Hardly dare to write this...
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| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 5:20am |
Hi all. Some of you know my story (I've posted here on my own behalf a couple of times before). My current dilemma (which should not be one and which makes me as angry as it makes me desperate) is the Ex-affairs birthday coming up start of November, and the fact that I feel a TERRIBLE urge to write him a letter on that day. Some of you already suggested things I should/shouldn't do on the day, but the push I feel towards sending of this letter (which I composed on and off for a long time) has started already...
I feel so bad about this. As I haven't been able to find work at here I'm living now, I'm trying everything to distract myself: I do sports 4 times a week, I go to evening classes, invite people. I'm working in the garden, in the house. But nothing seems to help, and, in addition, my health is so very poor right now.
My heart, which has never given trouble before, is going way too fast and I need to see a cardiologist. It might have to do with the medication I have to take for my chronic thyroid complaint, or the contraceptive I'm taking, or with me smoking too much.
Remedies, i.e., changing any of my medications or my smoking habits, all will have unpredictable psychological effects of which I'm afraid. My husband is not very good with any changes, and although he tries, he can't help impatient with me for not being "healthy as usual".
All this makes me feel weak, helpless and useless; and I can't find the energy to divert my thoughts from that da**** stupid letter. This is so silly + dumb, but I feel a right wreck at the moment. I know the affair/this man didn't ruin my life (- which he then voiced as one of his fears -- how little must he have thought of my personality and powers! -) but it now seems he has had a fair share in messing me up more than I had been before... and this makes me think maybe he's right: Maybe I AM a real wimp without any personality to speak of! Somehow he succeeds, such a long time after the affair ended, to make me ashamed of myself.
BUT, knowing all this: Why do I feel this urge to debase myself even more by writing him a letter on his birthday?? What would it give/help me to tell him I was a wreck because of him and my own life-incompetence even after all this time? what good would it do to tell him I still miss him badly? That I still feel the best moments of my life were a couple of times with him? And he surely doesn't need/want any well-wishing from me, either - he has enough friends and a new wife for this.
And it's not like it hasn't become better with time: It HAS; I lost a lot of the immediate, painful desire for the affair, f.ex. But whenever I feel this man is more of a stranger to me now (with all the time gone by), there comes a sharp memory of our closeness, our talks and destroys the notion of strangeness.
I can't think "Then was fantasy, now is reality", because that would mean I lost 1 1/2 of my life. And I can't think "Then was reality, now it just is another", because I'd go crazy over that thought.
After all my analysis, taking to heart good advice from others, reading stories far worse (and having lasted longer, too) I want to make peace with this relationship. Freedom I will never seek; I don't value and need it much, I've always been kind of dependent in one way or another - but I do need peace from this. I want more distance. I want to become more sovereign with this thing. I want to come to this board to maybe try + help others - and not to need it any more for my own problems. I'm so sick and tired of being so sad, of it all: Maybe THIS year I'll be successful in NOT writing the letter -- what about next year? Same thing all over? And this after really having tried my very best to get closure for myself. What if my best just isn't good enough to cope with this?
Counselling is not an option for me, I feel I've got to be able to handle this for myself. I don't want to be this weak - but I simply can't find the energy to be anything but at the moment. It's always so much "I've got to", "it's better for you", forbidding myself things, disciplining myself. I'm at the end of my wits, intelligence, humour and strength.
Would you believe the following? From my last hols in Crete (which is a favourite place of my ex-affair, it was by chance I holidayed there) I brought a small, meaningful present for the man (We always were so good in finding just-the-thing for each other). It's been lieing on the desk in my room for 4 weeks now, with me being unable to throw it away or at least consign it to the box of keepsakes of his, which I still have (firmly shut, I never look at the things). It was meant for his birthday - when I knew I could never send it, and he hasn't made contact on my birthday in July. Buying presents for a ghost who (in all likeliness) doesn't even remember you well! Maybe somone in Germany will read this and could come by and throw it away for me ;-)
I badly, badly need to progress.
Please, any suggestions are welcome. And thank you for bearing with me and this long post.

I'm wondering what it is that you seek to accomplish by sending him a letter? Who will it benefit? How will you feel when it again goes unanswered?
If we truly love someone and want the best for them, we are genuinely happy when they DO move on and find happiness of their own.
If we love someone only for how they "make" us feel or if we can only love the person we are when we are with them, then is that a real love or one based on what selfish needs of our own can be met by them?
If we glorify the times we've spent with someone and blow them up into some impossible idea of perfection, then how on earth is any mere mortal here on Earth ever going to be able to compete with Mr Perfect Fantasy Man?
One and a half years is a mere slivver of the whole of your life to date, WITW, unless, of course, you MAKE it more important or DECIDE that that was the best it ever was or is ever going to get. Don't forget there are also many more years to come. How much of a physical & mental toll are you willing to allow a mere slivver of your whole life to take on the rest of your life?
Someone on the one of the other boards has a quote which goes along the lines of "Don't cry that it's over - smile that it happened." What's stopping you from doing this?
