Has anyone felt this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Has anyone felt this way?
13
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:04pm
Ok, this might sound weird, but I am confused about why I feel this way. I chose to finally end the A. I had been struggling back and forth with the decision for months and finally did it early January. The thing is, I still hold onto this hope that we may end up together sometime. I am single and he is M. When guys approach me and are interested, I feel guilty, like I shouldn't express an interest because I am still in love with MM. I know that sounds unhealthy. Maybe I need time alone and to myself to heal before dating again?? I think so. I decided to stay away from dating for awhile to heal from this A. Anyway, I was curious if anyone else felt this same sort of confusion and guilt. I know it sounds silly, because he is M and I am not, why should I feel guilty for dating, especially when we aren't seeing each other?
Thanks for reading.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:58pm

US

No it's not silly, i have heard that very same thing many times on this board so don't let it bother you one bit.

Take the time to heal, you will know when your ready to date or one day you may just walk into a room and see HIM there, NOT WEREING A WEDDING RING free for the taking and you will. ;}

Free




Edited 2/8/2005 12:00 am ET ET by mefreenow
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 1:00am
Thanks free, that was a very inspiring thing to say ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 10:07am
Hey there, well you know I quit my part time job to get away from my X-OM. It has been a couple of weeks. I miss him TERRIBLY. I know I will heal but it will take a long, long time because I had let this drag out for so long. We were both married when the EMA started. He has been divorced now for three years and he is dating. He has a steady girlfriend but he is not engaged yet. The hardest part is wondering if I really ever meant anything to him. He seems to put it all behind him and move on so well. I sit around sad and miserable. I have been a little better but I still miss him. I just wonder if he has even missed me since I have been gone or if he even thinks about me. I figure that he is probably happy and relieved that I am gone. Now he doesn't have to look at me everyday being so sad. I have to get past all of these thoughts. It will take a while.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 10:52am

The end of my R is relatively recent, but I can see why you feel that way. Your heart is still there and it's hard to move on. I'm sure I'll feel the same way. Just hang in there and be strong, when your heart and mind are ready to move on, they will.

Hugs to you!!

Doves

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 9:34pm

hey U_S,

how r u doing ?

take care

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 11:23pm

Dear US:

Good for you for ending your A--it was the right thing to do. When I left my M and exMM dumped me I took over one year to not date and be alone and heal. Some minimal contact with exMM off and on and long periods of NC over that 15 m. I still loved him and grieved terribly.

In Dec I started dating somone who came for me and I did not make it easy he had to try over and over again because I wasn't sending any 'dating signals' Thank God he was persistent. He told me that he loves me today and I told him that I am falling in love with him. We have not even had sex yet. He is such a wonderful and good man and knows about the A.

I saw xMM only 3 weeks ago. I told him about the new guy and in a way I was saying THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE. I STILL LOVE YOU. I WAITED FOR 15 MONTHS WITHOUT LETTING ANY MAN TOUCH ME. And now I am moving on and I am going to let this new man touch me and get close to me. Well xMM lost his last chance.

I realize that what I love about XMM is that he 'got me' and I 'got him' in a way I don't think anyone ever will again. He knew me the way no one has ever known me. I don't think the NG will get me in the same way. But what I get with the new guy is someone who is really there for me not just for a few hours but every moment. He is positive, he is into me, he is not afraid of merging our 7 children, he wants me all the time, he prays with me, he takes care of me, he is happy in himself.

That is real, it is above board, it is blessed by God. I am ready to let xMM go entirely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 11:34pm

Survive,
Wow, that is a really inspiring story. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I have recently D, well it's going on a year now. My A was on again off again throughout the 2 yrs. that I was with MM. We were going strong for about 6 months, then he started getting pressure at home and backed off, and he tried the push pull thing with me once again, where he backs off for awhile until things cool off at home, then he starts back up with me. Well I told him that was the last straw. I had been contemplating ending the A for a couple months before I actually did it. I think alot of my grieving was done in those couple of months while I was thinking about ending the A. Since I actually said the words to him, I haven't cried since. I cried the day I told him and I stayed home from work the day after and then the crying was done. That tells me that I was ready and I did the right thing. I love him dearly, but I no longer want to settle for an A. Stolen moments. No more. I told him to contact me when he files for D. Of course, that didn't stick. We continued to talk, until I realized it was getting out of control again, and now we have stopped.

When I go out and guys approach me I feel like I am betraying MM and I freak out. I think I really need time to heal, from both the D and the A. I don't know how long it will take. I guess when I meet the right person like you did, that everything will fall into place.

That is wonderful that you are finally moving on and that you have found someone wonderful to love. That gives me great hope. Thanks for sharing that with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 11:39pm

Max,
I am doing ok. Like I just told Survive in the previous post, I think I did alot of my grieving when I was contemplating ending the A. I cried all the time. I got to the point where he always disappointed me and hardly ever came thru for me. That made me realize that I was finally done. I didn't want to settle for less than a real R, one where we could be together completely. So I ended it.

I miss him terribly. I have been keeping busy so that I don't have time to think about him even though I see him at work. It's hard, but I keep trucking along. I dont' know what else to do. I know that I am not ready to date again, so I am just going to spend some time alone, healing. Hopefully each day will get better. I am starting to feel a little weak, I think because I have been on the boards and have been thinking about him more recently. I know he loves me and doesn't want to let me go, but at the same time, he is not willing to get a D and do what it takes to be with me completely. That is what I am trying to focus on to get me thru this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 12:25am
SAd, I could havve typed that myself I know exaclty how you feel right down to the guilt part. XMM and I have the same circle of friends and 2 weeks ago we were all out an I had this really great looking guy flirting with me an XMM was with W , I kept looking over my shoulder an feeling bad because I didnt want him to see it, like I was wrong, some will say thats crazy but in this case his wife was unfaithful a few times ( not an excuse for out affair) an I always wanted to show him that some one wanted to be with just him, long story short I blew the other guy off an made sure XMM knew it thru other friends so he wouldnt think I would do something like that too..I decided I can go on like that. I am single and have been for 5 years , we decided on NC a week ago , ironically 3 days after the formentioned story, I asked him to decide between me or his marriage, the 2 other times we tried this I made the choice, this time I felt like he needed to make a choice, tho all he stated was he realizes I make it to easy on him, he knows he can call me when he's had a bad day an I make it bearable at work and at home an with out that maybe he would get off the fence an move on or move out.. I guess we shall see, part of me wants to wait on him but logic sometime rears it head an says NO.. I will take each day as it comes an deal with my demons then.. as we all do .. I wish you all the peace an strength you need hun..
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 1:41pm

unhappy sad:

exactly! i am struggling with exactly the same thing. every time i talk with a guy i feel guilty, like i'm cheating. i am in love with my (x)MM and my heart doesn't want anyone else.

i am in agony over this. i know how you feel. i wish i knew what to say to make it better. everyone keeps saying it will get better but every day gets worse for me.

debbi

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