Hating myself for weakness

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Hating myself for weakness
11
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 8:28am
So, I can't pat myself on the back anymore for feeling good/moving on. I was warned that bad days will pop up and they have...with a vengeance. I miss his personality. I miss our talks. I miss seeing his # on the CID and the excitement from that. I'm 6 weeks nc (2 if you count the unfinished conversation we had when I broke nc). I HATE that he hasn't even tried contacting me...I'm actually jealous when I read of others' xaps breaking nc..I KNOW that's ridiculous because it's not healthy for them (or me if it did happen)...my mind is saying, at least they know their xaps are thinking of them and I'm getting nothing. I know I should consider myself lucky. Am I still in addiction mode? Am I subconsciously not wanting it to be over? I also still struggle with being the one who got dumped. Is there anyone out there that can relate? I'm noticing its mostly the women who do the ending...how uncommon is it for the man to get the guilts first and run? Or is it common but instead of ending it, they subtley withdraw, which we choose to ignore or acknowledge at the time? I'm so tired or these thoughts and questions and feelings...so tired.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 9:12am

Sweetie, please don't hate yourself for being weak. This is the time where you have to start loving yourself, warts and all. ;-)


My Xmm dumped me the first round. I was absolutely crushed. I made him come over to my apartment and tell me IN PERSON WTH had happened as only a week before we were so hot and heavy, even 100% humidity couldn't compare. ;-) So, I got my little explanation....humm....He's feeling guilty, He's hurting my chances for finding a real relationship, He's concerned about his boys

There have been many women on here who got the "Dear Jonnie" letter. Remember real letters? LOL. Now we get an email that says, "I can't do this anymore," and that's if we're lucky. Many just disappear into thin air. Honey, I have read so many ending scenarios I could write a book. I know it's hard when we are on the receiving end of their sudden epiphany that "OMG, I am a bad boy and must stop this now." Yeah.....okay....whatever. Too bad you didn't think about this before you dropped trow and exposed all of your character flaws.


But anyway, please don't be upset that he isn't contacting you. Try to look at it as a gift. He is FINALLY getting it, whether

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 9:23am

Good Morning Free,


You really DO need to consider yourself lucky my friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2009
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 9:40am

Dear free,


I can relate to your thoughts about wanting your xap to contact you. I am at 2.5 months NC and I am still thinking about him constantly. I wonder what he is doing, where he is, is he happy, is he sad and struggling. I want to know that he feels the same way that I do. I never told him that our affair was over, never sent the ending email, nothing.....I just stopped calling him and emailing him. He has never called me or sent me an email, nothing. So it seems odd that he has never tried to find out what has happened to me or our affair. I assume he wanted to end things as well because of his actions, but still....hello???? Wouldn't you think he would at least try and find out why I stopped contacting him. I hate this too. The constant questions that we keep asking ourselves, I wished it would all stop and just go away. I really have no inspirational words to give you right now to help understand any of these feelings as I am in the same position as you are.


The only thing that I do know is, everyday I wake up and thank myself for finally being strong enough to have made the decision to walk away from him and all the hurt that this affair was causing me. All the lies that were built up over the last few years together, the broken promises, everything that I had believed to be true was just a fantasy.


Sometimes I think that he is does probably miss me a little, just like I miss him, but we both realized that a few stolen moments of happiness and passion in a hotel room does not make for a lifetime of true happiness together. We really didn't know anything about each other. What it would be like to live with this person 24 hours a day, pay bills together, take care of the house, take care of the kids (mine not his - he does not have any), real life issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 10:18am
Thank you all. It is nice to know there are others that have been left in the dust of their xaps...geez, that sounds mean, but I think you know what I mean! I wonder how the hell he can just go about his business as if I or the a didn't happen. It is maddening....but...I'm mad then sad then mad then sad. I just wish I could find one emotion and just stick with it for a few days :o) I'm blessed there has been nc..I know that....I know a LOT of things (now as well as during the a), my heart just refuses to catch up with my brain. Why in THE HELL did I allow myself to get in this mess? I just need to get stronger (again)--need to get over wanting him to contact me...I know it would totally start this horrendous cycle over. I know it. And that, my friends, is NOT something to look forward to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 12:07pm

All right, Free...First of all ((BIG HUG)) :)


You know we're living in parallel universes, so I won't rehash LOL!


YOU ARE GRIEVING a loss and we have to get through all the stages of grief. It's rarely

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 12:17pm

"Stages of grief and/or recovery" in "The Healing Library" has been bumped :)


If you haven't read it...Learn it, Love it, Live it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 2:16pm

Free -


The other posts here are right on.

NC since October 2, 2009.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2009
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 10:24pm

Free...


I'm so sorry you're going through this...I feel exactly the same way. My head KNOWS all the right things to do and how I should feel and how I SHOULD be looking at things but my heart just hurts and can't understand not being wanted anymore. I don't get how they can just walk away and not look back. I guess maybe

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 1:12pm

Hey, hard~


This whole getting over xap and trying to reconnect with my husband simultaneously is REALLY hard. I believe that it is a good idea to deal with the grief before even thinking about delving back into the marriage full-force, but it's what I did and I'm not sure I should rethink that....I'm starting to lose track of how many days/weeks since nc, so that's a good sign, I think...like I'm no longer defining my life by how long my "soul mate" has been gone, you know?


I reviewed the stages of grief in the Healing Library...thank you...I've noticed though that it seems as if I deal with one stage and move on to the next, but then find myself going back to the stage I thought I had made it through...it hasn't been a smooth transition for me....it's been quite jagged.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 1:23pm

Hey, iddy~


This......:


Too bad you didn't think about this before you dropped trow


has had me busting a gut now for 2 days....too funny...


Thank you for your wisdom, tough love, support,

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