Why is counselling out of the question for you? When we're stuck in a groove which obviously isn't working for us, then often a little counselling works wonders for bumping the stuck record into playing the whole song again rather than the same passage over & over.
Just some questions that came to mind as I read your post.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I wish I had more than a few minutes to write this to you!! Here is my feedback for you -- just ideas that may or may not work in your case, but I am trying :-)
1. Take the small gift you bought for him, put it the box of other keepsakes, and find a place where you can have a ceremonial burning (just make sure you don't burn down your house). Maybe you have a nearby firepit -- one of those would work. Find a way to have n exorcism of sorts. Or maybe there is another way to have a small ceremonial "destroying the stuff" event. That gets rid of the physical reminders. (also--write the birthday letter and put that in the box too -- it gets burned with the rest)
2. I agree with Posie about the counseling. Perhaps just a few sessions to help you sort out your current feelings? nothing to deep but just enough that you can at least talk to another person about it. I think that will help, even if it's just one or two sessions. If that won't work for you, write in a journal every day -- it will get the thoughts out of your head and onto a piece of paper.
3. I am not in the medical field (in human resources) so I have no business addressing your health needs, but a dear friend of mine has had very good luck with alternative medicine. The traditional health care system nowadays even has some professionals on staff who have training in these areas. Do me a favor and at least look for info online and become informed about it. And I wouldn't be me if I didn't tell you to quit smoking :-) Getting rid of the smokes helps all kinds of health problems!
4. Sometimes it helps to work with people who have bigger problems than our own. If you can't find work, there are probably a multitude of non-profit agencies who need volunteer help. Find one and give them a couple hours a week of your time.
5. <<>> Give yourself permission to think a kind thought about your XOM once a year -- Posie said it well.. Allow yourself to think (and only think) a pleasant thought about him on his Bday and then move on.
Woman, please post again on this thread and let me know if any of this helped. I am always full of more ideas :-)
Good luck and I wish you peace this week!
Meg
Sending any sort of acknowledgement, birthday or otherwise, is self defeating. My guess is that he won't even flinch, and it will probably be deleted (if by email) or burned (if my post office) because leaving any evidence around could mess up his NEW LIFE!
It will NOT, I repeat, NOT...accomplish a thing. You think you have heart palipitations now? Just wait until he fails to acknowledge the pouring out of your emotions, and as each second goes by without a response, your heart breaks a little more. Why set yourself up for such anguish?
Let me give you something to think about. If an old flame from your past, let's say X-husband, or X-boyfriend were to write you a letter telling you he was a wreck because of you, that he is hurting and misses you so much, would you not think that somewhat CREEPY? This has happened to me several times in my life, and sweetie, it upset me, it unnerved me and it angered me. Is that how you want XMM to feel? Well, it could be taken this way, and then your last action towards him would replace the warm memories he has of you now.
Life does not play out the way our hearts script it. Let him go.
~True~
My pastor said in sunday's mass that we are valuable no matter what are circumstances are and that we should never let anyone bring us down or let us think any different about ourselves.
You should not feel helpless and useless because of your illness, nor feeling depressed about a man who is causing you so much pain and dispair. As you said it is silly and dumb. Focus on what is important in your life right now, your health and your family.(I know it is easier said than done, but you can do this.)
I dont beleive he has had a fair share in messing you up, its you who has done this to yourself, because you are allowing your emotions to get the best of you when it comes to him. You are holding on to too many keepsakes and I believe when you get rid of all those memorabilias and you stop writting the letters you will put closure to all this. It's just a suggestion so you can begin the healing and start focusing on yourself. It seems he has put closure and you should now try to do the same.
When my affair ended I threw everything away that reminded me of all this, its the only way I knew I would be able to move on and put closure to a 3.5 year affair. When you can accept its over you can move on and find happiness. I am so sorry that after all that time you have not been able to do so. Stop letting him control you, take control of your emotions and try to find strength to move on and be happy again. Focus on getting your health back to normal, I think that is whats important in your life overall at this moment.
I wish you lots of luck in being able to get passed this, I will pray for your well being and hope you can find happiness and closure.
"How do you benefit if you gain the whole world but loose your own sole in the process? Is anything worth more than your sole?" -Matthew 16:26
Take Care
Keep In Touch
Ladybug
Think of your pride...do you really want to give this man the power of knowing how you still feel? That's one thing that keeps me from contacting my exMM. I don't want him to know that I still miss him. I want him to have zero power over me, and if I give him knowledge of my life, that gives him power to control my emotions.
Another thing you said...
<>
DONT WORRY ABOUT NEXT YEAR. Who knows, in a year, you might barely give him a thought. Or it might be just as hard as this year. Either way, you can't deal with anything but the present. Pull a Scarlett O'Hara -- "I'll think about that tomorrow."
Posting here has helped me tremendously to keep my situation in perspective. Its been so nice to know that my A was just like all the others, and what I lost, wasn't worth my grieving endlessly. Yes, I do grieve...but there is so much good in my life now and to look forward to. I don't want to waste it worrying about exMM. I urge you to try and focus on the same...
Take care.
