This has to be INSANITY
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This has to be INSANITY
| Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:11pm |
I am doing better at times, I am eating again, sleeping a little better, I am doing everything I am supposed to do, but (you knew there was a but coming huh?) I can't get him out of my mind. Against all advice, on Friday I decided to write him a e-mail basically telling him off and how dare him screw with my life this way. I still feel like I am the one paying here and he gets to walk away. I didn't write it but I had it all planned out in my head. The next two days I was going to write again, but this time not so much telling him off, but just trying to explain how I was feeling and why this was so hard for me. I didn't write that one either. The next e-mail was going to be a combination of both. There is so much I want to say to him. I know (in my head) that it isn't going to change anything, but I can't help but feel there are things I need to say and I am not going to be able to go on unless I get this off my chest. I told you this is INSANITY.

Well Depressed, I think we've all been where you are, in the A and in other situations in life. We feel like we need to give someone a piece of our mind, or try to make them understand how we feel, how hurt we are, what we need, why they're wrong for feeling the way they do, the list goes on. It's so difficult to keep those thoughts to yourself.
But in this case, that's probably the most sane thing to do. It's totally natural that you've got some feelings you'd like to share, but try to substitute the letter writing but never sending, for actually sending the letter. JMHO, but I doubt it will help.
Just for me, I don't think I can ever put exactly everything I'm feeling and thinking into words. Once you send it, you can sit back and analyze everything you said, how he'll interpret it, whether you said everything you wanted to say, etc. Then you get to wait to see whether he responds. And you may not think you care now, that this is purely an emotional vent for you, but I do believe that you will eventually focus on the fact that he hasn't responded, or if he does respond, that you're not happy with the way he responded.
Basically, I don't think there's any upside whatsoever to sending him a letter, but I do think it's a perfectly natural response to your situation. You're not insane. Insanity would be actually sending the letter and setting yourself up for the emotions that will undoubtedly come after you've sent it.
You're doing great. Keep staying here and posting about how you don't want to send that letter. I'm sure we'll all keep encouraging you not to send it. JMHO. Love, MO.
DP
Go a head and write your e-mail pour all your angish into it read it a couple of times then DELETE IT, don't send it you would only be opening a can of worms if you did.
Free
depressed,
Yeah, I'm starting to eat again too. I am sleeping better and not crying as much. I still have my moments and my emotions are still all over the place from "I can deal with this" to "How is this ever going to be okay again?"
I don't have any good words of wisdom - I'm right there with you. I long to clear the air with my xMM but the brief conversations we've had aren't helping. He's "nice" but there isn't a thing in the world he could say right now that would make this okay. My heart isn't there 100% yet, but my mind is made up.
I just wanted to say keep up the good work. With that said, I know how hard it is and I'm wanting to do the same.
WIP
I'd definitely agree with the idea of writing the email but not sending it.
The most helpful thing I did (a long time ago) to help me make the decision (and stick to it) to end it with an ex-boyfriend that I couldn't seem to let go of, was to make a list of everything that he had done to make me angry or hurt me. With him it was a really long list. When I was over him I shredded the list - he never saw it.
I intend to do this with SM as well sometime when I feel strong enough.
Our goal is moving towards indifference here - why should we let them see how much they've hurt us? It only gives them more power over you if you let them see how much this is affecting you.