now, sorry about that, I'm feeling so very emotional today. Thanks for being here and listening. ~ifm

p.s. Here's a major truth I have to share:

Initially, I had mentioned we try our hand at friendship--he balked and said forget it. Three weeks later, while I was getting stronger and letting go, I now receive an email from him saying he would like to try the friendship route. Well, knock me over with a feather. He said it'd be better than nothing, and he's not sure he can go on without having some sort of contact with me. Now I'm nervous. I'm starting to realize maybe it's ME who can't handle the friendship road with HIM, and not the other way around. This is a real eye opener for me. *rolling my eyes*

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 4:47pm
Ok now I understand better. I envy you for being the one to initiate NC. I wish I had done that. You probably aren't confusing your MM, I can actually relate to the position he's in, wanting even just a small part of you. But you're right...you must decide if you can handle being just friends. Keeping it to email only might be a very good way to keep it light for a while, until you feel like you can talk to him without getting swept up into everything.

So I assume you wanted NC to try and rebuild your M...how is that going?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 6:16pm
Hiya JM!

Even though I did initiate the NC it's still a very very difficult and painful process for me. Now, I can understand why it's easier to just stay away from someone you care for a great deal--it's just so hard to remain friends or remain in any contact when you love someone so much--it's just easier to break free--though this is easier said then done. Sometimes I wonder if it's more difficult for the one that ended it. I never wanted to hurt him in a-n-y-w-a-y, and reading about his pain via email just breaks my heart. I do love him, but I can't love him and my husband at the same time--I just can't.

My marriage overall is a good one. Unfortunately, my husband does travel frequently on business--he's promised this will end soon--maybe in a year or less--so, I'm alone alot, and I get bored, and I started to play around in the chatrooms--harmless stuff I thought--big mistake--I'll not be doing this again. I met my xMM in a chatroom. We didn't like each other at first, but then again maybe it was sexual tension, lol, I don't know. A selfish part of me wishes I could do both--have my marriage and my emotional affair. I just cannot do it. After over a year and half of having an emotional affair, the guilt is just eating away at me--maybe because my H is such a sweetie pie, and if he knew any of this he'd be totally devastated, and he's so undeserving of any pain from me. He's been nothing but a loving and caring husband--though an absent one--very present in many ways. I just cannot continue to hurt him indirectly with my emotional affair. I wish I never started it. If I could turn back time, boy would I! When I met my xMM, it was all in fun, and friendship supposedly--never had I imagined what I was stepping into--I have many many regrets, and I will not ever make this mistake again. I am currently involved only with women's groups and activities online--this definitely keeps me out of trouble, lol. Thanks again for listening, ~ifm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 10:37pm
jessesmom -

Sorry to hear you're having a down day today...especially on a day that work just doesn't seem enuf to take your mind off of other things. Ugh, i hate those days. I hope this post finds you a little stronger....((((hugs)))) to you...we all need those sometime :). Take care....

patches

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 9:18pm
Hi I am sorry you are having a bad day. I don't have any answers but I do know that we are never given things that we cannot handle...sometimes I wonder why...but I guess in time we will know the answers. Just try to be gentle to yourself. We all have different ways of coping and we have to find what works for us. I know the nights are the worst...alone with just your thoughts. It is really nice to have support here and be able to post and feel like someone is listening. Please know that it is OK to be sad and hurt but you will get through this.

Hope tonight is a better night!

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 11:17am
I'm new to these boards and I can't tell you how helpful it has been for me to read conversations like yours.

I'm in the opposite position... My xMM was the one who initiated NC without explanation. Since we worked together I felt compelled to try to continue a "friendship." I tried so hard, and he continued to tell me that he wanted to be friends, but he also continued to ignore my attempts at conversation, phone calls, e-mails.

Reading your story has helped me to understand his side a little bit. I imagine it has been hard for him to try to be strong and stay away while I was continuing to force my friendship on him. I have been through therapy and restored my marriage, but I suspect that he has not and maybe he still feels the temptation...?

After 6 months of NC I made the mistake of reaching out to him again. I expected to be ignored again. But instead he is responding and has suggested a friendly lunch. Would you go?