Harsh Reality

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Harsh Reality
6
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 8:56pm
I had posted this Friday night in the Married section, and at the recommendation in a response, I'm posting in here in General:

Newbie here -

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2010
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 9:02pm

Hi, Hun...

I just replied to your original post...

How are you doing today?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 9:15pm

Strange timing, I was replying to your post in the other section.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 9:37pm
Moving,
What are your confused about? Let's discuss!
xoxo
Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2010
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 10:27pm

Moving,

Just read your reply.

Ashley Madison is a "dating" website for married / attached people. Good idea...DON'T Google it!

Sounds like your H is like mine in that he's suspicious and is putting restrictions on you. I don't blame them. However I feel for you...in the past when I knew my H has been snooping, my tendency was to run the other way...I felt like he was controlling me and treating me like a child. I still get a bit angry knowing he read my e-mails...my intimate thoughts. But I understand why he did it.

He has told me that just reading my e-mails made him feel better...he felt "comforted" knowing I wasn't meeting these guys all the time and having sex with them...but he did read about my feelings and emotions and that hurt him deeply enough.

Everything is so raw for you right now...which I why I am so glad you posted here. It helps to be able to vent...writing is therapeutic for me and hopefully it is for you. Certainly the responses and support from everyone here is a great help too.

I totally "get" the chemical addiction thing...I was / am the same way. I played on Ashley Madison because I was addicted to PEA or Phenethylamine...which is the chemical released when you feel "infatuated"...it's a hit like cocaine and a super high. I got the rush of PEA every time I made a new strong connection. It's short lived though...but very addictive. Affairs and the connections I made can end abruptly without notice (as many here know)...and the lows...are extremely low.

However, there's another chemical that we get addicted to...oxytocin...(the mother's hormone which is typically released when we nurse)...this is more of an attachment addiction...what we typically feel for our spouses and children. When a marriage ends or if a spouse leaves, the withdrawal of this hormone makes us feel this sense of loss as well.

Just know that what you're feeling is normal...on this board, we all have felt the highs of PEA and the extreme lows from the withdrawal of it. Similarly many here have also felt the withdrawals from the attachment hormone (oxytocin).

Perhaps, the separation from your H will help you feel the loss of him...that the withdrawal from the comforts of attachment will kick in and you will realize how much you love him. It will probably take some time but this next year will hopefully bring you more clarity...hopefully sooner than later so can just stop living in limbo and take back YOUR life...whichever path you choose.

Hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 11:18pm
Thank you so much for the reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 3:01am

Movingforward,


Several sentences in your posts stood out to me.


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Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.