Has your xAP ever had another A?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Has your xAP ever had another A?
26
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 12:37pm

I am curious if anyone knows whether their xAP has ever had another A, either prior to yours or after? What about yourself?


Me - i did have a brief A (lasted about 6 mts) a few years ago. I ended the A when i moved in with my H (then BF) and got engaged.


xAP - had one brief A (2-3 mts), which he ended once his then AP left her H and wanted him to begin a RLR with her.

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 11:29pm

Supposedly, there was only one other before me. This was my first and last A. I did find some emails in his account from another woman. I think it may have been from the one from his past, not sure and dont give a d**n even tho it still pisses me off. when i saw the emails, I was sick to my stomach and thought I would faint. That was definitely the beginning of the end for me. i think he's a womanizer. He reminded me so much of my dad, who was a freaking cheater.


So, I dont know why I'm even having such a hard time getting over this joker. Wow, amazing how so many of us thought we were loved so much by these men and come to find we most likely werent the only ones in their life. How do they do it? How can they? As if having a wife and an ow on the side isnt enough. Sheesh!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 7:44am

Caribu,


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You've brought up a good point, and because I am still able to see how my XMM behaves because we work so closely, I've been able to learn a great deal about him post A. I am positive that the way his mind works would apply to any MM who has had more than one A. I could sum it up in one sentence; They are very insecure people.


Xmm has consistently, over the years, talked about all the good deeds

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 8:29am

This was my first A (and my last!)

xAP had two other A's before me, about 10 years ago.
When I asked, he told me of one. I found out about the other one months later, when his wife (!) showed me pictures of her. I asked xAP and he said he had two A's, not one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 11:42am

Iddy,

Light bulb moment, my exAP is so similar to yours...just the younger version. so he is 16 year old living in a 34 years olds body. He bragged to me so much about all the women and all the stuff he has done before me, how he could send out a mass txt and get a bunch of girls to respond and sometimes the one he would hang out that night would be the first one who responded or the maybe it was one he had not seen in a while....

he too disclosed to me, he was a loser, felt like a failure, upset his life did not turn out like he planned, turned out to be just like his father, whom he did not care for etc. He was upset and disclosed all this one day to me, pillow talk can be so powerful...

my exAP so thrives off the high of some pretty girl who thinks that he is so nice, so sweet, so sexy, so good in bed....I was his high, his temporary high. And then on to the next one......

thanks for the post. coming to understand him, has made me heal, made me take it less personally...made me stop making me feel bad about me and stop thinking what was wrong with me? helps me know that it was never that i was not good enough or good enough to him.

Makes me realize that it was never going to be ok, there was never going to be a happy ending, I was never going to be ok, or even happy, if he remained in my life, nothing was every going to be ok..just wasnt, baby or no baby, this man was not healthy for me. It also makes me understand that whether i knew about him being married or not, it was never going to be ok, we were never going to be together...
and it helps, it helps so much, thanks so much for the post. Gives me peace, even o the worst of days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 12:08pm

((Siennajaden))


I'm glad I was able to help you. I really do think that men like this are very unhappy in their own skin. They look to outside sources for

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 11:03pm

Izzy,


Your post has helped me also. I was so beside myself when i saw this ow's emails. I was like, are you serious, after all I've done for you, and sacrificed, you still needed someone else. It really made me feel crappy.


I did think that maybe he was insecure, b/c he liked to play games, like saying how this or that woman was interesed in him or him constantly asking me did I love him and care, and did I miss him. He asked me these questions contantly as did I , I know I'm insecure and trying to work on that. But I would be like, dont my actions show that I love and care deeply? I didnt understand why he needed the constant validation.. Even tho I should have since I'm the same way. But he didnt sacrifice and do as much as i did. I felt like I did most of the giving.


Anyway, thanks for reiterating(spelling??) the insecurity thing. So I know I wasnt enough for him, not b/c I didnt do enough but b/c the issues within himself. Unless he gets help, he will always be that way and why would I want a man like that in my life even if he was to leave his sham of a marriage.(yeah, I'm still angry)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 12:56am

Caribou,

my exAP did the same thing. Always asking if I loved him, if I missed him, all of that. I had to constantly tell him. He would ask, do u really want me? Ask me that all different ways n play out all types of scenarios...if this, would u still be with me. And also about the Girls, n how this one liked him n that one...it was like he was trying to convince me he was hot stuff, he was actually trying to convince himself...
And like you, I always felt like damn, am I not showing you? I too sarificed so much for him, was at his beckon call, never missed his calls, always responded immediately to a txt etc...

This is not a coincidence...its too much of a common theme among these threads. It helps to understand...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 10:12am

Hi All,


My ex-MM hadn't had any other A's that I know of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 12:52pm

Yeah sienna, you are reminding of other incidences. I hardly ever missed a call or text, if I did it was extremely rare or accidental. I was always available. So on the rare occasions I would miss a call, he would be like I called you earlier, where were you? or a couple of times he said he would be thinking where the hell is she? At first it was flattering that he was like that but then it got a little annoying.


If I didnt respond to his questions about how much I loved him or his little game playing or if I sounded like I didnt mean what I said he would get offended. One time I took him somewhere and when I picked him up, he noticed that I changed clothes.(btw, he noticed everything to the smallest detail)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 4:25pm
He sounds like my exAP....I wonder if they must farm these men somewhere....lol. I was wore the hell out completelu, he stayed with me for two weeks before I knew about the marriage...it was like a little trial to see how we would do living together...it was almost funny. I was his little maid suddenly....spoiled him rotten, but i was like WTF? I do not do this much for my children, I offered to iron a shirt one time before he was running late and then he expected it everyday....I looked at him like he was crazy. I was cooking him meals all the time....i was like, I do not even like him here all the time.
I just am realizing more and more what the hell am I missing? That was a probably like a time when he was fighting with wife etc..and he needed somewhere to stay....plus i caught him in so many lies during the same time....I mean, even if this man was single, I would have been a idiot for him and would eventually leave him because I would have never lasted...he was so needy and expected so much so fast, partially my fault, I spoiled him....but I never got anything in return...nothing, except, well, you know....and that was great, but so not worth the other side of things....in more ways than one, i am so lucky to have escaped...he is so toxic..and you are right, the void could not filled, not by me, you anyone, ever....unless they get help. and we both know that will not happen.