Haunted...

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Haunted...
6
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:03pm
Some of you may remember my name, although I've hardly posted for quite some time. Actually I've hardly even come here lately. But today I needed to...

I don't know what I'm asking for, or who could help, but if anyone can I could sure use help/advice/understanding/a hug anything...

For several months my affair has been over. It lasted 4 years. God I hardly know where to begin to tell the story. In many ways its really just the same as everyone else's story. It was intense, romantic, totally fulfilling one moment and then would scrape away at my soul the next. I loved him with all my heart and my marriage eroded to almost nothing during this time. I neglected my children at times and definitely my friends and extended family all for the fantasy of a life with this man. I think we were both kidding ourselves - whenever one of us got close to sounding serious the other backed away. Finally one day he told me he didn't think he could leave his children, and although I doubt I could have left mine, hearing those words gave me the strength to end it for good.

Since then my marriage has had some real bad times to deal with. I've tried to hold it together because (especially now) the last thing I want to see is it break up, but I don't know how to make it a good relationship again. Right now we are so distant. He is NOT a talker, so 'chatting' about this is not going to happen. Life just feels so grey, so empty, and I feel so lost.

My XOM (who incidently lives across the street) seems to be happy again with his wife and is at the beginning of an exciting career. There has been moments where I think he was reaching out to me, but I've been totally cold in response, so I believe he's given up and now focuses on his life at home. And ofcourse this is what he should do - what I should do too, but it is just so hard to watch.

I know inside of me that I'm doing the right thing, but I miss him so much - I feel like I'll never feel that way again, and it is really hard to get past this next point in letting go. I don't even know how to describe the stage - maybe just the grey stage. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:59pm
Oh hugs,Crystal, and I DO remember you! You captured a feeling in your post and I can identify. That fear that love will never again feel quite like it did with the XMM either within your marriage or with someone else. I have to say, though, you are an extremely strong and wise woman for knowing that he's doing exactly what he should be doing, should have been doing all along - focusing on his marriage and family. This is a bitter pill to swallow.

I understand the haunting you describe, and if you want to romanticize it, watch, or re-watch, the move The Bridges of Madison County. When I first ended my A I had some real fear that I would wind up like Francesca, mourning the end of her A until the day she died. And some days I do feel like that. But I truly could identify with Francesca in many respects. The point of the movie, however, is a different story because when you're watching the movie you get absorbed and everyone wants the movie to end the same way...

UGH. As I posted today, I'm struggling too. Good to see you back here, and keep posting. I'm sure you've had your "up" days and have some great advice to pass on to those still in the throes. Personally, I took a long break from this board as well, but recently came to feel that I needed to be right back here taking some active steps to keep me sane. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:17pm
I am sorry you are struggling. I am too. My A ended 5 weeks ago, but it only went on for about 4 months...so I guess I am lucky in that respect. I'm also lucky in that its highly unlikely we'll ever see each other again in public, we don't live near each other or see the same people on a regular basis.

If its true that exOM has moved on, then any energy you spend directed toward him is wasted. You have to focus on YOUR future, whether its with your family, or whether you want to move on from your H. I had to accept that as much as I adored my exMM, we had NO future together, and any thoughts I had at the time, that we would, were pure fantasy and never would have worked. I just wish I'd realized it sooner.

I have caved and contacted him once. Actually, it ended up helping me, because I verified that he wasn't coming back (we'd already broken up once before). Its like a switch went off at that point. I still miss him and think about him, but its gotten less and less.

I do feel a void in my life, and am having a hard time...struggling with depression...just trying to get my life back on track. Its going to take time, and I have to be easy on myself. Starting tomorrow (I was home sick today) I am going to start staying away from these boards for a while, only b/c coming here is always a reminder of exMM...and I am trying to move on. But it will always be comforting to know that there are others out there like me.

I wish you the best of luck with your decisions, and wish you strength.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: crystal_clr
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:43pm
(((crystal)))

I, too, can totally relate to how you are feeling. Ending an A is traumatic in many ways. I cannot imagine what it must be like for you having to see XOM every day.

Just a few things I wondered about after reading your post: Does your H know about the A? Do you think you could be happy with H, or is it past the point of no return? Is re-locating an option?

I think maybe having to see him every day, and see him trying to rebuild his marriage may be what is keeping you in this rut, or "grey stage". Do you think you would ever want to resume the A with XOM?

I really don't have any words of wisdom, but I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to how you feel, and that we are here if/when you need support. Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 7:17pm
Crystal_clr

I remember you as well.

The Grey phase is not that uncommon, when you come down from the emotional high to the real world it can seem bland and boring.

This is a hard time becouse the temptation can be very strong to find a way to get that high back and that can mean another affair or running away from your marriage in search of another high.

If your husband is willing to workon the marriage I suggest hanging in there for now a divorce is something you can always get but cannot undue if you regret it and most people that get one after an affair do regret it in the long run.

Consider Individual counciling for yourself to help you gain prespective and emotional control.

Don't make any life changing decisions for a good year after the affair is totaly dead.

Good luck

Free

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:26pm
Hey - so good to hear from you.

You're right - I have had many up days. Actually I'm doing so much better than that post. Definitely written when I went into a 'valley'. I am proud of myself for ending it and although my marriage has troubles, at least now it has a chance.

To the new posters out there - I am sorry to have written that post. I hate to scare anyone into thinking that the road out there is that bleak. Yes there are grey moments, but I also see the sun many days and the hope that I'll move past this. In fact it almost seems like a dream now - rather than something that really happened.

We will all get there. Sorry for the grey day!

Crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 11:28am
Crystal, don't dare apologize for having a grey day. We ALL have them, they're part of life. The most empowering thing is knowing that you can wake up the morning after a grey day (or a week or a month) and see the sun again! If you didn't have a grey day now and then, you'd be living in denial. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10