Has your xAP ever had another A?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Has your xAP ever had another A?
26
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 12:37pm

I am curious if anyone knows whether their xAP has ever had another A, either prior to yours or after? What about yourself?


Me - i did have a brief A (lasted about 6 mts) a few years ago. I ended the A when i moved in with my H (then BF) and got engaged.


xAP - had one brief A (2-3 mts), which he ended once his then AP left her H and wanted him to begin a RLR with her.

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 8:15pm

The common thread I see here is a willingness (and I did it too, of course) to do too much.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 8:20pm

Yes, my AP had one before me...he told me about her the very first night we met. The information that he shared sounded like it was more of a hook-up just for sex although I think there was more to it. I saw her blog page which thanked him for helping her with some class work where she'd made a good grade. That doesn't sound like just sex to me. My AP was pretty honest with me that night and also told me he was looking to have an affair. Me, I was just looking for one night of excitement never thinking ahead at all.

Did I ever have another A? Sorry to say, the answer is yes. Not with this H but during my first marriage. I always chalked it up to being very young and lonely because my xH was often away but now I see that although youth and loneliness played a part, I also crave the attention from men. I honestly thought I was immune from having another affair since I'd remembered D-day and it's aftermath very well even though it happened 30 years ago. Having this A proves that I must always be vigilant.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 11:46pm

withclarity,


You are so right. I think this is what happened to me. He didnt have to fight for my love or for me. I gave and gave freely without asking or expecting anything in return. I gave until I was all gave out.. I did and did and he didnt and still didnt and received and received.. It would have continued this way if I hadnt broke up with him.


I was such an idiot. but an idiot I am no longer. I got smart and dumped his sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2010
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 1:34pm
deleted by stardust


Edited 3/28/2010 6:09 pm ET by lstardust411
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2010
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 9:38am

My XAP was up front about the fact that he has had multiple affairs during his marriage. He claims that the affairs allow him to cope with his marriage and that when his son goes to college in 3 years, he will file for divorce. I guess I drove past that caution sign because I never intended to get that involved. He was never the type of person that I imagined being with full time. Since we have been friends for so long, I was under the impression that I could easily roll this "thing" back to a platonic friendship. Guess the joke is on me.

I have had one other A during my 15 years of marriage. I connected with a boyfriend from college. Again, I figured that he was safe because although I enjoyed the physical part of our relationship, he has a challenging personality. He was not the type that I would want to build a real relationship with. We ended after 9 months when his girlfriend of 5 years (he claimed to not be involved with anyone) called me to say that she found emails that proved that he was involved with me and the Mother of his son. Since I had always told him that I would disappear if he did not protect me sexually and from drama, it was easy for me to back out and never look back.

What I find interesting is that all of the things that my XAP said to me, including how he justified our relationship, how we were different and how he felt about me, is the same crap that I have been reading here. It makes me want to call him and say "playa, you need to tighten your game because all of your lines are already
in heavy rotation by other guys". Can't be surprised when the whole foundation was built on lies, deceit and a violation of trust on both sides; however, the good news is that I see my patterns and the patterns of these guys more clearly. When it comes to A's there are no safety nets.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 10:52am

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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