The hardest thing I've ever had to do...
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The hardest thing I've ever had to do...
| Tue, 11-23-2004 - 12:52pm |
Ok, usually I post occasionally on the other affair board..but, since this is where I'm at now in the relationship.....
I have been with MM for well over a year. We live in the same area and see each other daily. I have been having real problems trying to live this second life, I am deeply in love with him and we have been talking about being together seriously for a while now. He makes me feel like no one I've ever been with before. He had been married for 31 years and I never had any intentions of breaking their marriage up or asking him to leave. Over the course of the year and talking about being together I was finding that everytime I was with him it was harder and harder to let go and I would usually end up crying, which would make him upset. So after thinking long and hard about it, the only solution I've come up with is to end it. I sent him an email...can't do it in person...and he hasn't answered his phone since today. It is tearing me up inside but I know that it has to be done. I'm just afraid I won't have the strength to get through this. It hasn't even been a day yet and I would give anything to be back in his arms. I'm so scared that I might never have a love like this again.
I have been with MM for well over a year. We live in the same area and see each other daily. I have been having real problems trying to live this second life, I am deeply in love with him and we have been talking about being together seriously for a while now. He makes me feel like no one I've ever been with before. He had been married for 31 years and I never had any intentions of breaking their marriage up or asking him to leave. Over the course of the year and talking about being together I was finding that everytime I was with him it was harder and harder to let go and I would usually end up crying, which would make him upset. So after thinking long and hard about it, the only solution I've come up with is to end it. I sent him an email...can't do it in person...and he hasn't answered his phone since today. It is tearing me up inside but I know that it has to be done. I'm just afraid I won't have the strength to get through this. It hasn't even been a day yet and I would give anything to be back in his arms. I'm so scared that I might never have a love like this again.

I completely understand where you're coming from. So many times on this board I see messages where people say they knew they didn't love him. I did (do) and never wanted to have an affair, especially not a physical relationship...my marriage was rocky, but I wasn't looking. To me, having an affair was out of the question...like stealing or murder...but bam! Out of the blue, there were these feelings, and try as hard as I could, I couldn't make them go away. So it taught me a big lesson about being judgmental, because I had been very disapproving of my sister-in-law for having an affair with her neighbor for over a year.
My problem is, he is divorced, I am married, and we cannot be together unless I leave my marriage, and he does not want me to leave because of him. Also, his job has been threatened if I get a divorce and then we get together right away, because where we work is very high-profile and it would damage the station's credibility if the public perceived that we left our marriages to be with each other. (sounds strange, but believe me, it's true.) It would be possible to be together if there was a few months between my getting a divorce and our being seen in public. In fact, he was told that that would probably be good for business! (sick, huh?)
But I don't feel that I am justified scripturally in leaving (my faith is very important to me) because my husband says he is trying to make up for all the things he has done to me and our family (mostly money issues that were devastating when I found out). We have a young daughter, and that makes it even more complicated. So this man I am in love with only talks work-related stuff with me, and it is hard to see him and be so business-like and cold when I just wish I could be with him. Sometimes he looks at me so lovingly, and other times he looks at me as though he barely knows me, and then I want to die.
That said, I will tell you that it gets a little easier as time goes by as I try to convince myself that he didn't really love me at all. Still, I don't know that to be true. The hard days are when I think that I could be with him right now if I had just taken action and left my husband.
From your standpoint, you at least have the comfort that he did not leave his marriage...because then ending the relationship was not your fault. You did the only thing you could do. Now, if he were to leave his wife for other reasons, and you still want to be with him (if you are single) then you can be with him. But make no mistake, you are doing the right thing. After 31 years, it is unlikely he will leave her. The best thing you can do is appreciate the fact that you are doing what's right and that now you know the kind of relationship you want...a loving relationship free of lies and deceit. You should be proud of yourself for taking a stand. It will be very easy to relapse and reach out to him, but stay strong. He should appreciate that you are making the choice for him and that you are a person with integrity to recognize that having an affair is just wrong, no matter how good the intentions on both sides. Think of it this way: the most loving thing you can do for this man is to stay away from him and not involve him in an affair.
Excellent advice Newsgal. I wish both of you strength in resolving your issues. I also work with my XMM and some days are okay, while others are very difficult. I was the one to end it because I could no longer stand the guilt, and although XMM is still struggling from the fallout of last summer, he is respecting my wishes by not crossing the line in conversation or actions. These men will string you along forever if you let them, and if you are a married OW, you are doing the same thing to your MM/OM.
Botton line: YOU ARE USING another human being to fill a void within yourself. For me it was lonliness. Once I FINALLY realized that borrowing another woman's man was not going to take that ache away (ironically, it made it worse), I was able to stop being selfish, and crawl out of the dark. REMEMBER, affairs thrive on their dirty little secrets!!!!
Good luck to both of you,
True