Let me thank you ALL for your words and thoughts. So good to know that, although I'm such a "hard case", you are still there for me...
b true - what you said hit right home with me and it's so true: He most likely would NOT flinch, he most likely WOULD think it creepy of me to write - because it is. I've had notions of this before, but I never really acknowledged that possibility, because I'm so self-centerd in this. I would be making a pest of myself for solely selfish reasons, which would then backfire badly on me... You put that so clearly for me, I'm so thankful for this new thought, and the example of your experience makes it so clear to me: It will not help me, on the contrary, and it will make him angry etc.
I printed out your letter and will read it often. It will be one of the tools to carry me through. Heartfelt thanks to you-
- as to all the others. Posiepops: The good truth, as I've come to expect from you. Thanks for telling me of all the years still to come... sometimes I just don't see them, hankering after by-gones. I need to stop blowing up + glorification, you're so right.
And maybe one of the the healthy things to do would be what meg + ladybug suggested: Throw away the keepskes + the letter for good. I couldn't do a ritual burning - some of the things wouldn't burn ;-) but I could get rid of them. I'm a born "hoarder", it's hard for me to throw away ANYTHING - but whenever I succeeded in doing so in the past, I noticed that it made me feel lighter, easier on my mind. Maybe it's good to remind oneself that anyway all will be dust in the wind someday ("hearses don't have luggage racks" etc.), so I might as well do away with it consciously now. I'll try, I promise (myself, too).
I also find the thought helpful to only think good thoughts about him and set apart one time for it. This feels like a good task/training for me. And I WILL think again about seeking some counselling; maybe at a later date, when I feel up to finding a good counsellor - which is not so easy here in Germany, and quite expensive.
And yes, I need to stop smoking. Relying on fags as "the only friend wo's always there and will never desert me" has become a bit of a joke over the last years...
Dear ladybug - I wish I had a church and a pastor to help me out sometimes. Thanks for your sympathy with me and your prayers. You telling me that I "can do this" makes me half-convinced I really could ;-), and yes, my health is paramount right now - but as I've been really ill a couple of times in my life before, I find it gets harder and harder to face up to and fight yet ANOTHER thing which hinders you living with full energy and strength; you just wnt to ignore it. But maybe, maybe, this time (the illnesses before were strictly physical), there are more psychological facts involved. And tring to get these straightened out may help me physically, too.
As for the pride, you, dallastrigirl, are speaking of: I don't have much left. I've trodden it down so often, so much myself, that I guess it's gone now and I can't resort to it. But I can work with your so-true thought that "If I give him knowledge of my life, that gives him power over my emotions" - because I know the mechanism; it is what I tried to do when he left: Try to gain knowledge of his life, his whereabouts, so I could still have some "control". And I can see that I don't really want to make myself smaller, put myself at his mery once again by letting him gain access to my soul. I opened up completely for him once, and he chose to get into my very depth - and then leave for good. I should be/am thankful for NOT being able to find out about his life, for the fact, that he is so far away. Such a lot of omen on this board have it so much harder, having to see the guy at work, etc. How do they EVER manage? I feel for them so much.
Well, women: You've given me new angles once again. And one very important point for me is, that you all believe/are hopeful I can make this, I CAN get through. This is such an incentive and motivation for me: To prove to you that your help/time/sympathy/concern hasn't been in vain; to show you I value it by following some of your advice. And to show MYSELF I can do it. I've overcome so many Downslides in my life, and, up to now, I've always picked myself up again, dusted off and went on. I shouldn't stop now, should I, just because it gets tougher now to stand up with these wee elderly joints and this tried-and-tested heart?
Trying hardfor a success-post next time, I'm wishing you all strength,
M. (I do love your various abbriviations of my nick...)
hi there woman (or woods or ??? :-)
How cool!
You sound better already!
One step at a time!
Meg
Your so very welcome. I could not go to counseling because it would raise an eyebrow in this home so I have turned to this board and now my church. I know it is hard to get over an A specially when so many emotions are still lingering, I look towards the future, and I learned from all of this I cant continue to let it control me. I am controling this, and feeling that way helps me get through those days where I miss him and want to contact him. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope to hear soon that you are doing better. ONE DAY AT A TIME (BABY STEPS) You will be ok. Took me awhile to learn that.
Take Care..
HUGS
Ladybug
Hi WITW:
Your post was so heartfelt and sad, I am so sorry it is so painful. I am almost to 1 year post affair on Oct. 22 so I know the feelings take a long time to go away. I still think of him all day every day. But I do have days now when the pain and sadness lift and I feel "normal"
I bet you have some days like that too. I believe they will become more and more. Sometimes I think that exMM trashed my life pretty bad too but I am not going to let him beat me. I even told him that in our last call. I said you left me and you beat me now but I will beat you someday. And I will beat him by making a happy life for myself without him. Its either that or hold on to the pain and sadness and the past and have NOTHING.
I am not going to destroy the rest of my life for him NO NO NO
You aren't either. You will survive this!! You already have survived. Now you just have to continue to heal. It takes a long time. But I believe it will happen now. At one time I didn't know if it would. But now I know it will because I feel just a little better.
I really hope you post and say that some of these feelings have passed and you are feeling a little better in days to come.
Survive